Merlin - His Father's Son - An Episode Review

So, we're now five episodes into the current series of Merlin. This week, Arthur has to face up to a vengeful queen, aided by the witch Morgana.

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When Arthur captures and kills a king after he refuses to sign a treaty, the grieving queen swears vengeance upon Arthur Pendragon. She employs the witch Morgana to help her win the coming war, but Arthur wants to find another solution. He challenges her to single combat. each side will choose a champion to fight. The stakes? Half of Camelot free of charge if the opposition wins, and the agressors leave peacefully and hand back Camelot's land to Arthur if his side wins. But with Morgana working against them too, can the young king, secretly aided by Merlin, prevail and win the day?

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This story is a fairly good one, though not as good as last week's 'Aithusa'. Again, we see Morgana getting mixed in with who are supposedly the villains. To be honest, I've seen enough of Morgana for the next few episodes. We see too much of her for too brief a time each episode. It annoys me a bit.

Anyhow. The story.

The idea of a greiving queen making a fairly emotional decision to make war upon Camelot (or rather advance it further) is a good one - one that seems fairly plausible.

Again we see Agravaine not-so-subtly influencing Arthur. It's getting to me that Arthur doesn't see that he's using his position to promote his own views. How he doesn't see that his uncle isn't all that he seems and that he has his own agenda defeats me. After all, when Agravaine practically orders him to deliver an ultimatum to the captured king, Arthur doesn't so much as ask why, he just goes along with it, has a scroll written out for him and hands it over. Then he kills the guy. Honestly though, such mind-numbing ignorance is thoroughly depressing. What do the BBC think we can swallow?

We also don't get enough of Merlin himself. There aren't many scenes with him in it properly as such, more as a sort of background character who occasionally proves useful. Degrading a core character, in fact THE main character, to a side-show just isn't on. It's about Merlin and Arthur, not Arthur and Merlin, for The Great Dragon's sake. If it's about Merlin then have more Merlin! You make a salty food with a hint of spice, you add salt and little spice, not lots of spice and little salt. Idiots.

However, we do get a pretty cool battle scene at the end, in which Merlin plays a rather minor role which, needless to say, goes further to annoy me. But that's it.

But I like the ending. What with the queen giving her speech of honour sort of thing to Arthur, she comes across as kind of hopeful, grieving still, but content. She sort of seems to see goodness in Arthur. Then again, he is destined to be the greatest king of all, so he would be kind of like that.

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I'll give this episode a six out of ten. Not enough Merlin, but let's be frank, some series are like that: They generally focus on one person throughout, but go out of there way to make other slightly more minor characters more exciting and have a depth to them that you didn't see before. Then there's the slight lack of magic here. There's a curse and some countering. That's it. Bah!

The story was a nice thing though. It left me smiling simply because of the end five minutes, which ended it really well. Which I think will make me raise the episode's rating to six and a half.

See this episode of Merlin here! http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b016x0qh/Merlin_Series_4_His_Fathers_Son/

Why You Should Never Accept Advice

So there's literally no time until NaNoWriMo begins, and I'm beginning to sweat it. There is just enough time for last minute planning and research, but I've got other things to do too. The beauty of NaNoWriMo is that you don't have all the time in the world to complete it. Except I do, if I want it, because I have a time machine. But I choose not to use it, because it's (a) very dangerous (b) removes the fun from everything and (c) it may have just short circuited and burnt away some of my hair.

Anyway, this week I decided to get into the spirit of things and follow some NaNoWriMo advice: Tell everyone what you're doing, because it'll make you feel more accountable and let others know what's going on.

I was fool enough to follow this advice. Needless to say, it's probably the way I interpreted it, but oh well. It was Chris Baty who wrote the advice! Attack him!

So I spent the majority of my time conversing with folk telling them about my story, what it was for and just how brilliant it was to be taking part. Then I made the mistake of telling certain friends.

After detailing the plot line to them, they immediately asked me to incorporate them into my story. Since I don't really like one of them, I decided on the spot to have him as a poor little soldier boy who gets completely owned in every way by a big, muscled guy with a small army's worth of weapons on him. The other got turned into a scared, petite woman who performed a very, very painful, involountary and basically cruel surgery. Then more people arrived, and I closed my borders.

That hasn't been my only problem. On Wednesday of last week (not this week, I'd have to have a time machine to be able to do that - or rather, a working specimen of one) I told my guitar teacher, who we shall now refer to as M, my whole plotline. She was almost violently sick and started laughing in a nervous, jittery kind of way. Then she asked me to never get into government. Pff.

So I think I haven't actually made anything better by following Chris Baty's advice. All I've done is scare some folk and bring a horde of I-want-a-part-in-your-novel people down on myself. So now I'm annoyed with NaNoWriMo for granting me bad advice.

