Adding More Water...

Hello, dear viewers! I am the bearer of interesting news! I'm not sure if it's good or bad yet, but hey! That's life. Time will tell. Or at least, it'll tell me, 'cause I have a time machine. And everyone knows that time is friends with he who owns a machine that controls it.

It's is my duty to alert you to the fact that we have a NEW CONTRIBUTOR, The Human Beetroot. Actually, his name is Matt, and he is here to stay. For how long I can't say, but he's here for now and that's what matters.

A good friend of mine, Matt will give you fantasticly strange posts that will delve into the very hearts of matters that will actually never face our society. Ever. I know, because I have a time machine. Want proof? Go and ask the scientists over at CERN.

Anyhow, it is my pleasure to introduce Matt, otherwise known as The Really, Really Strange One! Below is his introductory statement. Read it if you dare... and don't say I didn't warn you.

Message begins. All text beyond this point is property of Matt, but not Matt alone.

*            *            *

Eskimau.

Now that I have that out of the way, I would like to introduce you to me. Because you aren't meant to start sentences with because. But, I am above grammar. I don't even need to use full stops. However, as I am a nice person, I shall respect the needs of you lowly grammaskis.
Now, if you know me, you'll know that I like to knit picnic hampers. If you don't... then you're missing out and should probably kill yourself.
I was lying. Not about everything, I meant about killing yourself. Please don't. If you've already gone and done it then, well, there isn't much I can do about that except laugh.
Now then, with all the introductory garbage out of the way, I can finally get on to the best bit. Me leaving.
I don't mean it as if I am a bad person and you should rejoice, I mean that I don't like prolonged contact with peasants. Which is a class that happens to include you.
Goodbye.

*            *            *

Message ends. And there you have it folks! It's the beginning of a very strange time at the Kettle. (I did warn you... we don't call him 'The Really, Really Strange One' for nothing...)

Ladys and gentlemen, boys and girls, cats and dogs, I give you... Matt!

Frequently Asked Questions - Questions You Never Ask

The other day, I was trying to get my iPod Touch to connect to my Chronos iDock when it basically broke. I connected my iPod to the docking station and switched it on. I put it on the correct setting and waited for it to start playing my music. And waited. And waited some more. And a little bit more.

After five minutes of patiently sitting reading a book, I noticed that the docking station had still not managed to connect with the iPod. By now I was a little bit miffed, so looked at the screen. In well spaced-out digital lettering, it told me that it was 'Connecting...'

Too right, I thought to myself. What do you think I've been waiing for you to do for the past five minutes?

I removed the iPod, placed it back on the iDock, and sat down again, waiting for it to connect. This time though, I stared at it intently. Now, in my world, if you stare at something for long enough then it will either do what you want it to or shuffle away to hide in some dark inaccesible corner at the bottom of the Mariana Trench when you eventually take your eyes off it, much like Leprechauns. (Admittedly, the latter of these two things does not happen very often, but you get the picture.) However, to my surprise and dismay, neither of these two things happened. I raised an eyebrow. This, I thought, is a challenge. And what do I never do when challenged by an inanimate object? Back down.

So I did what everyone who has a problem with technology is supposed to do. I looked in the manual.

Ten minutes later and, surprise surprise, I was none the wiser. Neither the manual for the iDock nor the instructions for the iPod gleaned any useful information. Except for one thing: a web address, hastily placed by some product designer on the bottom of the iDock's box.

Following this promising clue, I wound up in another chair, but this time sitting in front of a computer monitor. I brought up the internet and proceeded to the Apple website. That was when I made a mistake.

I entered the FAQ section.

For those of you who don't keep up with acronyms, FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions. It is supposed to be a quick way to get some easy answers to common questions, but after scrolling through them for half an hour, I had an epiphany.

NOBODY EVER ASKS ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS.

It's true though, isn't it? Very few people that I know of actually find the FAQ sections of websites useful. Most of the time they're filled up with stupid questions like 'How can I replace the batteries in my torch?', or 'How do I hammer a nail into a wall without either a) smashing my thumb Homer Simpson style or b) destroying the wall?'. Most of these kinds of question are either glaringly obvious (ie Remove thumb from nail before hitting with hammer) or could be found on the first page of the instruction manual. I find myself being constantly frustrated by the frequency with which such questions as 'How do I turn on my TV?' occur. Nobody who reads past the first page of an instruction manual really needs to ask around half the questions that can be found in FAQ sections.

I'm not sure. Is it just me who feels this way? Or is there a huge community of people out there who feel the same way? (Hah! I can see it now: Tired of FAQ sections not containing questions you want answered? Set up your tents and ready your egg-throwing arm! Protest against badly written FAQ sections TODAY!)

It's the same with troubleshooting guides. Most of the answers given are the ones you would have thought of immediately, unless you happen to be one of those people who do forget to turn their TV on before viewing the latest episode of The Simpsons.

