My Immortal, Chapter Two - A Review

Good day to you all. I hope you are well.

Last night, I took it upon myself to print out 'My Immortal' story so that I could take notes. First off, despite the length of the chapters being barely more than a page, it is a ridiculously long story. I still cringe at the amount of paper and ink I had to use. Then I managed to mix up all the pages, which meant I actually had to read the story, but believe me when I say that is sometimes not enough. At one point I lost my mind and had to go read 'Romeo and Juliet' to regain what sanity I had left.

But still, I have to say that when reading this story with a critical eye, there is a lot to notice. The spelling is even more blinding as time goes by, and I had to translate some sentences into readable English.

Here's the link again: http://myimmortalrehost2.webs.com/

*I must apologise that I am not using the proper 'terms' used in fanfiction such as 'canon', but as I have said before, I'm not that experienced in fanfiction. I do not trust myself to use these terms, as I will feel like I will get something wrong.*

Anyway, make way for...

Chapter Two

Summary:

Moonshine Ebony wakes up from her coffin (which is black and with pink velvet inside) and drinks some blood. It's snowing and raining, again. She changes. Her friend Willow ("AN: Raven dis is u!") wakes up and changes. She looks almost exactly the same as Ebony. They start talking about Draco Malfoy and, rather coincidentally, he appears in front of them. Willow is forgotten as Draco asks Ebony Moonshine to go to a concert in Hogsmeade with him. She gasps.

CHAPTER END

Yet another exciting chapter to keep us on the edge of our seats. This chapter is longer than the last, but it only fills a page. With spaces in between the one-line paragraphs. But let's crack on, because I do want to revise for an upcoming maths test next week.

Paragraph one is a wonderful start to this story. The second half of it is dedicated to what the protagonist is wearing and her taste in accessories. Can you guess what colour her clothes were? If you said black, then good for you! The first half of this paragraph is just a little reminder to us all that Ebony Moonshine is a vampire. She notes how she sleeps in a coffin and, as a morning drink, has some blood. Thank goodness all that was put in; I had almost forgotten that you were a vampire.

Oh, and it was snowing and raining at the same time. After writing my last post, I thought that maybe the writer had actually meant sleet and just wanted to describe it in length. But then, as I was checking this morning, I found that sometimes it can snow and rain at the same time in certain conditions. So I'm sorry, Miss Tara, I just thought you were being silly. After all, that's all you've done so far.

This next paragraph is just as exciting as the last. For this one, Ebony Moonshine steps away from the spotlight and the main focus of the story (for four lines, gasp!) is Willow, Ebony's best friend. In case you didn't notice the author note which I pasted into the summary, Willow is based on the author's editing friend. Oh, they must be really good friends! I can't see this friendship ever ending...

Anyway, clothes are yet again described in superb detail for the rest of the paragraph, making it impossible for me to actually say anything about it. I'm not a very fashion-wise person in any way, so I can't spend very long discussing clothes.

So, what happens when you stick two adolescent girls/vampires with the same taste in fashion (I'm not kidding. They seem to be borrowing clothes off of one another!) in a room together? That's right. Girl talk:

“OMG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so don’t!” I shouted.
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed.

Pairings are very fickle things. If you ever wish to side with a particular pairing, I must warn you to tread lightly. The Internet is filled with many fangirls and fanboys who stand by the opinion that their pairing is the only viable one in the world. That's why I tend to stay very far away from any fanfiction which includes a pairing between an original character (OC) and an existing one. I have never read a good fanfiction so far that included an OC pairing. So this is my next rule of writing fanfiction: Please, unless you are very skilful, do not write a pairing between your original character and an existing one. It almost always ends in Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus. And this story is definitely a good example of what I mean. You see, at the end of this extremely riveting conversation - which managed to last the journey from Hogwarts' dungeons to the Great Hall - who should happen to appear but the man of the conversation: Draco Malfoy! Oh how lucky you are, Moonshine Ebony!

Do you want to see their amazing greeting?

“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied flirtily.

I guess you could say that it is moving the story along, as it mentions a certain plot point which constantly shows itself throughout the rest of the story: Moonshine Ebony's confusing relationship with Draco Malfoy. This is just the start of a terrible pairing.