Ah, NaNoWrimo. You never know when it's going to be one of those days when it turns around and eats you, or if it's going to be one of those days when it simply eats anyone around you.

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Look out for my novel! I'll be starting it tomorrow, but bear in mind that this is my first NaNo. Nobody email me asking to be a part of it, or I'll include you as some sort of low life form, like a dromedary camel or something similarly smelly.

I leave you all to your lives. Until later. If I never return (which isn't going to happen), just remember that I was just one of many victims of NaNoWriMo.

Death in Paradise, Episode One - An Episode Review

Well, The Fades finished last week, leaving me nothing with which to watch in my spare time. So I picked up the TV guide, flicked over to this week and spotted the new series 'Death in Paradise'. After reading the brief description given, I decided that it may be worth a watch.

The program is a crime drama about a police officer, Detective Inspector Richard Poole (Ben Miller), who is sent to a small island in the Carribean to handle a murder case. As an Englishman, he refuses to take off his coat or wear anything remotely suitable for the tropical climate, so he's rather uncomfortable. But anyway, here's the plot synopsis.

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The Chief of the local police force is found murdered in a locked panic room inside a rich man's home. DI Richard Poole is called in from London to aid the investigation into his death. However, nothing is as it seems in this case - particularly the murder.

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A very, very interesting idea, in my opinion. Dead man in a locked panic room. The panic room can only be closed from inside. How does the killer kill the man and then close the panic room door without getting locked inside themselves?

This is the question which makes the case a difficult one to close for DI Poole, played by Ben Miller, one of the greatest comedians of our time. His skill with sarcasm is rivalled only by the likes of John Cleese, my favourite of all comedians for his series 'Fawlty Towers'.

DI Poole is on loan from the Met in London to the tiny island of San Marie, where, surprsie surprise, someone got murdered. This person just happens to have been the chief of the local police force. They're a very small police foce, literally having four members including the chief (Charlie) before the time of his murder. As far as their vehicle force goes, they have a sturdy all-terrain police rover and a motorbike with a sidecar (pictured above with one of the San Marie police force members).

Unfortunately, DI Poole has not been sent because of his skill at handling cases. According to the records, the office members threw a party for him when he left - "Popular guy, then," says a policeman - but only after he had left. I think that says all there is to be said.

Then there's the mysterious woman who keeps cropping up wherever DI Poole goes. She pretends to be a cleaner at Poole's place after being at the party on the night of the murder, and then has to get chased around at several other times. I'm not even going to say if you find out who she is in this episode. That's for me to know and you to find out.

Lucky for us, when faced with a crime scene and a baffling murder, he does manage to solve the case (Well, duh. It wouldn't be much of a crime drama if the criminal wasn't caught in the end, would it?). He does so in a pretty clever way, too, though most of it was based on speculation and sealed with a confession and some tads of other evidence.

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Of course, I shall, as always, end this off with a rating and a parting note. I very much enjoyed this story, and am looking forwards to seeing the rest of the series. Lucky for me, it's an eight-part series, so lucky me, I'm set until Christmas.

I thought the acting cast was brilliant, particularly in casting Ben Miller as the Detective Inspector. He makes a brill copper, and has ample opportunity to excercise his sarcastic muscles and employ his arsenal of witty remarks and bored-looking expressions.

As well as all this, the crime was a good one. It got me going, for sure. It was also easy enough to follow Poole's reasoning, to a point, though it did get a little hazy after a bit, particularly when it came to things picked up when Poole talked with the culprit.

However, possibly the best thing is that it's a stand-alone episode. You could watch it and never see the rest, and sure, you'd be left not knowing how things end up with certain loose ends, but it wouldn't be anything that you would fret about too much. respectively, if you turned on the TV and just decided to watch, say, the fourth episode, you'd probably manage to work out what had been going on so far. Not that I've seen the fourth episode. This is all just speculation, for the sake of argument.

I am going to give this a seven and three quarters of ten on my scale. It had a good crime at the heart of it, a set of convincing characters (for the most part), a fair amount of plausible reasoning, and of course the cast was great.

So what are you waiting for? Look it up on YouTube or follow the link to iPlayer, if you live in Britain:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b016mw99/Death_in_Paradise_Episode_1/

I'll be back next week with a review for the next episode. That is, unless NaNoWriMo eats me.

The Fades, Episode Six - An Episode Review

The final episode of The Fades aired this week. Therefore, this chain of reviews is ending. But not quite yet.

Paul's been resurrected. He has gained awesomely cool powers. Neil has kidnapped Mac. He has not gained awesomely cool powers. Everyone else has left town, except Paul's family and Mac's Dad, who is searching for his son.