Seriously though folks, who actually doesn't check that their TV is on before consulting the troubleshooting guide? It's certainly more difficult to find the troubleshooting guide, open it to the right page, consult it and fix the problem than just right off checking that the little light underneath the screen is either red or green. The same goes for iPod and iDock guides. They are infuriatingly patronising. If I have to read the words 'Check that Chronos iDock Version 2.5.0.4 (Trademark) (Copyright) is switched on' or 'Check that Chronos iDock Version 2.5.0.4 (Trademark) (Copyright) is correctly connected to a funstioning power socket' again, I will stare at the manual until it either gives me the information I want or it spontaneously combusts. Am I the only one to feel this way?

In the end, I didn't actually need the troubleshooting guides or the FAQs. I simply worked it out myself. I switched off the iPod completely and then rebooted it. Then it worked.

But this story is unimportant. The point is, neither the troubleshooting guides nor the FAQs helped in any way, shape or form, apart from telling me exactly what wasn't wrong with either of the two devices.

Maybe FAQs should just give up. Maybe they shouldn't even attempt to look like they're trying to help people, because let's face it: It annoys a far greater number of people than it removes annoyance for, if you catch my drift. Maybe they could answer questions that we might actually like to know the answers to AND learn something from, such as: "What's the capital of Ecuador?" (The answer is Quito, or 'E', if you want to be like that.) At least we'd come away a little more knowledgeable than when we'd arrived.

But what do you think? I've posted a poll up by the right-hand side. Take part, and tell the Kettle what you think!

Loose Changes

Hello to all readers! Things are coming along swimmingly with me at the Kettle, as I'm sure they are wherever you are.

Firstly, I would like to draw your attention to several changes that have been made to the blog. Firstly, there is the addition of a new Links section, which lists several sites that may be of interest to you, particularly if you enjoy my writings. The first, The Ides of February, is one that I myself contribute to on a fairly regular basis, but do not in fact run. The other, Skald's Tavern, is a good area to visit if you're into reading short stories or reading book reviews written by particularly moany reviewers.

Secondly, I would like to direct you towards the all-new Poll section of this website, located to the right of the main blogging area. On a fairly regular basis, I will make up a poll that has a loose connection to either a past, present or future post. The poll will stay up for a week, maybe two if I recieve a poor amount of feedback. I ask all readers to join in and answer the very simple questions that I pose. With this tool, I hope to better my understanding of what YOU, the viewer, thinks. After all, the viewers are what this is all about, ja? Also, this will help me with 'research' for future posts. Your contribution counts!

That's all for now folks! Keep checking back to see if any new posts have popped up, as I intend to be posting fairly often - at least once a week if I can manage it. I am deliberately avoiding setting myself up with a schedule, as I know that I will fall down and disappoint those of you who would hold me to it. (Yes, Skald, I'm looking at YOU here.)

Until the currents sweep me back, until the waves throw me back, until I simply come back of my own accord, I bid you all farewell!

A Note on Canine Intelligence

For my first true post on Kettle of Fish, I've decided to tell you exactly why dogs are not in charge of the world.

It comes down to this: Philosophy.

I know, I know, everything comes down to philosophy eventually. Dogs are no exception. We philosophise about nearly everything - how we wake up in the moring, what we eat, what we do for a living, etc, etc, etc. Dogs are almsot exactly the same. They, too, philosophise and let it govern their lives.

Or at least, they would if they had the right sort of brain. It is a well-known fact among dog owners that dogs are in fact very intelligent, unless you happen to own a certain Dalmation who runs into glass doors a little too often. If they set their minds to it, they could crush us beneath their paws with superior numbers, strength and those big, wide eyes that make it difficult to ever even think about harming one. The thing is though that their instincts won't allow them to complete a thought process. Allow me to explain.

Humans have long lived by the philosophy 'I think, therefore I am'. This is one of the best ways of proving to yourself that you do in fact exist. Our canine friends have long almost been in reach of achieving the same philosophy. The only thing stopping them are small, furry mammals.

Human thought process: 'I think, therefore I am'.

Dog thought process: 'I think, therefore MUST CHASE RABBIT!'

In conclusion, I can safely say that the only way our doggy friends will ever rule the world is if either a) all small, furry mammals instantly die of heart failure or b) dogs find a way to override their instincts. Either that, or they grow opposable thumbs. But that's a story for another day.

Remember, humans: As long as small furry mammals survive, so do we! So please folks, respect the guinea pigs!

That is all.

Turn on the Kettle!

Hello, viewers! I am the most enigmatic of enigmas, most fantastic of fantasticals, most egotistical of egoists, the famous Professor Pisces! I am here to begin a new blog for all to enjoy, in which I will post many things that will no doubt be of great interest to all.

OK, now that the first impressions are over, I'd like to officially welcome you to the new blog of Professor Pisces, but please, call me Pisces. People know me by many names, though I am not at liberty to disclose these identities for reasons that must, sadly, also remain undisclosed. I like to think of myself as an aspiring writer or author, though 'aspiring' may not be the right word. You see, I have written many things in the past, but none have been published - yet. In this blog, I hope to share with you a passion for writing of most kinds. (I don't say all, because I have never been particularly good at writing romantic stories of any kind, unless it's a sort of twisted romance where time travel likes to play a part.) Through this blog, I will publish to your eyes short stories, reviews films and books and maybe even show you how I see the world. ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats (because we all know that cats and dogs are far more intelligent than us), I give you...

          A Whole Different Kettle of Fish!