My Views on Fanfiction

Well, as it has turned out I really do like blogging. I must have suppressed all happiness from myself while I was doing exams.

But anyway, I decided to post something of real substance today. I had to say, I was quite intrigued that both Rinrei and the Professor have posted their thoughts on fanfiction and, although I may not be as experienced in the world of fanfiction as Rinrei might be, I have come across some glorious fanfiction which has indeed made me want to gouge my eyes out.

I must confess that I haven't much experience with fanfiction, and that I read my first fanfiction around a year ago. So, as a tribute to the first fanfiction I ever read, I shall be discussing the story in great length.

Now, this story has gained quite a reputation. It is a Harry Potter fanfiction, and I must warn you: It has a rather spectacular 'Mary-Sue' character. I'm going to assume you know what I mean by a Mary-Sue. If you don't, I promise you that this fanfiction is quite a good example of one. But anyway, the reason it has earned such a wonderful reputation is because, in short, it has been named the worst fanfiction that has ever cursed this planet.

Below I'm going to put some links down which you may wish to click so that you may read (or listen to) the story. I have to warn you, it has forty-four disappointing chapters, but really is worth the read to see what a good writer of any sort should never do.

This link leads to a certain website that has all the chapters and a good explanation as to why this fanfiction came to rather an abrupt end. I am using it myself to review the story: http://myimmortalrehost2.webs.com/

This link goes to a playlist of a rather hilarious reading of the story on YouTube. It is where I first heard of the fanfiction, and I love it. This, however, ends a little earlier than the actual fanfiction, as the reader decided to save his sanity and stop prematurely:  http://www.youtube.com/playlistlist=PL857359156BA76F56&feature=playlist-comment

Ah well, no use delaying the inevitable...

Chapter One

I so desperately wanted to just paste the entire chapter in just to let you read it, but I have a feeling that I'm not allowed to do that. (Note from The Editor: That's right. It's against the rules.) So instead, please just go and click any of the links above. You will see that the video is 2:22 long and that the actual chapter is one paragraph and four lines. What I think I can tell you, though, is this - a quick summary.


Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a vampire (with straight white teeth) and a witch in her seventh year at Hogwarts in England. She's obsessed with gothic clothing and make-up. She looks like Amy Lee (the lead singer from 'Evanescence'), but she isn't related to the 'major hottie' Gerard Way (lead singer from 'My Chemical Romance'). She hates prep (Uh... Picture Ashley Tisdale in 'High School Musical', and I think that's what a prep is) and the sun.

Also, apparently, it's possible for it to rain and snow at the same time. The wonders of England, huh?

CHAPTER END

I kid you not; that is the basic outline of Chapter One. That's just the paragraph. The next four lines are a pointless conversation with Draco Malfoy but, I promise you, we'll get to that later.

First off, the name of the main character. I had to keep flipping backwards and forwards from this page and the story just to make sure I could get it all in. (It occurred to me a while later that I could've easily copied and pasted it. Really, the things I go through to entertain you all.) In my opinion, no one in their right mind, even a sparkly emo vampire, would ever call their daughter that atrocity. It's like calling someone 'Sparkle Rainbow Moonshine', or something to that effect.

However, if it wasn't for the stupid names of such characters, I believe we would never have an indicator of how bad things are in a fanfiction. If the main 'original' character of the story has a name so long that it requires almost every letter of the English language to spell it, escape. Run away and never think of it again. However, we are going to have to delve deeper into this wonderful story with the amazing character of Ebony Darkness Demetia Raven Moonshine Way.

Next on my list to complain about is the excessive amount of description this girl has for herself. What I have found with story writing is that you don't spend pages and pages describing a character down to their last freckle. In fact, some of the best stories I have read dedicate a line or two to describe their character's hair colour and possibly eye colour if it's important. Ebony goes on to describe not only her 'ebony black hair [that’s how (she) got (her) name (glad that was explained, aren't we?)] with purple streaks and red tips that reaches (her) mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears', but her skin, her clothes - down to her pink fishnet tights - and even her freakin' teeth. I'm so happy she decided to impart this information. Where would we be if we didn't know that all her clothes come from 'Hot Topic'?

You can also tell she's a lovely girl: "A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them." This is the protagonist everyone wants, isn't it?