John, the leader of The Fades, has a bone to pick with Paul. Paul killed his love, Natalie, and he wants revenge. He sends out the troops to bring him in, all the while preparing for their final encounter.

Meanwhile, Paul discovers that he could reopen Ascension. However, he can't reopen the Ascension Point in the woods, so must find another way.

Neil, frustrated by not being able to get through to Paul (his phone is off), kidnaps the rest of his family as added insurance. Naturally, this catches Paul's attention. From there, Neil tries to dictate Paul's actions, attempting to get him to destroy John and the rest of the Fades.

Things are getting to breaking point. Who will survive, and who will die? Because Paul's time is ticking away.

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I always dread the end of a series. Yes, it's usually great fun, tense, awesome, etc, etc. But they spoil it sometimes by making it too tense, by removing the soul of the thing sometimes. This, I suppose, is that which I hate about dark, unhappy endings.

I can honestly say that this episode was shocking in many ways. There's a very, very surprising death, a very unsurprising death in a good way, a prophecy fulfilled and an explosive ending.Now that's all very well and good, but there are other things that add up to make a good, watchable TV program. Elements of comedy, love, and other stuff like that really add to a program.

Unfortuantely, this episode had neither comedy (mostly) nor any tender love as such. The closest we get to that is a scene in which two folk are locked inside a shipping crate. As far as comedy goes, Mac's up to his usual tricks, but nothing more. What we do get is little enough.

It was the soul-destroying second half that really got me. After a rather unexpected and shocking death, Paul is a bit broken and allows himself to be influenced by Neil, who is no longer very nice. There's also the impending hour of Paul's death among the ashes of a world with something blazing behind him.

So the prohecy that Paul is given is that he shall be killed by John in the ashes of the world, or at least that's how he sees it. The reality is a bit different, but not much different. But you'll see about that if you see the thing.

The end is kind of depressing. After Paul wins the day (supposedly), there's no rejoicing. After all, Paul has just suffered a huge loss. When Mac and another (no, I'm not saying who) arrive on the scene and are all happy, Neil is collapsed in a gutter, which I was kind of pleased to see. He had it coming after all he did. But then he starts gabbling about having told Paul not to mess with Ascension. Turns out that it was the only thing that he was right about.

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So a pretty great series is over. Unfortunately, this episode isn't the best. The Fades' deaths are pretty ace, but the violence is a bit savage and all the scenes seem to have something threatening or dire about them, which I'm sure is intended, but lessens the overall enjoyment of the thing.

I'll give this episode a six of ten. It's great, it really is, but I didn't really enjoy it. The shocking death to which I refered earlier really put a damper on things, and the violence was a bit intense. Also, Paul finally using his wings sort of brought up the 'Huh?' feeling until I remembered where he'd gotten them from. The very last to minutes are a bit sad - no happy ending for Paul.

All in all, too tense and too dark.

Here's the link to the iPlayer vid: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b016dkxj/The_Fades_Episode_6/

Sayings of the Week - Sleep

Because I'm sleepy and need reminding of what sleep actually is at certain times, this week it's all about getting the forty winks we need.

1. Sleep is death without the long-term commitment.

2. Early to bed and early to rise, and you meet very few prominent people.

3. A gentleman is someone who never wakes up on the same day he went to sleep on.

iPods Falling From the Sky - Oh My Gosh!

Isn't it interesting when you're just walking along the street and something drops out of the sky and lands in front of you? It's like God is giving you a present. Unfortunately, when an eagle tries the same thing, it ends up killing someone with a tortoise.

Anyway, I experienced such a moment today, when I was walking along with matt and Evil and a light blue iPod Nano dropped to the ground. My immediate thought was - "iPods falling from the sky - oh my gosh!"

Of course, the minute I said this, Evil and Matt both looked at the iPod lying on the wet ground, then at the clouded, rain-filled sky and then down at the iPod again. After a second, Matt creased his eyebrows and tapped Ms Cliffhangers on the shoulder. Once her attention had been gained, he simply said: "Cliffhangers, isn't that your iPod?"

So the mood was spoilt. Evil grabbed the iPod before the light drizzle could get to it and shoved it in her coat pocket. So the moment ended.

Still, it got me thinking. What if things actually did fall from the sky every so often? I mean, I know that certain stuff does that, like rain and hail and snow and other variants of precipitation, but what if useful stuff fell from the sky? Don't say meteors or satellites. They aren't useful to us mortals. I mean stuff like, I don't know, diamonds and iPods and cool stuff. Don't say aliens. They don't exist until observed. Subtle Quantum Theory reference there, people.

