'A Whole Different Kettle of Fish' is a diverse and engaging blog run by a team of proze-winning authors. Here at the Kettle, we work to whet the mental appetite of our viewers and the Internet at large with articles, reviews and silly little globules of fun. Here are the authors.
(Clicking the name of each author will show you their work on the blog to date.)
Professor Pisces
The Professor is the editor-in-chief of the Kettle, often posting a variety of things including Insights, Reviews and Stories. Founder of the Kettle, Professor Pisces is a very interesting individual with an insatiable appetite for knowledge and understanding. There is a general assumption among the human community that he owns a time machine, as he's often heard talking to himself when there are two people in the same room, plus the fact that he has far too much time on his hands. He puts this uncanny excess of time to good use, using it to write stories, read books, watch films, TV programmes and documentaries and argue with friends until he's either exhausted his seemingly endless arsenal of points to debate or won the thing. Most people give up after half an hour, although the record supposedly stands at two hours, forty-eight minutes and seventeen seconds.
Professor Pisces is now a prize-winning reviewer of assorted media.
Quote: "Knowledge is power... so does that make the majority of the population of the Earth are more powerful than most world leaders?"
Matt
The first of several writers on the Kettle, Matt is better known by his other aliases 'The Human Beetroot', 'Horrid' or 'The Really, Really Strange One'. He is in charge of his own little section of cyberspace, the 'Matt's Mind' section of this blog, in which he likes to talk to what he calls 'peasants', by which he means the general public, but also enjoys making a show of not liking them. He spends a fair amount of time chucking chickens at random people (peasants, I should say) and playing with spoons. In his posts, he relishes the opportunity to mislead people into thinking that they are actually reading about something in particular, when really he is about to tell them about something completely different. In other words, he likes to contradict himself and confuse readers.
As an aside, he has an irrational fear of protractors, the name 'Franz' and the comedian Bill Bailey. He's supposedly obese, too.
Quote: "I don't like prolonged contact with peasants. This is a class that happens to include you."
Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers
The Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers, aka Evil, Coathanger or K. (For short, we call her EMoC.) Nothing much is known about her, except for the fact that she's not evil (not always, I should say), isn't anyone's mistress and owns no cliffhangers. She also runs her own blog, 'The Ramblings of a Bored Girl in the Mornings' (http://ramblingsofaboredgirl.blogspot.com/). She is head of her very own mini-mafia, who she is attempting to use to take over the Kettle. She forgets that the Professor is in control at all times and can deactivate her followers at any time, because of course they are really his minions, not hers. He just likes to see her run around trying to assassinate him.
Quote: "I reject your reality, rip it up and replace it with mushrooms."
Rinrei
Every neighbourhood has a resident socio/pychopath, and Rinrei is ours. More than a tad evil, she appears to have a close link with Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers, ie they both want to take control of the Professor's blog and turn it to their own wants. She is extremely irritated by her dogs, evil mops that attempt to murder people mindlessly and loves her Manga and Anime. She also loves to swear, though all of that gets edited out by The Eternal Editor.
Rinrei also indulges in art. She often posts work using her DeviantArt account, which you can find at the following address: http://rinrei.deviantart.com/
Quote: "Pass me the salt, or I'll kill you!"
The Eternal Editor
Possibly the most mysterious of all the authors on the Kettle, The Editor isn't so much an author as a useful asset that is completely necessary to the running of the blog. He is tasked with editing the posts that pass through the blog so that formatting errors, grammatical mistakes and general major mishaps are avoided. Special priveleges have been granted him so that he can actually do this job, which has unfortunately already caused a certain professional rivalry between The Editor, Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers and Rinrei. Despite their loathing of what he does, they must come to terms with who and what he is. The Professor is glad to have him around. Matt just isn't bothered.
Anyone who either a) has a bone to pick with The Editor, b) wants to talk with him or c) would like something edited for them can contact The Eternal Editor at theeternaleditor@gmail.com.
Quote: "Call me what you will; just make sure that when you do, you do so in a grammatically correct form."
Bill
A fun-loving individual, Billiam Harkin Hanselton III (or Bill for short) has something going where he constantly calls Matt by his real name - FYI, it's Franz - and perpetually annoys him. He likes to rant and play video games, and rant about video games, and make video games in which the player must rant. In short, he likes rants. Intensely.
Anyone who wants a word with Bill had probably better not look in the phone book. This is because a) he's not in it and b) if you were to call him, he'd simply rant at you about the merits of cricket balls over softball balls. In short, he's a 137 year old man with a love of ranting. And Michael Jackson, of course.
As well as this, he's revealed himself to be a mercenary under the command of none other than Professor Pisces, reeling in viewers and generally peeving the other authors in the name of the Professor. But everything written above is a lie, which is true. Except the Franz stuff.
Quote: "Just beat it, young whippersnappers!"
This could be YOU!
Yes, the Kettle is now on the lookout for budding bloggers looking for a platform from which to launch their work! All we want in return is the name you want to use, your email address, a written statement from yourself and several examples of your work. Plagiarists will not be allowed!
If you're interested, then email the esteemed Professor at: pisces.kettle@yahoo.com
