Something's Fishy - Why I (Now) Hate Puns

Today I reached page twenty in my Screnzy script. This means I've caught up with the week's demands, and I'm also a fifth of the way to making a hundred pages. To celebrate, I decided to take a little bit of time off from scriptwriting and indulge in a favourite pastime of mine - playing chess.

Playing chess is not something I necessarily take lightly. Chess, in my eyes, is not just a game, but an art. Therefore you sort of need the right conditions for it. In this case, the variable was the opponent. And, seeing as I'm no big fan of online chess, I decided to call upon good old Skald. Also a fan of chess, he suggested we meet and play. Naturally, I accepted.

Ten minutes later, we're enjoying a well matched game of chess in which Skald shouts a lot and I try to use my Jedi mind tricks on them. After two games, it's one all. At this point we are joined by the one known as 'Bats'. Can you tell she's into those little flying mice in a big way?

So anyway, she walks in. We decide that there's only one thing for it: All-out war. Cue: Three-way chess.


A three-way chessboard. Trust me, it really is as mucked-up as it looks.

With Skald as red, Bats as black and myself as white, we set about creating well-meant mischief with pawns and queens. That is, for about three moves. Then began the REAL war. The War of the Fish Puns.

I'm not even really sure how it started. We must have been discussing the various merits of fish, or the industry thereof, but it began anyway. All it took was a single move to push it over the edge, and it just had to be Bats who made said move.

"I'll move my horse," she said. Still on the topic of fish, I decided to be my usual self - funny, charismatic, etcetera, etcetera. In this case it was to be my ultimate downfall.

"Seahorse," I suggested. Skald groaned. And so began the fish-pun war.

It began with 'seahorse', but it quickly escalated to such things as: "You've got no SOLE", "That's a red HERRING", and the quite frankly unforgiveable "I'll knock you off your PERCH". And that's just the ones that stick in my head! "That success was simply a FLUKE" also featured. Who knew chess could get so painful?

In a moment of dire error, I was checkmated by a combination of Bats and Skald, both making puns as it happened. As it was, I conceded to checkmate graciously by half-swearing with "Carp!". Then  Bats soured the moment with "That's tipped the SCALES in my favour". The immediate thought was: Ooh, that's not good.

"Ha! I'll skewer you have my sword (fish)," parried Skald. I decided to chip in, or, as was the case then, fish 'n' chip in.

"I'll beat your sword (fish) with my RAY gun. And the best part is, they're in the same family," I chuckled. And that was when it hit us. We had run out of fish.

Several uncomfortable moments passed while we all tried to think of fish to defile with puns. Such it was that Skald decided that all marine life was available for weaponisation: "You know, I hope the government's not listening in on this. They might think we're smoking weed. SEAWEED."

I slapped my hand to my forehead and squeaked: "We need KELP."

And then, partly thankfully, it was time to leave. I left with Skald about to boot up the computer in search of fish to pun-inise and hurried away as fast as was polite when folk are watching you go. So it was that, an uneventful journey later, I arrived back home. When asked how my day was, I couldn't help myself. I answered with: "I had a WHALE of a time."

As I ate my dinner that evening, I almost suffered a mental breakdown. Halfway through the meal, I realised what I was eating: Cod. How COD they do such a thing?

Writing from a mental institution,
   Professor Pisces