If any of you watched the recent series of The Sarah Jane Adventures, a spin-off of Doctor Who, then you would know that fish are said to fall from the sky at times. The cause is said to be freak weather systems, although all this was said on a kid's TV programme, so I wouldn't bet money on its accuracy. (Before you ask, I was watching it because I am a diehard fan of Doctor Who and therefore its spin-off series, which mean Torchwood and the SJA.)

But wouldn't it be great if it rained cats and dogs sometimes? I mean yeah, it would be a bit dangerous and cat- and dog-blood would suddenly cover your car, but it would be a novelty.

So maybe random things falling from the sky isn't all that great an idea. Animal slaughter on a hideously large scale wouldn't be that great. But it would be nice if, every once in a while, something remotely cool (no, NOT asteroids!) fell from the sky and into our laps. I'm actually not sure what my point is, other than that iPods raining from the sky would make Apple go broke and possibly destroy the environment a bit faster.

I have now run out of steam and shall retreat to my paradox-sustaining time machine to converse with myself. I leave you in peace. For now.

NaNoWriMo - Coming to a Town Near You!

Well, I must say that it's an exciting time of the year. Halloween is literally a week away, Christmas is coming up and the snow is on it's way. But that's not all that's going to be happening in the next little while.

In exactly a week from now, the most intense writing challenge to grace my attention EVER starts up. It is a myth among masters, a legend among the literately talented... and possibly the most ruinous thing that I will ever partake in.

I am talking about NaNoWriMo, the most insane idea ever thought of in the writing world. The idea is simple: Write a fifty thousand (50,000) word novel in 30 days, ie in the month of November. However, as NaNoWriMo veterans will tell you, it's not that easy.

With a little bit of application of mathematics, I have realised that you would need to write at least 1,667 words EVERY DAY on average if you wished to complete NaNoWriMo without cheating. This is a phenomenal amount, especially for those who find it difficult to apply themselves.

In a fit of insanity, I signed myself up for NaNoWriMo today. After the infamous Skald of Skald's Tavern (See 'Sites to See') let me in on the concept and gave me the web address, I immediately set off to apply. Now I'm worried that I've just made the greatest mistake of my writing life.

It's not the fifty thousand words that bothers me so much as the timescale and the sheer amount of stuff to write. By my estimation, it'll take around two hours every day to get all that I want done done, if that makes sense. Then there are the weekends, which will be filled with writing non-stop. I'll break for meals and stuff, but past that it'll be hands-to-the-keyboard speed-typing. Weekends are difficult, as I want to use them for sleeping in, but can't as I'll be wasting precious time if I do. So I'll miss out on sleep, which constitutes a fair amount of my R&R time.

In short, I'll become a crazed, story-writing recluse for a whole month who also happens to be an weird guy who sets his alarm for seven in the morning on weekends. In other words, a slightly distorted version of myself.

With seven days to go until this change must take place, I am preparing myself for the arduous and dangerous challenge that I have just been handed. I'm frantically brainstorming ideas, searching for characters (and their respective names) as well as a good world in which to set my novel. The thing I'm most worried about is that my chosen plot won't tide me over. If it doesn't, then I fail my first year of Nano, as writers affectionately call it. But if I manage it, then I'll have a morale boost and a whole truckload of experience under my belt to boot. So despite just having signed my own death warrant as I'm sure I have, I may just have a glimmer of hope.

I have a week until the most frantic month of my life begins. Wish me luck!

If you want to find out more about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) then follow this link to the Nano website.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

If you're fool enough to pick up the gauntlet and need a friend, search me up. My username is Timothy Turpin.

Looking forwards to you all joining me!
   This is a mad Professor signing out.

Merlin - Aithusa - An Episode Review

Merlin continues to recover its former atmosphere after a very dark beginning to the series resulting in Lancelot's departure and Uther's death. This time round, we're getting a spot of good news!

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Gaius gets a visit from an old pupil in the middle of the night, Julius Borden. Borden is searching for the third part of a Triskellion, an ancient key. The key is rumoured to open a tomb that has been left unopened for four hundred years - a tomb that contains the last dragon egg. When Arthur hears of this, he sets out immediately to destroy the egg. After consulting with the Great Dragon, Merlin vows to save the egg - but can he live up to his promise?

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It's good to see a storyline that doesn't revolve around the evil witch Morgana for once. Morgana is completely out of the picture, this time focusing on restoring the former glory of the dragons. With a suitably selfish and evil villain to chase after, Arthur and the Knights of Camelot, set out to destroy the egg. However, Merlin does not want to destroy the egg but rescue it instead. Finally, we see some nobility returning to the show. Another plus is that, for once, almost all the scenes are shot in broad daylight! You can't tell me that this is a dark episode now.