It will become more obvious as we progress through the chapters, but I have a slight suspicion that the writer of these piece, a girl called Tara, knows very little about Harry Potter and the Wizarding World. This may be very insignificant to many of you but, as a little bit of a Potterhead, the writer has already disappointed me. I don't know if you noticed but I have heavily emphasised the fact that Hogwarts seems to be in England. This is not true. Hogwarts is in Scotland; in the Prisoner of Azkaban it is mentioned that Hogwarts isn't too far from Dufftown, a very real town in Scotland. Admittedly, it's not the biggest mistake one can make. Many Americans do think that Hogwarts is in England, as the book is from England, and I'm sure they can be forgiven - just not by me. First rule of fanfiction: If you want to write fancfiction, make sure you get all your facts straight.

The four lines that I have mentioned before... Well, they're barely worth mentioning. Because I can't be bothered to even review them, here! Have an extract:

   “Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!
   “What’s up, Draco?” I asked.
   “Nothing,” he said shyly.
   But then I heard my friends call me, and I had to go away.

And that, my servants friends, is how this chapter concludes. Pay special attention to those three little dots before 'Draco Malfoy'. You'll find that our dear writer loves them even more than I do. In fact, as a game (and a ploy to make this post longer; nice try, Evil, but nothing gets by The Editor), let's keep a note of how many times ellipses appear in this story. We'll count them even if they have more than three dots.

(Ellipses Used: 1)

You may be wondering though, what with Rinrei's rant about bad spelling in fanfiction why this one seems exempt of any typos at all. Well, the answer can be found in the author's note before the story:

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

(Note from The Editor: Whimper... *Dies*)

That is the Author's true spelling. So why is her story almost completely devoid of this text talk? Her friend Raven is the answer. She edits Tara's story. I don't know how The Editor will feel about this, but I think that Raven was a very kind friend. In fact if it wasn't for this Raven, we may have had a lot of bother... Let's just hope Raven and Tara don't have some big fallout later. *Hint, hint.*

And so ends this short review of the small first chapter of 'My Immortal'. I can only warn you that this will get worse, so if you like well-written stories with decent spelling, please just close the window which has 'My Immortal' in it and back away. You may be very thankful.

I wish you well,
   Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers

P.S. Expect much censoring. It only gets worse.

Remember Me?

Yes. I'm back, for a short while. Maybe even only for this post, but I'm back and ready to reclaim my title as the Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers. I have left you on many a cliffhanger during my long hiatus. I was studying - evidently not an excuse worthy enough to the Professor, where he points out that Rinrei herself is in the same year as me and still finds time to post on the blog - but I am back. If I can remember the joy of blogging after this post, maybe you can expect more of me again.

"But what on earth caused you to come back to us?" you ask. Well, my loyal servants slaves readers, that is an interesting story.

More than a week ago, while my parents were out of the house and away, the doorbell rang. Answering it, I found my neighbour holding a Tupperware box with something inside - something I could only describe as slime at the time. She begged me to take it off her hands, so I obliged and was given a set of instructions.

That's right. I got Herman, the friendly yeast.

But anyway, ten days of nurturing Herman went by and at the end of it he made such a lovely cake. But we had bits of Herman left over. Three quarters of him, in fact. Overnight, Herman had tried to take over our kitchen. We knew that we couldn't keep him. My mother destroyed two quarters of Herman, but we felt pity for the last one. So, we thought to ourselves, who do we know in the neighbourhood who would gladly take a piece of Herman...?

We gave it to the Professor. He would only accept Herman on one condition: That I post something on the blog.

So here you go, Professor. Have a post. Was it what you expected? I don't really care at this point. I'll post in the future - probably - but I don't know how close or far away that future is.

Peace out, y'all!
   Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers

P.S. What is all this about me being a Tasmanian Devil?

(Note from The Editor: Ah, the prodigal returns. Better late than never. Still, I suppose I can't complain...
   I would go and read through all the posts that you missed, Evil. Especially 'Comparing Authors with Animals'. In fact, check the whole 'Comparisons' section.
   Ed out.)

A War I Don't Care For

I'm sorry. I know this isn't sticking with my evil side but I have to say I do not care for this conflict that is now coming from all directions.

   Being one of the blog's least active members, I had no idea about this whole 'Code War' thing until Rinrei told me herself. Then, one day, I make an appearance and The Editor is waging war against everyone, including me!
   I don't know who is in the right or who is in the wrong, all I know is that I am on neither side. I DO NOT CARE FOR THIS AT ALL!!! I still have homework from school to do and I've been trying to draw pictures for a friend of mine. I HAVE NO TIME TO PLAY YOUR SILLY LITTLE GAMES!!!
   Any post which drags me into this nonsense will earn the author of said post an earful.
   Thank you for listening.