Now I know most conversations do indeed start in that specific way; in fact that is usually the contents of any Facebook message I ever receive. However, it really isn't something anyone wants to read. I'm not going to even bother pasting in the rest of the conversation, as it's as exciting as the start. Read it yourself. 

If you are too lazy or too scared to go read it, I will tell you that by the end of the chapter, Malfoy has managed to pluck up the courage to ask out our protagonist on a date to a Good Charlotte concert which just so happens to be in Hogsmeade. I don't even care. 

What I do care about, though, is that there are some ellipses! So let's add that to our little tally: 

 

(Ellipses Used: 2)

And so we come to the end of another disappointing chapter. I hope that you enjoyed this trip a lot more than I did. To save my soul, I'm going to read some more Romeo and Juliet which will hopefully cleanse my soul. 

Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers

Future Talk - A Review

Well, after reading through all those torturous chapters of the disturbingly painful fan-fiction 'My Immortal' (which Evil will continue to rant about) and gouging a hole in my stomach with a pencil, I ranted to Evil about her reasons for posting up a link to said fanfiction. The conversation went something like this:


Rinrei: Evil, why did you put a link to that awful story on the blog? I collapsed on the ground in a twitchy mess and died, then I came back to life. Have you seen The Editor's notes yet? He also died.


Evil: I know. I'm back and ready for my ascension to the throne.


Rinrei: Slowly paving our way to the top. Just need to push Pisces off. I'm just reading your story again. Oh, the hate filled comments...


Evil: I hate the story. Makes it fun to review, though. You should see my notes. It's basically filled
with "WHY???" and other cursings.


Rinrei: Definitely. I'm not going to read the chapters, but the final one, just to see if that argument you were talking about is true.

*A little while later...*

Rinrei: Someone has to kill her off in a non-romantic way. Just PLEASE.

And then we continued to ramble about our hatred for the next hour or so, but that isn't the point. After reading this horrific fan-fiction I decided that since we no longer had a punching bag for me to punch, I would read a good fan-fiction called 'Future Talk'.

  So, to regain my sanity, I shall now start reviewing this fan-fiction.

  The story starts with our main character who is a 20-year-old with a cripple leg called Dani Thompson. Not a Mary-sue. Good start. Our actual story starts with Dani being forced to review a horrific fan-fiction (I actually did a review of this story excerpt) and ranting about how much she hates it. Already, we have an idea that she isn't one of those gooey-gooey, love-love readers. 

  The name of the first chapter is 'Death for my Birthday', so it's not surprising that Dani dies in the first chapter. Ironic thing is, it's her birthday. I think she and Pisces would get along perfectly (as in, they enjoy killing off their main character in the first chapter).

  In the next chapter, the author already goes and shows she's been doing her research as Dani is given a second chance at life if she can save another world (Dani even goes ahead and quotes Star Wars to mock this). But, this is done much better than I say it is with Dani's personality all over it. 

  Now, I said the author had been doing their research, and I said that for a reason. In this there are, obviously, alternative universes and time paradoxes and all things science related. Now, that doesn't mean that the author rubs it in your face, because the person telling the story is Dani and Dani is a bit of an idiot. 

  Since Dani is sort of...dead, she has to nick someone else's body. Luckily, there was already a shapeshifter lurking around that died (we find out later that this was planned) and since that was the only time that anyone had ever seen said shapeshifter and the demons that saw it died, it's the perfect opportunity for Dani to get a new body.

  I can't really tell you much about the actual story itself since that would spoil the fun, but I shall say that Dani  being in this world means that stuff changes. And boy does it change. Stuff changes because of Dani, who did not exist in this world before, and it seriously starts to muck the world up. Hence, this author has researched her science.

  Personally, I think this is a great fan-fiction because it manages to keep to realism and Dani appears as a well-balanced person with both her flaws and her strengths. And even better, THE CHARACTERS ARE IN CHARACTER! You have no idea how rare that is people. No idea. 


  Now, seeing as this post isn't long enough, let's talk about Dani Thompson properly.

(That's drawn by me.I'm doing a comic version for the author.)

  Now, this drawing doesn't fully represent Dani. In the story, Dani is obviously 20, but people often think she's a child not only because of her stunted growth, but her overall personality. Most of the time, Dani acts entirely on impulse and is known for getting herself in a lot of trouble, but surprisingly, she does think things through. Throughout the story, you can see her mature and learn and trying to be useful despite her faults and sometimes she does it well. She reacts like most people would under stress and is just as emotional, goofy or serious as everyone else. This makes her a well-balanced, well-developed character that is so uncommon in fan-fiction today.


  Now there are a few flaws to the story, and as a critic, I have to point them out no matter how much I love the story. Sometimes, the author goes into too much detail about how the people look when Dani first meets the crew and although this is good for the story, since everything is different, I can't help but get a little eye twitch when people go into too much detail. 


  Naturally, being as bias as I am, I am fine with the relationship between Dani and one of the characters because the author is one of the few people that does it WELL. However, since I have never seen that specific character falling in love with anyone I can't really say how he'd react to situations.


  Finally, there are too much comedic scenes in the beginning. Dani just seems to goof off the plot a little too much, but I think this is just the authors way of lightening the mood, which is good since the canon is originally comedic. However, near the end, Graphospasm is starting to fit everything into the darker plot and as we are near the end of the fan-fiction, I am still waiting in suspense to see what happens. Personally, I think Dani is going to be forced to kill the main bad guy while crying and all that jazz. Death in tears is always a good way to end a villian, unless you just want the hell  heck beaten out of that guy like what Ed did to Father. That was awesome.

  Well, that's all I can say without this becoming the long post for the week, so I guess I'm just continue that lovely war with the Eternal Editor.

SIGNING OFF!

RINREI




EDIT: This is apparently the 300th post, after cutting out all the drafts which just keep on appearing. Yay for me, but knowing me luck, someone's going to contradict me.

My Views on Fanfiction

Well, as it has turned out I really do like blogging. I must have suppressed all happiness from myself while I was doing exams.

But anyway, I decided to post something of real substance today. I had to say, I was quite intrigued that both Rinrei and the Professor have posted their thoughts on fanfiction and, although I may not be as experienced in the world of fanfiction as Rinrei might be, I have come across some glorious fanfiction which has indeed made me want to gouge my eyes out.

I must confess that I haven't much experience with fanfiction, and that I read my first fanfiction around a year ago. So, as a tribute to the first fanfiction I ever read, I shall be discussing the story in great length.

Now, this story has gained quite a reputation. It is a Harry Potter fanfiction, and I must warn you: It has a rather spectacular 'Mary-Sue' character. I'm going to assume you know what I mean by a Mary-Sue. If you don't, I promise you that this fanfiction is quite a good example of one. But anyway, the reason it has earned such a wonderful reputation is because, in short, it has been named the worst fanfiction that has ever cursed this planet.

Below I'm going to put some links down which you may wish to click so that you may read (or listen to) the story. I have to warn you, it has forty-four disappointing chapters, but really is worth the read to see what a good writer of any sort should never do.

This link leads to a certain website that has all the chapters and a good explanation as to why this fanfiction came to rather an abrupt end. I am using it myself to review the story: http://myimmortalrehost2.webs.com/

This link goes to a playlist of a rather hilarious reading of the story on YouTube. It is where I first heard of the fanfiction, and I love it. This, however, ends a little earlier than the actual fanfiction, as the reader decided to save his sanity and stop prematurely:  http://www.youtube.com/playlistlist=PL857359156BA76F56&feature=playlist-comment

Ah well, no use delaying the inevitable...

Chapter One

I so desperately wanted to just paste the entire chapter in just to let you read it, but I have a feeling that I'm not allowed to do that. (Note from The Editor: That's right. It's against the rules.) So instead, please just go and click any of the links above. You will see that the video is 2:22 long and that the actual chapter is one paragraph and four lines. What I think I can tell you, though, is this - a quick summary.


Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a vampire (with straight white teeth) and a witch in her seventh year at Hogwarts in England. She's obsessed with gothic clothing and make-up. She looks like Amy Lee (the lead singer from 'Evanescence'), but she isn't related to the 'major hottie' Gerard Way (lead singer from 'My Chemical Romance'). She hates prep (Uh... Picture Ashley Tisdale in 'High School Musical', and I think that's what a prep is) and the sun.

Also, apparently, it's possible for it to rain and snow at the same time. The wonders of England, huh?

CHAPTER END

I kid you not; that is the basic outline of Chapter One. That's just the paragraph. The next four lines are a pointless conversation with Draco Malfoy but, I promise you, we'll get to that later.

First off, the name of the main character. I had to keep flipping backwards and forwards from this page and the story just to make sure I could get it all in. (It occurred to me a while later that I could've easily copied and pasted it. Really, the things I go through to entertain you all.) In my opinion, no one in their right mind, even a sparkly emo vampire, would ever call their daughter that atrocity. It's like calling someone 'Sparkle Rainbow Moonshine', or something to that effect.

However, if it wasn't for the stupid names of such characters, I believe we would never have an indicator of how bad things are in a fanfiction. If the main 'original' character of the story has a name so long that it requires almost every letter of the English language to spell it, escape. Run away and never think of it again. However, we are going to have to delve deeper into this wonderful story with the amazing character of Ebony Darkness Demetia Raven Moonshine Way.

Next on my list to complain about is the excessive amount of description this girl has for herself. What I have found with story writing is that you don't spend pages and pages describing a character down to their last freckle. In fact, some of the best stories I have read dedicate a line or two to describe their character's hair colour and possibly eye colour if it's important. Ebony goes on to describe not only her 'ebony black hair [that’s how (she) got (her) name (glad that was explained, aren't we?)] with purple streaks and red tips that reaches (her) mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears', but her skin, her clothes - down to her pink fishnet tights - and even her freakin' teeth. I'm so happy she decided to impart this information. Where would we be if we didn't know that all her clothes come from 'Hot Topic'?

You can also tell she's a lovely girl: "A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them." This is the protagonist everyone wants, isn't it?

It will become more obvious as we progress through the chapters, but I have a slight suspicion that the writer of these piece, a girl called Tara, knows very little about Harry Potter and the Wizarding World. This may be very insignificant to many of you but, as a little bit of a Potterhead, the writer has already disappointed me. I don't know if you noticed but I have heavily emphasised the fact that Hogwarts seems to be in England. This is not true. Hogwarts is in Scotland; in the Prisoner of Azkaban it is mentioned that Hogwarts isn't too far from Dufftown, a very real town in Scotland. Admittedly, it's not the biggest mistake one can make. Many Americans do think that Hogwarts is in England, as the book is from England, and I'm sure they can be forgiven - just not by me. First rule of fanfiction: If you want to write fancfiction, make sure you get all your facts straight.

The four lines that I have mentioned before... Well, they're barely worth mentioning. Because I can't be bothered to even review them, here! Have an extract:

   “Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!
   “What’s up, Draco?” I asked.
   “Nothing,” he said shyly.
   But then I heard my friends call me, and I had to go away.

And that, my servants friends, is how this chapter concludes. Pay special attention to those three little dots before 'Draco Malfoy'. You'll find that our dear writer loves them even more than I do. In fact, as a game (and a ploy to make this post longer; nice try, Evil, but nothing gets by The Editor), let's keep a note of how many times ellipses appear in this story. We'll count them even if they have more than three dots.

(Ellipses Used: 1)

You may be wondering though, what with Rinrei's rant about bad spelling in fanfiction why this one seems exempt of any typos at all. Well, the answer can be found in the author's note before the story:

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

(Note from The Editor: Whimper... *Dies*)

That is the Author's true spelling. So why is her story almost completely devoid of this text talk? Her friend Raven is the answer. She edits Tara's story. I don't know how The Editor will feel about this, but I think that Raven was a very kind friend. In fact if it wasn't for this Raven, we may have had a lot of bother... Let's just hope Raven and Tara don't have some big fallout later. *Hint, hint.*

And so ends this short review of the small first chapter of 'My Immortal'. I can only warn you that this will get worse, so if you like well-written stories with decent spelling, please just close the window which has 'My Immortal' in it and back away. You may be very thankful.