The thing I really liked about this episode is the ending. But I can't say anything about that, otherwise I'd have to kill you. Other things I enjoyed was the sheer magic of it (and not evil magic either - yes!), the scenery used (just brilliant, suits the episode perfectly) and the various dangers encountered by Merlin and his friends. Merlin himself has ample opportunity to make use of his special skills, as you shall see if you actually watch the thing.

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All in all, I'll give it a seven and a half out of ten. It's got the action, it's got the peril, it's got a definite absence of the Lady Morgana and lots of opportunities for Merlin to use his awesome powers! However, it is lacking in the funnies department. In a perfect Merlin episode there should be a balance of magic, action, good old-fashioned villainy and a bit of humour thrown in there too. This one's lacking in the humour department, but delivers the goods elsewhere.

If you live in Britain, then you can watch then Merlin episode 'Aithusa' at the following address: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b016dnyh/Merlin_Series_4_Aithusa/

Next week, I'll be back with more news of Merlin and another review. Until then, that's this review over.

The Three Musketeers - A Film Review

I'm always on the lookout for a good, fun film. Today, I spotted that the most recent incarnation of Alexandre Dumas's famous masterpiece 'The Three Musketeers' was out in the cinemas, so I put on my coat, fired up the teleport pad and made my way to the cinema complex.

The film follows a young man, D'Artagnan, who leaves his home in the hope of becoming one of the famous Musketeers like his father. Little does he realise that they are not as glorious as they seem. Athos, Porthos and Aramis are purposeless drunks with some serious skill with a sword. However, after a fight with the Cardinal's guards, D'Artagnan gains their trust and sets out to stop the Cardinal's plot to take power.

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I must now make a confession. I have never read Alexandre Dumas's 'The Three Musketeers'. I know, this is possibly not the crime of the century, but it matters to me. I make an appointment to read the book before seeing the film if at all possible. This does not mean I go around reading the pitiful advertising schemes known as 'movie novels'. I am aware that several of my readers may in fact enjoy movie novels, but to me they are a waste of precious space in bookshops and on bookshelves. But back to the script.

I haven't read the book that the film is (loosely) based on. However, from what I am told, I'm not missing much in way of understanding the plot. It's not that the book isn't supposed to be good, it's just that it doesn't bear much resemblance to the film. I am informed that there are no 'air ships' in the original book. Read the book and see the film and you'll understand.

So the film is only loosely based on the book, retaining some characters and the basic idea of the whole thing: Three Musketeers, out to save France from the evil folk, blah blah blah. The typical hero set-up. However, this is no ordinary sword-fighting film. This is a brilliant film.

I must say, I entered the cinema slightly skeptical. I had seen the trailers and had been thinking ever since 'Surely it's not as action-packed as it's made out to be!'. After all, there is nothing more annoying in the world of cinematography than a trailer that contains all the good bits. I worried in vain.

The film is, as promised, action-packed and filled to bursting point with swordfights, ship-to-ship combat and the occasional gunfight, with scenes of mild romance in between. On top of this, there are myriad traps dotted around of devious cunning and cleverness hidden in the most obviously unlikely places, for example a long corridor with lion's heads jutting out from the walls at regular intervals. Through these aspects of the film together, stuff them in a blender and turn it on for two hours and what do you get...?

A good film. It's not suspenseful as such, although there are scenes of mild peril in which the characters are plonked in front of two dozen heavily-armed men and are expected to get out alive, but those of us who watch movies know that the smaller group of people always win. Then there are the scenes of mild romance in which the dashing hero gets the girl of his dreams, which no film set in the past with swords, cannons and pistols can do without.. There is, however, something missing. Comedy.

"But wait! We have a lovely, bubbly, slightly overweight James Corden here! If we chuck him into various scenes, then everything will be absolutely fine," cry the producers. To my eternal surprise, it works like a dream.

The element of comedy found in James Corden's brilliant acting and natural comedic talent is just the thing to balance the movie out and round off the rough edges. Such scenes as when a toilet bucket is emptied over the Captain of the Guard's right-hand man are made to be acted by such men as James Corden. The best thing about having him there is that he's not just thrown into the story for the sake of it. His character actually does play a role, albeit a fairly small one.

Another thing that merits a mention is the quality of the costumes used. Each and every one of them is fantastically put together in a way that makes you think 'This is how they would have dressed!', unlike in the fairly recent 'Clash of the Titans', where the Greek Gods looked like they had stuck sequins to themselves, added too much glitter and then draped tinsel about their person.

