My Immortal, Chapter Two - A Review

Good day to you all. I hope you are well.

Last night, I took it upon myself to print out 'My Immortal' story so that I could take notes. First off, despite the length of the chapters being barely more than a page, it is a ridiculously long story. I still cringe at the amount of paper and ink I had to use. Then I managed to mix up all the pages, which meant I actually had to read the story, but believe me when I say that is sometimes not enough. At one point I lost my mind and had to go read 'Romeo and Juliet' to regain what sanity I had left.

But still, I have to say that when reading this story with a critical eye, there is a lot to notice. The spelling is even more blinding as time goes by, and I had to translate some sentences into readable English.

Here's the link again: http://myimmortalrehost2.webs.com/

*I must apologise that I am not using the proper 'terms' used in fanfiction such as 'canon', but as I have said before, I'm not that experienced in fanfiction. I do not trust myself to use these terms, as I will feel like I will get something wrong.*

Anyway, make way for...

Chapter Two

Summary:

Moonshine Ebony wakes up from her coffin (which is black and with pink velvet inside) and drinks some blood. It's snowing and raining, again. She changes. Her friend Willow ("AN: Raven dis is u!") wakes up and changes. She looks almost exactly the same as Ebony. They start talking about Draco Malfoy and, rather coincidentally, he appears in front of them. Willow is forgotten as Draco asks Ebony Moonshine to go to a concert in Hogsmeade with him. She gasps.

CHAPTER END

Yet another exciting chapter to keep us on the edge of our seats. This chapter is longer than the last, but it only fills a page. With spaces in between the one-line paragraphs. But let's crack on, because I do want to revise for an upcoming maths test next week.

Paragraph one is a wonderful start to this story. The second half of it is dedicated to what the protagonist is wearing and her taste in accessories. Can you guess what colour her clothes were? If you said black, then good for you! The first half of this paragraph is just a little reminder to us all that Ebony Moonshine is a vampire. She notes how she sleeps in a coffin and, as a morning drink, has some blood. Thank goodness all that was put in; I had almost forgotten that you were a vampire.

Oh, and it was snowing and raining at the same time. After writing my last post, I thought that maybe the writer had actually meant sleet and just wanted to describe it in length. But then, as I was checking this morning, I found that sometimes it can snow and rain at the same time in certain conditions. So I'm sorry, Miss Tara, I just thought you were being silly. After all, that's all you've done so far.

This next paragraph is just as exciting as the last. For this one, Ebony Moonshine steps away from the spotlight and the main focus of the story (for four lines, gasp!) is Willow, Ebony's best friend. In case you didn't notice the author note which I pasted into the summary, Willow is based on the author's editing friend. Oh, they must be really good friends! I can't see this friendship ever ending...

Anyway, clothes are yet again described in superb detail for the rest of the paragraph, making it impossible for me to actually say anything about it. I'm not a very fashion-wise person in any way, so I can't spend very long discussing clothes.

So, what happens when you stick two adolescent girls/vampires with the same taste in fashion (I'm not kidding. They seem to be borrowing clothes off of one another!) in a room together? That's right. Girl talk:

“OMG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so don’t!” I shouted.
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed.

Pairings are very fickle things. If you ever wish to side with a particular pairing, I must warn you to tread lightly. The Internet is filled with many fangirls and fanboys who stand by the opinion that their pairing is the only viable one in the world. That's why I tend to stay very far away from any fanfiction which includes a pairing between an original character (OC) and an existing one. I have never read a good fanfiction so far that included an OC pairing. So this is my next rule of writing fanfiction: Please, unless you are very skilful, do not write a pairing between your original character and an existing one. It almost always ends in Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus. And this story is definitely a good example of what I mean. You see, at the end of this extremely riveting conversation - which managed to last the journey from Hogwarts' dungeons to the Great Hall - who should happen to appear but the man of the conversation: Draco Malfoy! Oh how lucky you are, Moonshine Ebony!

Do you want to see their amazing greeting?

“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied flirtily.

I guess you could say that it is moving the story along, as it mentions a certain plot point which constantly shows itself throughout the rest of the story: Moonshine Ebony's confusing relationship with Draco Malfoy. This is just the start of a terrible pairing.

Now I know most conversations do indeed start in that specific way; in fact that is usually the contents of any Facebook message I ever receive. However, it really isn't something anyone wants to read. I'm not going to even bother pasting in the rest of the conversation, as it's as exciting as the start. Read it yourself. 

If you are too lazy or too scared to go read it, I will tell you that by the end of the chapter, Malfoy has managed to pluck up the courage to ask out our protagonist on a date to a Good Charlotte concert which just so happens to be in Hogsmeade. I don't even care. 

What I do care about, though, is that there are some ellipses! So let's add that to our little tally: 

 

(Ellipses Used: 2)

And so we come to the end of another disappointing chapter. I hope that you enjoyed this trip a lot more than I did. To save my soul, I'm going to read some more Romeo and Juliet which will hopefully cleanse my soul. 

Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers