Phlegmon and Eldercows

Yo peasantries.
   I'd like to begin by saying that lemon and elderflower sparkling juice is the worst thing to come into contact with my tongue since raw quail eggs.
   I'd also like to begin by saying gargantua.
   This is still the beginning, and I would like to continue on it with green paint and a spatula. If you have not tried toast with green paint, then you are probably fine. If you have, I suggest stripping to your skin (or further, if at all possible), running into the street and beginning to sing various songs as loud as your lungs will accept. Or louder. If you are silly enough to eat green paint you should probably go louder. I doubt that anyone would miss you.
   That aside, I'd like to begin by apologising for the lack of content. I'd like to say I have a reasonable excuse, because I do. Though that depends on your definition of reasonable. I am lazy. Can't get more reasonable than that.
   Anyway, I'd like to begin by telling you a short story. Read carefully, there will be questions afterwards. And you aren't allowed to cheat, although, to be quite honest, the only punishment for cheating is guilt. And it's a well established fact that guilt causes globabl warming. So, if the penguins all spontaneously combust, you know who to blame. Unless they travel to your house before combusting. Then you can only blame yourself.
   Okay, so I'd like to begin with this story, which I mentioned in the beginning. Pixies* and I were walking. It was not a very interesting walk. It could have been interesting. But it wasn't. Nor was it so boring that I ripped my eye sockets out through my eyeballs. If it was that boring then it would have been interesting. Anywhale shark, as we walked this uninteresting walk, a thought struck me like a cat pounces on a charging bull. This thought was not elaborate, but nonetheless one of the most important questions that has ever manifested itself into my brain.

What would happen if I just turned to Pixies and inhaled him with my eyeballs?

I thought about this for no seconds before turning to the flan himself and asking him. He looked at me quizzically, as if he was giving it some thought, then in a puzzled tone said: "What!?"
   He then went on to say how he couldn't do much if he had been inhaled. I waited a moment before delivering my response, because it is a well established fact that the more irrelevant an answer is to the current situation, the more mysterious and deep you appear. After I had waited through three whole seconds, I turned back to flanman and said, "I think my eyes would hurt."

Anysponge, I'd like to begin by saying the cows make for good sponges, if you can get them into your sink and avoid electrocuting them.
   To begin with, I'd like to say that cheese and chocolate is very rich.
   As this is the beginning, I would like to begin by saying goodbye.

P.S. I have an experiment. Very few people will understand.

Q: What do you call Captain Heave Ho?
A: Ugly!
Highlight that to learn the truth. Buhbye now.