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So now onto the ratings. I shall be giving this film a great big nine out of ten, a very high score coming from me. It has fantastic action without edge-of-your-seat suspense, which makes the film more enjoyable, coupled with hints of romance and an element of comedy. Despite being violent, it avoids containing more than a few drops of blood, which is surprising seeing as to the number of shards of shrapnel flying this way and that. It probably doesn't bear too much resemblance to the book, but I wouldn't know; I haven't read it. Appearances from well-known actors including Orlando Bloom and James Corden add to the fun, and authentic-looking costumes and high-quality yet obviously unreal special effects draw the viewer in. All in all, highly enjoyable, and I would gladly give and receive such a movie to friends who like this sort of thing. I'll be looking out for the sequel!

The Fades, Episode Five - An Episode Review

The penultimate episode of this story, and boy does it deliver. This time we see the 'missing persons' situation as it really is: huge, and growing. The police are struggling to cope, so open a missing persons centre in the school that Paul attends.

Unfortunately, the Fades are smart, or at least Mr Psycho Fade John is. He and his girlfriend Natalie are targeting the school and using their positions as 'volounteers' to harvest the living to bring back the dead.

Of course Paul, Mac, Paul's sister Anna, Paul's girlfriend Jay and Paul's Mum just have to go along and see if they can help out, which predictably ends up in someone being captured by hungry zombie people and lots of daring deeds of derring-do on Paul's behalf. Typical.

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This is the best episode so far. Very tense throughout, there isn't a moment where it's relaxed. Mac is being his usual self and spouting rubbish about Star Wars and The Matrix Trilogy, but that doesn't even take the edge off the atmosphere. We get to see more of Paul's sister Anna and less of practically everyone else but Paul. To my amazement, Paul is still wearing the same horrible clothes after five weeks. Yuk.

Over the past two weeks, I've seen a definite change in Neil, the most prominent of the Angelics. Unfortunately, this change is not a good change. Neil now seems intent on destroying the Fades completely, i.e. wiping them from existence. Paul doesn't hold with this.

Back to Paul now. He spends most of the episode prancing about trying to tell his family just what the hell is going on, with limited success. By limited success, I mean that he manages to freak out his mother and sister and convince Mac that zombies are real. The problem for me is not this prancing about, but that the prancing mainly consists of hiding. What I want to say to Paul is: "You've returned from the dead! You're an Angelic, gifted with amazing powers! Use them, for Pete's sake!"
Luckily for us, he does. But it's a little bit late for some people.

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I shall give this episode an eight 'n' a quarter out of ten. The action is good, with some pretty nicely done fight scenes, and the atmosphere is fantastic. By far the best thing about this episode is the setting: Using a school building as a killing ground is definitely a good idea. Sufficiently chilling to be scary, possibly even terrifying, without being totally out-there-among-the-stars sort of weird. It's not laughable at any point, unless you are a sadistic pyschopath who enjoys seeing people clobbered to death with a two-by-four.

Here's the iPlayer link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01630j7/The_Fades_Episode_5/

Watch out for the boiler room...

Sayings of the Week - Pessimism

Sayings of the Week is back with your weekly trio of quotes, quips and sayings. This time, we're looking at the glass as half empty. Ladies and gentlemen, pessimism is this week's theme.

1. The optimist is wrong just as often as the pessimist, he's just a lot happier.

2. A pessimist will always try to prove to his friend that a buttered piece of toast will always land butter-side down. When it doesn't, he simply turns to the friend and says, "You see that? I buttered the wrong side."

3. There is no such thing as a pessimist person, only a realistic one.

Merlin - The Wicked Day - An Epsiode Review

Well, I can honestly say that I'm a bit relieved to see Merlin returning to its usual cheerful state this week, despite it being a rather dark episode on the whole. This week we see Arthur celebrating his birthday!

Of course, Merlin has matured as a series recently, and no longer holds with being just a fun program to watch on Saturday evenings. Naturally, there must be an assassin hidden among the performers that have come to entertain the kingdom, and naturally something will go terribly wrong.

When Uther is injured, Arthur resolves to turn to magic for help. Merlin points him towards an old shack in the woods and magically ages a hundred years to become Dragoon the Great. From there, things get progressively funnier.

*            *            *

You heard me right. Dragoon the Great has returned! I have to admit that Dragoon the Great, ie Merlin in disguise as an old man, was one of my favourite characters in the original series. I believe he appeared in the first series when Gwen was to be burnt at the stake, but I may be wrong.

As Dragoon the Great, Merlin can finally get his back on a rather bewildered Arthur, who must suddenly obey this grumpy old man's every whim. Giving Merlin a piggyback ride was by far the best thing about this episode, at least for me. I laughed most deeply at the sight of this.

Unfortunately, the whole episode takes a rather unwelcome turn of events when evil witch Morgana interferes. This for me isn't the best thing ever to happen on TV, because I was enjoying the rest of it so much.

*            *            *

I fear I must draw this review to a swift close, as I am short on time. Stories to write, programmes to watch, etc etc.

I shall give this episode a six and three quarters out of ten. It was sufficiently funny to return the light, merry air to Merlin in the first half, and the addition of including a fairly insignificant one-time enemy invented for a single purpose really brings home the original Merlin. However, the darkness brought in by Morgana's interference ruins the whole set-up. It doesn't so much balance it out as completely crush the scales upon which both sides are being made and catapult the lightness, merriness and funniness out the window and into the throat of a passing old woman named Gladis. Apologies to all Gladis-named people out there.

So, in short, it begins light and merry with a good fun enemy with obvious evilness and ill intentions, but gets progressively darker from there until it's as if you're wearing a blindfold. A good episode, but a balance must be struck.

I include the iPlayer link here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01692qr/Merlin_Series_4_The_Wicked_Day/

Giblets

Yes, I'm lazy. What of it?

Anywhale, goodbye.




I lied. It was a joke. Hahahaha.

No but really, I'm tired. Goodbye.

The Fades, Episode Four - An Episode Review

Sorry for this being so late, but holidays happen. Deal with it.

So, The Fades returns for its fourth episode. I have to say, this episode is my favourite of the series so far. It's just plain awesome!

*            *            *

In the aftermath of Paul's accident, his mother, twin sister and best friend Mac are gathered around a hospital bed containing his body. Meanwhile, a very confused Paul is wandering around trying to figure out what's just happened to him.

Turns out that he's become a Fade himself.

Needless to say, Neil and the other Angelics are suitably horrified at this turn of events, but they have other fish to fry. They have captured a 'smaller and weaker' Fade in an attempt to find out how strong they are.

As this is going on, our good friend Mister Psycho Zombie Fade has metamorphosed into something completely new. Now he is no longer Mister Psycho Zombie Fade, just Mister Psycho Fade. Scrub out the 'Zombie' bit. He's become flesh.

It soon becomes clear to Paul, in his Fade-adised state that Mister Psycho Fade, aka John, isn't as bad as he seems. At the same time, the Angelics are suddenly cast into shadow, no longer seeming like they're the good guys in the war.

As things escalate, Neil must make a terrible choice, and Paul must make his, too. As the line between good and bad thins and fades, can Paul make the right choice before he passes on?

*            *            *

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: This episode is possibly the best in the series so far. Why? One word: Atmosphere.

The atmosphere in this episode is so tense that the TV screen seems to be radiating static electricity, which it probably is anyway, but what the hell. The reason for this is that you have no idea where it's going. This is due to the fact that the writers and producers have already made it quite clear that they're willing to kill off anyone they think needs to go, as long as the story is made better. Which means that Paul isn't safe.

Actually, having Paul dead is in many ways the best idea that the writers have come up with yet. It allows Paul to be given a different perspective while ranking up the tension. It also opens his (and our) eyes to the problems faced by Fades, showing us why the Fades do what they do.

Besides the atmosphere, there are many other very interesting things transpire in this episode that haven't even been hinted at in the others. Such as the fact that maybe Mister Psycho Fade isn't actually as bad as he seems, and why The Fades kill.

Other things to look out for in this episode are the origins of John, the Pyscho Fade. He has a very interesting past, despite it being shamefully sad.

*            *            *

So, to the verdict. This episode is the best so far, with the tension ranked up to the max and different avenues and posiibilties being opened and explored, rather thoroughly in my opinion. Throw in the blurring of the line between the good and the bad, and you've got yourself a right good mix that makes you crave to see the next episode. Only things I didn't like were the clothes that Paul was wearing, and maybe how Paul's mother treated Mac.

For this, I am going to give it an eight out of ten.

Below, I enclose the iPlayer link. I know that those of you who read this and aren't living in the UK can't actually view it, but for those that can, here it is.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b015v0nh/The_Fades_Episode_4/

Just a word of warning: Watch out for the butterflies...

Hello, My Old Servants/Friends...

Well, isn't it lovely to see you all again. I am back, and believe me when I say that you're all getting about mouthful of pure Evil Mistress talk.

You see, you should have all at least noticed that I have all been missing. I know for a fact I was being begged for and that pleases me. But anyway, I have been in Belgium and Paris for the last week or so as part of my history class. Get ready for tales of Laughter, Tears and even Love. (But since I can't really be bothered we'll be doing one day at a time. I have better things to do with my time.)

So let's all go back... to a time where I set my alarm clock stupidly early...

*            *            *

The First Day
Why you shouldn't sit next to me on a really long bus journey.

You really shouldn't. I get very excitable.

But it all started at bloody 3:30 in the morning when my stupid alarm clock decided to blare into my ear the consequence of not paying attention to the fact that I had not paid attention when setting the alarm. With an exasperated sigh I proceeded to destroy my clock with a conveniently placed hammer.

