An Unusual Review

Well, I'm pretty bored, and seeing as I've just come from having a cold glass of my favourite drink (Irn Bru, doncha know), I thought it would be a good idea to write a post. Therefore, I present to you...

Comparing Ginger Beer

with Professor Pisces

See, I told you I was bored.

It's a well known fact that ginger beer is the best, but only when it's non-alcoholic, because I just don't do alcohol. I refuse to ingest fermented sugar that will turn into formaldehyde during the digestive process.

Now, if you don't actually know what ginger beer is, then that's cool, because neither do I. However, seeing as Wikipedia is only one click away, I'll simply read that through and come back appearing knowledgeable in the area of ginger beer. Not that it actually tells me what I want to know...

Ginger beer has a long history of being drinkable. The type that I like, and therefore the type that really matters here, is the 'soft drink' variety. Originally, ginger beer would be brewed and have a high alcohol content, but the soft drink version is instead carbonated. This means it might rot my teeth, but I'm sure my teeth won't really mind. The mix is flavoured with extract of ginger root (like the spice) and sugars/sweeteners. The result is a fizzy drink that looks like cloudy water and tastes like ginger and sugar dissolved together. Which is great, because that's essentially what it is! If you've never consumed raw ground ginger before, then first, go and do that. Then I'll tell you that if you've ever had gingerbread, then you can think of ginger beer as a sort of fizzy, liquefied gingerbread man. It's slightly fiery and leaves a tingle on the tongue.

So, moving on from that, I'd like to usher you into the main review. Below, we should have three types of non-alcoholic ginger beer - Bundaberg, Old Jamaica and Barr Ginger Beer. I shall examine each and deliver a verdict - for I have tasted them all on consecutive days this very week.

Here goes not very much!

Bundaberg Ginger Beer

This variety of beverage is very nice indeed. Cloudy but not opaque, it doesn't contain as much sweetener as some brands. It doesn't have to be very fizzy - indeed, it is not even as fizzy as coke - as the ginger in it leaves a pleasant but not strong taste of ginger in the mouth.

Unfortunately, though, there is a problem with it. Namely that you must read the instructions on the cap before being able to open the thing. The cap consists of a ring attatched by a tag to the cap, which seems to be a foil-over-plastic thing welded to the glass. My objection here is not that the bottle is impossible to open, but that you must read instructions to do so. It is not a good sign when instructions are needed to be able to drink a beverage - instructions are too much for the average drunkard.

Therefore, this drink is delicious, but it loses all previously gained points due to the cap. Pedantic, I know, but I have to make this post longer somehow.

Bundaberg gets a zero out of nine out of ten. (0/9/10).

Old Jamaica Ginger Beer

Next on the list - Old Jamaica Ginger Beer!

Now this brand is certainly worth a shot. It is definitely sweeter than the Bundaberg, and more cloudy as well - I say that sweeteners are the cause of this. It also has a definably earthy taste - probably the type of ginger at work here. It's certainly an interesting mix. However, it is quite harsh on the back of the throat if you aren't used to it, as I was amused to find out when a family member grabbed it and took a swig, thinking it to be barley water. That was very funny. My shirt is still in the wash after that incident. Be warned: It isn't called 'fiery' for no reason.

Now I'm on my way to giving this a five out of ten for taste, but then I see the word 'Jamaica' on the bottle. This means I must automatically add a million stars to whatever rating I decide to give it.

Old Jamaica Ginger Beer gets one million and five out of ten (1,000,005/10).

Barr Ginger Beer

The final beverage on the list of candidates, Barr Ginger Beer is cloudier than Bundaverg, but not as cloudy as Old Jamaica. As such, it is between the other two in terms of sweetness. It's certainly the fizziest of the three. It produces the most bubbles, you see.

The taste is slightly overloaded with sweeteners, but the effect is cancelled out by the normal, tongue-warming effect of the spicy ginger. It doesn't seem to have any extra flavour added to it - an abscence of earthiness is quite welcome, as it doesn't taste like you're drink ginger beer strained through soil.

Barr is the company that makes Irn Bru, therefore I am inclined to give this an extra fifty three points. That brings Barr Ginger Beer's points to sixty out of ten (60/10).

*          *          *

I must now, rather sadly, bring this review to a close with a final note and a sort of prize giving ceremony.

At the top of the leaderboard is Old Jamaica, with a million and five points for having the word 'Jamaica' in the title. Secong is the Barr variety with sixty points, a bonus fifty three securing its place. Last but in no means least is Bundaberg, with zero of nine of ten.

Which means, quite obviously, that Bundaberg wins! well done, Bundaberg - you are my favourite non-alcoholic ginger beer. Oh, did I not say? The lowest number of points wins.

I did say I was bored, people. Never underestimate a bored person. There's no telling what they will do...