Note from The Editor: I no longer hide my comments between parentheses. They are out in the open.
   So this is how it is going to be... If you are not with us, then you are against us. 'Us' refers to me. Or them, where 'them' means Pisces, matt and Rinrei. Though Pisces is oddly silent on the matter...

Note from EMOC to Editor: No.... I am going to stay in the shadows. Any code or cipher you decide to create I will ignore.

Happy New Year...

Yes, I realise that I am a few days late for this, but would you rather I didn't say anything at all? (Professor, don't answer that.)
   Well, my dear little servants friends, I hope your Christmas was pleasant, and if it wasn't then I hope that the unpleasantness came after the general goodwill part as it did for me. You shall observe that I have survived the opening of presents and the wonderful dinner that my mother had made. However, soon after this I went to a friend's house, and the veritable sea of animal fur in that house  caused my throat to give up on itself and plague me with phlegm for the days after. I am still suffering from this, despite many puffs from an inhaler and taking medicine. Never fear, I promise you I am still living happily, watching the epic-ness that is Kung Fu Panda 2 and stuffing my face with the wonderful "polo chocolate" that my friend kindly gave me.
   The real reason I am on now is to sort of remind you all that I still exist. Recently I have been going through an "Artist's Block" where I have not been able to think of anything to draw. I have been down in the dumps about this and not really thinking about anything else. This has not only interfered with blogging, but also with my schoolwork which, as of this moment, I am trying to catch up on. But it is nothing to worry about now, as I have now completely gotten the "Block" out of my system by scribbling with blue pen. Right now I am in the process of drawing a picture which will hopefully satisfy me for a long time.
   So I'm back to blogging. My review of 'Twilight' shall be finished later. I actually need to plan what I am about to write and maybe I'll be doing more topical rants when I feel like it. For now I hope you all survive the apocalypse later this year but until then, goodnight.

Twilight - The Review

Ha ha. Yes. I have now decided to become a masochist and review something which has been reviewed maybe too many times by too many peole before: The Twilight Saga.
   You may or may not want to read this, but I will warn you now that there are some brilliant reviews on this book already floating around the Internet. For instance there is Nerimon's hilarious youtube videos (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2L253VLwH3w) or the magnificent Uncensored Twilight Reviews by "Doitforthelulz" on Deviantart (http://doitforthelulz.deviantart.com/gallery/29983641).
   So I doubt my review will be as wonderful as those but I'm going to try. But I'm trying later as today is the day when I shall dress up as an elf and make a fool of myself.
   See you.

Christmas Time

Hello my friends. I know it has been a long time unless you count that rather short message I posted a while ago. Maybe you have all completely forgotten who I am but do not despair. The operation is still moving forward as planned.
   My servants friends, I have decided  that today I shall be reviewing the lovely month of December in all its glory: the good and the bad. I plan to make this extra long so that the Professor will behave and stop telling me to be more active because let's face it, during the operation I will be in a room miles away pushing little models with a stick.
   So anyway, December. It's a very special month, isn't it? Due to mass advertising, many companies think they can use Christmas as a way of making people think that their product is the best damn thing in the world simply because their advert features Santa. One of the best adverts I feel for showing this is the advert for 4music - a music channel which I feel is utterly useless - where they portray many Santas in a 'Santa Rehabilitation Centre' and have included nothing about music or any artists. Advertising, I think, is one of the many things that have made people hate this wonderful holiday.
   And on that subject there is the music.Who has not wanted to tear out their eardrums with burning hot wires whenever they hear the absolute torture that is 'Sleigh Ride'? One of my rather tall friends at school is in danger of having his throat ripped out as he has managed to find one hundred different Christmas songs, and we don't like Christmas songs. I'm not saying that I do not occasionally like to hear a little 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town', but to all shops out there: WE DO NOT NEED TO HEAR IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHILE WE SHOP FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNERS!!!
   Yes. I call Christmas Christmas. Deal with it.
   I do love the food though. Turkey leaves much to be desired, but the rest of the food is delicious. Pigs-in-Blankets, Roast Potatoes, that weird cauliflower and cheese thing my dad makes every year, etc, etc. Christmas is a natural way of storing the much-needed stuff that will keep us going through winter, ie it's a way of making ourselves fat with Mince Pies. Christmas, like many other traditional holidays, is a full-on 'I'm going to stuff my face with food' holiday.
   But we all know the reason why Christmas is too stressful for us humans. That reason is buying presents for people. Every year since I was thirteen I have placed it upon myself to buy all the Christmas presents for my friends. Also, since I was thirteen I haven't had a decent night's sleep in December. The choice of what to get people is endless: should you get something practical for your friends that they'll use over and over again (in my case, pens)? Or should you get them something full of novelty which only they shall see the humour (in my case, a mushroom)? Maybe something home-made will suffice (I don't have a case for this). Or you could just get them chocolate to add to the extra weight that they will collect at Christmas Dinner? Those are the main things you can get for your friends. There is also the case of picking something of the right value. You don't want to give someone some chocolate that cost you £3 and then they give you an expensive ornament that they found in Harrods that they knew was for you. It's like trying to fish for tuna with your bare hands in shark infested waters. Pick the wrong one and suddenly you've lost something important. Wait too long and you will still lose.
   I know I have been complaining quite a bit here, but the truth is I actually love Christmas. I love seeing the general Christmas films that end up on TV and I do get a nice feeling out of giving people presents. And also it's nice seeing that people do in fact care for you enough to send you a card or a present. Also, the Professor complains all the time in his so-called 'insights', so why can't I?
   Christmas rules, peeps!