I wish you well,
   Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers

P.S. Expect much censoring. It only gets worse.

Ketl of Fesh - FanFecshun

Okey so wonse epon a tim there wis a wee man with very funy heair who had superhairpowers and a pashin fer riteng but he hd no way 2 shw teh world hs tru pwers so he found a special ketl that was magic!!1!!! the ketl was fild wth fart emo fesh and thei wer ol alerjic tohair so the wee man who was called HARRY POTTER emtid the ketl and got a whole difrnt ketl so it was magc 2 n he set of to find mor fesh bcuz de othr fesh wer hairlerjic nd he found a bear mde of chopsteks cold MATT-AT nd he was rndom so he pot hem n the ketl.sm othr rndom peepl joined bt they wrnt good.

then th werld died the end dont expect me 2 rite mor if yo liekd et thn msg me and if u didnt UR A H8R N H8RS GONA H8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for refrnse, this is MATT-AT:


teknicly a berr med of chopstex


(Note from The Editor: That's the best fanfiction I've ever read. Wow. And is that really your face?
   The Professor's gonna kill you.)

Why I Criticize Fanfiction

For many of the reasons Professor Pisces has already explained (unless the whole set up has been altered and his post is above this), fanfiction is seen as an amateur and stupid way to pass time. Most of the time, this is actually true.

In my many years of writing, I have gotten most of my experience from fan-fiction. I won't deny that I have been writing ever since I was ten (by writing, I mean creating fanfics), and in my earlier years, my writing skills were truly horrific. But back then I thought I was a master. Oh boy, I was in for some trouble. After maturing from my half-hearted writing, I reopened one of my old accounts and read some of my older stories, only to die, torn in half by shock. None of you will get that reference, so I won't explain it.

Not only were my characters beyond Mary-Sue (I may or may not explain this in full one day), but I had no proper plot. As you can tell, I blew up my account. I killed it with fire. Or with Hiei if I feel like being creative.

I created a new account on that very same website and started up writing some new stories. This was a fanfiction website, so you seriously expect less from me? I've learned through trial and error about what makes a good fanfiction and what makes a bad one. So far, over 70% of fanfictions have been riddled with so many spelling and grammar errors that it would make The Eternal Editor cry. (Note from The Editor: Boo-hoo. Saracastic weep.)(Rinrei: You've read the story extract in Evil's post on fanfic. You died on that.) It's worse than mine, and that's saying something. (Note from The Editor: Too true...)(Rinrei: I'm getting better!)

So, being the experienced veteran of story writing that I am, I decided to be an online critic. I point out the errors and stick in ideas. This is generally how the 30% of good fanfiction writers get the rest of the population to improve.

However, there are those who do not want to better their plot and do not want their characters to be original or believable. They want their character to be far superior to all other characters and take the canon characters so out-of-character that it makes me want to head-butt a creeper while stabbing myself in the stomach with a pencil screaming: ALL FANFIC WRITERS SUCK! Luckily, the few remaining good writers, or those willing to change the plot with a bit of advice, have stopped me from dying again by being professional about their writing.

While fanfiction has no proper category of it's own and appears simple enough, it requires work. You need to research every single detail about that canon world and make sure you place your characters into it properly without breaking the laws of that universe and without changing any major plot points. In 'Future Talk', although the story is set in an almost alternative universe, Graphospasm (the author) still managed to keep the laws of the universe in place and even add in a few alternative places of her own (except for the Blue Amazons, which seems a bit too close to 'Avatar').

'Story of the Century' managed to keep the entire plot line perfectly in place and still managed to twist in a new theme and a believable, original character without having to alter anything.

There is also '72 Hours', which is a fanfiction of 'Battle Royale' but far more violent and, in my opinion, more awesome than the original. I wrote the clipping of the girl's index finger into my story before reading it, which scares me. I guess all psychopaths think alike.

So, in conclusion, it is definitely possible to write good fanfiction stories, but don't go thinking that it means that you can twist the characters and plot for your own sick and/or stupid fantasies, because no one will like it unless they also enjoy having characters bend to the will of your perfect Mary-Sue. That, and you may get a very unpleasant visit from me about how your lame story irritates me.

Here are some links to the stories I referred to in this post, to avoid the authors thinking I did not acknowledge them:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5656243/1/Future_Talk: Don't judge it by the beginning; it's supposed to be like that to show off how bad half the fanfiction author population is.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590180/1/Story_Of_The_Century: The best fan-fiction I have ever read, minus '72 Hours'.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1501019/1/72_Hours : The black humour really is to my style, although I don't recommend it for the squeamish.

Oh, I almost forgot, Graphospasm has a blog somewhere, and she's really good. Go and follow her like you follow us, minions: http://graphospastictendencies.blogspot.co.uk/

SIGNING OFF!
   Rinrei

Fanfiction, and Why I Dislike It - Mostly

One of the most common types of writing to be found on the Internet is fanfiction. There are fanfictions of Star Wars, Death Note, Star Trek... You name it and there's a fanfiction of it. But the sad thing is that, despite the gross amount of it, very little of it is actually any good.

Fanfiction, for those of you who don't know, is a form of writing where the author adopts a character, setting or other part of an existing franchise/series and creates a story based around that borrowed element. This is, surprisingly enough, a very widespread thing to do. the benefits of doing this are great: You have much less work to do - the world's already made up, and so you have less stuff to work out for yourself. At the same time, if you misinterpret or misuse an element or idea from whatever you're copying off of, it ends up looking very bad indeed.

This is how most fanfictions turn out. Characters are put in situations they would never get to otherwise, and respond in exactly the wrong way. But there is a deeper problem, and one that cannot simply be attributed to the mere existence of fanfiction. The problem is this: Some people just cannot write.

It works like this. You have an idea, and you think "Wahey, I can go and write that down and everything will be fine!" Nuh-uh. As a friend of mine once told me, "I could be a great writer: I have great ideas, but when I get to writing them down, they look very boring."

Well, perhaps that was paraphrasing, and maybe it's because he is simply the most singleminded, stubborn goat of a jerk I've ever had a reaction to meeting, but it's essentially right. Having an idea and having a framework for something is no good if you can't hang something on it. It's like getting a great canvas and some excellent paints and then drawing a smiley face. Though you have all the tools to create a great work, you have to have some skill to be able to pull it off. This has resulted in some truly terrible pieces of writing that end up as hideous, unintentional parodies of what used to be a good thing. (If you haven't read Rinrei's 'A Bad Story', I would. It's a good example of something really badly written, especially when you compare it to whatever it's based on.)


Just as an example of a 'horrible parody'...

Now this is not to say that I A) do not enjoy some fanfiction or B) dislike the idea. However, this is very similar to saying that I like the idea of healthy food in that I appreciate the concept, but don't exactly enjoy the results. (Ugh... Lettuce.) There is some fanfiction that is well worth a read, assuming you enjoyed the original series or what it was based on.

There is actually quite a lot of what could be considered as 'fanfiction' in mainstream bookstores. For example, the Warhammer series of books. I've never actually read them, but they're reputed to be fairly good, and there are a fair number of them. These are works of fanfiction that have been comissioned and published. The difference between these and amateur fanfiction pieces is that the author is paid to be good. They have an incentive to research the universe, get to grips with the details and eventually execute a good story.


An example of published fanfiction, this one being from the 'Warhammer' universe.

It is due to an absolute lack of this incentive that most fan-made, Internet-published fanfiction is either innacurate or just bad. And that is why I dislike fanfiction. This is not to say, however, that there are not some talented people out there who really should be writing some stuff. But the matter still stands that thre are those who wish to write but can't. To those who try but fail: Nice try, but please - don't keep trying! Try something else. A different genre, perhaps. But it's only when a room is dark that a light can clearly be seen...

If anyone wishes to prove me wrong, I'm more than happy to listen. But seeing as no-one will protest - at all - I'll simply end this here and now.

Please, do not write fanfiction! Write something original.