Rinrei's 'Deep' Thoughts

Skald read this earlier today and thought it was incredibly deep. I think it was just me arguing about my possible multiple personalities and how, if I got rid of these personalities, I would be a shell. I dunno, maybe it is deep and I'm just not thinking right.

My entire life I've been acting. I've been acting as someone that I'm not for so long that I have forgotten what my actual personality is. I tend to stick to two false personalities: the loud, irritating and angry teenager and the silent, hard-working student. If I were to strip myself of these two personalities, then I highly doubt I would have anything to act on and I would become nothing more than a shell.
   I first concluded that I needed my angry and loud personality at the young age of three when I realized that in a crowd I was anonymous; I did not exist. People often go about their lives under the illusion that they are the main character of their own show. But the world, cruel as it is, deprives you of that role, leaving you feeling hollow and empty, with only a sad bit of irony as memories of what you wanted to be.
   I decided that I did not want to be one of these people and I wanted my existance to be acknowledged; I wanted there to be evidence that I actually existed in this world. I, ironically, did this by making the worst possible personality I could so everyone would know I was there because I would be the most hated person around.
   As I moved further into my life, I realized that this personality would never get me on in life; I had to create another personality and keep the one I already had. I created a much more solemn and quiet person to work in classes, so I did not stick out as one of the loud people. This worked best for my school performance and my need to stand out. Surprisingly, being quiet in class makes you stand out more.
   Making friends is difficult for someone with two personalities. They expect you to act in a certain way and you try to stick with that personality so they remember you. Unfortunately, I became friends with all the people I know with my irritating personality, so they all expect me to act in that way. Sometimes I am tempted to take in my other personality to see what life would be like for me that way. People then presume that something is the matter with you since you are not acting like yourself.
   So I ask myself, do I even have a true self? Does anyone? We just act in certain ways so that we are remembered or forgotten by others. If we are put in a crowd, we all become a single unit where we all do what the strongest says; we become nothing more than puppets.
   So technically, personalities do not exist. Not for ourselves, at least. There are ways people view us and that is deemed our 'personality', aty least to them. For example, the views my teachers and my friends have of me are completely different because of my different personalities. I always make sure that the two never collide with each other within the same group of people, otherwise I fear that the image and reality I have built up will shatter within seconds.
   I try to live up to people's expectations, but sometimes they start to get used to this personality and mock it, feeling it is necessary to do so. I try to laugh it off, or my personality at the time tries to. But the deed has been done and the personality struggles to regain what it lost in those few moments, often struggling to go back to its early years of violence and hitting things with chairs, failing to satisfy its own expectations; finally cracking and disappearing from existence.
   Losing this personality is a small feat as, over the years, I seem to have gained many alter-egos for different situations; none of them seeming to be my true personality. Then again, since it has been so long since I've used my true personality, how do I know that my original personality isn't among all the egos I created?
   I guess that if I got rid of these alter egos, then I would be nothing more than an empty shell that reacts to nothing and just does as instructed. I don't really know what would happen, but I am already in the process of losing the personalities I built up for so long, with the first blow to my first personality already done and its grip on reality already slipping. Perhaps life would be better without this ridiculous persona, but I will never know until it's already gone.
   Perhaps I will practice without it tomorrow...

Signing off!
Rinrei

(There was some very creepy music playing in the background as I wrote this. I'm kinda creeped out.)