I'm Going Away For a Bit...

I've decided to give my explanation of my mysterious disappearance to my rather non-existent audience and the Professor, who has been pestering me for a very long time, and it can be easily described in one word.

   Exams. I had exams.

   Not that I spent time actually studying but I've tried and in the process of trying, I barely got anything done. So now I'm panicking and in my one moment of calm I've decided to write this short notice to tell you that until December 13th I will not be available for blogging.

   Thanks for listening.

Hello, My Old Servants/Friends...

Well, isn't it lovely to see you all again. I am back, and believe me when I say that you're all getting about mouthful of pure Evil Mistress talk.

You see, you should have all at least noticed that I have all been missing. I know for a fact I was being begged for and that pleases me. But anyway, I have been in Belgium and Paris for the last week or so as part of my history class. Get ready for tales of Laughter, Tears and even Love. (But since I can't really be bothered we'll be doing one day at a time. I have better things to do with my time.)

So let's all go back... to a time where I set my alarm clock stupidly early...

*            *            *

The First Day
Why you shouldn't sit next to me on a really long bus journey.

You really shouldn't. I get very excitable.

But it all started at bloody 3:30 in the morning when my stupid alarm clock decided to blare into my ear the consequence of not paying attention to the fact that I had not paid attention when setting the alarm. With an exasperated sigh I proceeded to destroy my clock with a conveniently placed hammer.

No that didn't happen.

But I was ready in about an hour. I didn't have to be where the bus was until 5:45am. It was 4:30. I had to entertain myself so I went for the obvious choice. I logged on to Facebook, where I checked to see if any other of my travelling 'friends' were available to talk to them in a conversation that would mainly consist of "I'm so EXCITED!!!!! <3". Unfortunately it seemed all my 'friends' were smart and were actually doing something sensible. Like sleeping.

Anyway, it conspired that I couldn't bear to be on Facebook anymore so I ran to the safety of my bedroom where I watched Mock the Week: Too Hot for TV!. I wasn't going to be able to watch many comedies during the next week so I may well be prepared for Chick Flicks and stupid Action Films.

But here's the crunch. I figured since I was leaving so early I would say goodbye to my family the night before. Hugs and a "We'll miss you!". But my father was the one who was to take me to the bus, my mother wanted to see me off and my brother, who you all know as Matt, wakes up stupidly early already. So all my goodbyes bar one were useless. I had been given useless goodbyes. But still I said goodbye to them again and me and my dad sped off to the school which had the bus.

I can't tell you much about the journey there. Me and my dad don't talk particularly much unless it's about the past. Which was good because I was about to endure a trip to the past during the next week.

I got to the school with plenty of time to spare and proceeded to give the very nice bus driver, who shall be known as Andy, my suitcase and wellies. I looked around. There were parents standing around and I figured they were waiting to see their children off. You know, the ones they've looked after for fifteen years? So I figured I hug my dad because I knew what he was going to do. I hugged him awkwardly and got onto the bus to sit next to my friend, The Mushroom, and low and behold my dad sped away in his car in that time while some mother was crying her eyes out for her son.

Don't worry. I love him really.

But our journey couldn't start. We were late to leave because of one boy who we shall call ... Bayo. Bayo was a sensible boy who doesn't look like much but he can kick ass. I enjoy talking to Bayo so I was getting a little worried about him to the point at 5:55 I was clutching The Mushroom's arm until it might as well have fallen off. One minute to six, no Bayo. At 6:00 though, on the dot, a car came speeding past and Bayo rushed out his case trailing behind him. I breathed a sigh of relief.

And so our journey began. A journey of wonder it seems to the other school. We were wondering about them because in the past months we had only ever met a few. Only one of them was still in my mind really. So when people slowly piled onto the bus we were all thinking "What manner of creatures are these?" but again we carried on our journey.

I can't recall exactly what I was talking about. I remember watching Toy Story 3, where I nearly cried as Woody said his last line. But I do remember making a new friend, who we shall call Meg. Our meeting really isn't a brilliant one. It just started with her turning around and saying "I'm bored, can I talk to you?"

Hell, it gave us something to do on the bus.

At Stirling Service station we stopped to have a quick break, where I gazed in wonder at voodoo dolls and bought two, much to my friend's distress. They just bought sweets but I could only laugh at that. I had bought TEN packets of Polos in advance. So there.

But back on the bus journey to carry on to the next service station where we pigged out on chips. Just chips. It was wonderful really.

Still we pressed onwards until we got to Hull. It was an odd experience being in Hull and it was an even odder experience seeing the ferry. I didn't know boats could be that large. I didn't know they could have floors...

So my ignorance of ships was quite funny according to The Mushroom and my other friend, Bats. We got to the waiting room where I sat quietly wanting to get on the boat quickly. I had been on a ferry before but that was when I was about four so I wanted to see what had changed.

It was magical. It was like stepping into a hotel, not a boat. I honestly couldn't believe it. It was so fancy. It Had a cinema for crying out loud! But after throwing our overnight bags into our small rooms me and my friends went to wander where we found the video games.

I'm a big gamer. But I suck at gaming so I lost £2 for shooting at people.

But we eventually got bored as dinner was over and the movie theater was showing Horrid Henry. So Bats got out her cards.

I have never lost so many card games in my life. If we were betting, I would have become bankrupt.

Still that was really the day in all it's glory. There really were no exciting discoveries and nothing terribly new happened except when we went out on deck and I got some of my best photos.

Peace out peeps! And expect more tomorrow!

Note to the Professor: If you dare delete this post or edit it, I will kill you. You have no idea how long it took to type this up.

Note from the Professor: No, I have no idea how long it took to type it, but can you believe that it's taken me a very long time to edit out all your mistakes? Call me a Grammar Nazi, but you made a fair number of basic grammatical errors. Here I was thinking you had been spending the last week on a school trip.

As for killing me, I think you shall find that rather difficult when I am in charge of a sizeable arsenal and an equally sizeable army of killer androids while you are the leader of a motley group of Mafia wannabes armed with two-by-fours and a golf cart.

Goodbye My Little Rebels

Yes. Tomorrow I shall be flying out to Belgium on a school trip but you'll all keep the rebellion up, won't you?


So here's the really exciting part. Professor Pisces has asked me to write a little diary when I'm abroad so you guys can have the WWI history trip experience. What a lovely fellow.

But that's not what this blog is going to be about. Today I shall be writing about gratitude.

Just this morning, I went onto the rather popular Facebook to discover that one of my good friends had asked people if we should get our lovely teachers who are taking us to Belgium some presents as a sort of thank you to them.

You know the response it got? It was: "Not for Ms.                , cos shes a b*****!!!" This was from a girl who we shall call Cow Mcphersonen. (To the Professer: For that little quote, it was honestly like that. She couldn't even spell that one word right.)

Now I don't know about you, but I think that is a little ungrateful. This woman that Little Miss Cow had just badmouthed was the reason we were getting to go on this trip in the first place.

I myself found myself a little bit shocked and my hatred for Little Miss Cow grew at quite an enormous rate. I've had to hide it in Loch Ness so as not to draw attention to myself. But I began to realise that not many people of my age seem to look past the fact that teachers are human too. In my opinion, I would die a little inside if people didn't thank me for working my ass off so they could go somewhere nice. And yes they can be mean but hell, I'm a little sadistic brat but believe me people, I am human.

Anyway, I've got to end this for now as I have only just realised I have to get ready. Goodbye my little rebels, and  Happy Holidays wherever you are. But I don't care. I'm in Belgium.