Comparing Authors With Animals

Well everyone else is doing it - why shouldn't I join them?

As the title of this post suggests, I'm going to compare the Kettle's overabundance of authors with different animals. Firstly, let us see to myself. Seeing as I'm first in everything anyway (including being condescending), I suppose it's only natural that I should make myself my own first victim.

Professor Pisces
Professor Pisces, the great leader of the Kettle. My intelligence is high, my ego levels are higher, and my hair projects outwards in all directions, when it's long enough. No animal, I think, can quite match these qualities, so I shall resort to the following attributes. However, intelligence is generally anthropomorphised by one particular creature. I'm also considered to be fairly wise (not my words - I'm not sure how they came to that conclusion). Huh. Mistake made there, I think...

 There's nothing for it but to make myself an Eastern Screech Owl. Well, let's face it: Intelligence and/or wisdom are generally percieved to be owlish qualities, and a group of owls is called a parliament - where I hope to be in fifteen years' time. And I like to argue, talk and blether, or 'screech', as some people would put it. Screech owls also look demented and mad - like me! And they have little tufty ears that project out the way like my hair. So here you go: A picture of myself. 

Yup. That is SO me.

According to alternative sources, I could be a European Robin, too. Apparently I'm 'very territorial', to quote a source. That source, needless to say, is wrong.

Next up is Rinrei, as she is the next most active author, besides myself.

Rinrei
"Difficult, difficult..." said the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter. But I am not the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter, so this is, therefore, easy.

Except it isn't. Let's list Rinrei's qualities. She is fairly defensive, easy to irritate and can deliver a stinging retort when necessary. She has personally threatened to kill me several times in the past for a variety of reasons. She's also generally quite. Hardworking, too. Therefore, she must be...A Leopard Seal.

Those teeth deliver a nasty bite, I'll bet. Not that I wish to find out...

Just so that you're aware, leopard seals live at the south pole and eat penguins. Not that Rinrei lives at the south pole or eats penguins, though I bet she likes the biscuits called 'Penguins'. (P-p-p... Pick up a PENGUIN!)

Alternatively, she could be a giraffe (although how, I don't know - that suggestion came from the same source as the 'very territorial' remark).

Next up, Bill.

Bill
An interesting creature, Bill has little hair upon his head and iks generally hard to irritate. (I know - I've tried.) He may hiss at you and strike at you, but he'll practically never bite. He's also a bit of a rarity and a bit boring at times, which makes him an Eastern Hognose Snake.


Interestingly flat... Much like conversation with Bill.

Alternatively, he could be a smelly mutt. That was Bill's own suggestion, but he said a dog was a bit boring. So I chose the above instead.

Next!

Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers
Well, apparently dear old Evil is dead, as she hasn't posted in a few months. This naturally leads us to assume that she has gone extinct.

Evil, when she was alive (the Lord rest her soul, assuming she had one) was a bit snappy and quite short. She didn't like people noticing this, so made up for it with rampant yelling and shouting quite loudly. She was also quite funny at times. Not that I have time for humour.

Her general snappiness and occasional violence earns her some merit. Place extinction at the top of that growing pile of attributes, and we end up with her being a Tasmanian Devil.


A wonderful show of the uvula, Taz.

Look who's next in line...

Matt
It's possibly reasonable to assume that dear Matt has also gone extinct, as we appear to have lost him. Matt, assuming he is still alive, is rather outlandish and is reasonably hilarious in his writing style. He eats too much planet material to be healthy for him and spends a lot of time lazing around. Therefore, I have two creatures for him. Firstly, assuming he is still alive and not dead or dying, we have the Hamster, which sleeps fourteen hours a day and is strictly vegetarian.

Uh-huh...

The second option assumes that Matt is indeed extinct. In this case, he's the humble Parasaurolophus. Take a look and see!


Dead for 65 million years. That is indeed Matt.

And, last but not least...

The Eternal Editor
Not much is known about The Eternal Editor and no-one much likes him, except perhaps for myself. That's because I know who he is and you don't. Therefore, I can safely say that the dear old Editor is a Star Nosed Mole. Well, it lives underground and doesn't surface all that often - it must be him.

There we are! Editor, it's you!

OK, folks, the fun's over. You can all go home now.

Antics over for the day, this is Professor Pisces, hiding away as the enraged authors try and find him... Little do they know that I'm an Eastern Screech Owl - I can fly away. Heheheh...