No that didn't happen.

But I was ready in about an hour. I didn't have to be where the bus was until 5:45am. It was 4:30. I had to entertain myself so I went for the obvious choice. I logged on to Facebook, where I checked to see if any other of my travelling 'friends' were available to talk to them in a conversation that would mainly consist of "I'm so EXCITED!!!!! <3". Unfortunately it seemed all my 'friends' were smart and were actually doing something sensible. Like sleeping.

Anyway, it conspired that I couldn't bear to be on Facebook anymore so I ran to the safety of my bedroom where I watched Mock the Week: Too Hot for TV!. I wasn't going to be able to watch many comedies during the next week so I may well be prepared for Chick Flicks and stupid Action Films.

But here's the crunch. I figured since I was leaving so early I would say goodbye to my family the night before. Hugs and a "We'll miss you!". But my father was the one who was to take me to the bus, my mother wanted to see me off and my brother, who you all know as Matt, wakes up stupidly early already. So all my goodbyes bar one were useless. I had been given useless goodbyes. But still I said goodbye to them again and me and my dad sped off to the school which had the bus.

I can't tell you much about the journey there. Me and my dad don't talk particularly much unless it's about the past. Which was good because I was about to endure a trip to the past during the next week.

I got to the school with plenty of time to spare and proceeded to give the very nice bus driver, who shall be known as Andy, my suitcase and wellies. I looked around. There were parents standing around and I figured they were waiting to see their children off. You know, the ones they've looked after for fifteen years? So I figured I hug my dad because I knew what he was going to do. I hugged him awkwardly and got onto the bus to sit next to my friend, The Mushroom, and low and behold my dad sped away in his car in that time while some mother was crying her eyes out for her son.

Don't worry. I love him really.

But our journey couldn't start. We were late to leave because of one boy who we shall call ... Bayo. Bayo was a sensible boy who doesn't look like much but he can kick ass. I enjoy talking to Bayo so I was getting a little worried about him to the point at 5:55 I was clutching The Mushroom's arm until it might as well have fallen off. One minute to six, no Bayo. At 6:00 though, on the dot, a car came speeding past and Bayo rushed out his case trailing behind him. I breathed a sigh of relief.

And so our journey began. A journey of wonder it seems to the other school. We were wondering about them because in the past months we had only ever met a few. Only one of them was still in my mind really. So when people slowly piled onto the bus we were all thinking "What manner of creatures are these?" but again we carried on our journey.

I can't recall exactly what I was talking about. I remember watching Toy Story 3, where I nearly cried as Woody said his last line. But I do remember making a new friend, who we shall call Meg. Our meeting really isn't a brilliant one. It just started with her turning around and saying "I'm bored, can I talk to you?"

Hell, it gave us something to do on the bus.

At Stirling Service station we stopped to have a quick break, where I gazed in wonder at voodoo dolls and bought two, much to my friend's distress. They just bought sweets but I could only laugh at that. I had bought TEN packets of Polos in advance. So there.

But back on the bus journey to carry on to the next service station where we pigged out on chips. Just chips. It was wonderful really.

Still we pressed onwards until we got to Hull. It was an odd experience being in Hull and it was an even odder experience seeing the ferry. I didn't know boats could be that large. I didn't know they could have floors...

So my ignorance of ships was quite funny according to The Mushroom and my other friend, Bats. We got to the waiting room where I sat quietly wanting to get on the boat quickly. I had been on a ferry before but that was when I was about four so I wanted to see what had changed.

It was magical. It was like stepping into a hotel, not a boat. I honestly couldn't believe it. It was so fancy. It Had a cinema for crying out loud! But after throwing our overnight bags into our small rooms me and my friends went to wander where we found the video games.

I'm a big gamer. But I suck at gaming so I lost £2 for shooting at people.

But we eventually got bored as dinner was over and the movie theater was showing Horrid Henry. So Bats got out her cards.

I have never lost so many card games in my life. If we were betting, I would have become bankrupt.

Still that was really the day in all it's glory. There really were no exciting discoveries and nothing terribly new happened except when we went out on deck and I got some of my best photos.

Peace out peeps! And expect more tomorrow!

Note to the Professor: If you dare delete this post or edit it, I will kill you. You have no idea how long it took to type this up.

Note from the Professor: No, I have no idea how long it took to type it, but can you believe that it's taken me a very long time to edit out all your mistakes? Call me a Grammar Nazi, but you made a fair number of basic grammatical errors. Here I was thinking you had been spending the last week on a school trip.

As for killing me, I think you shall find that rather difficult when I am in charge of a sizeable arsenal and an equally sizeable army of killer androids while you are the leader of a motley group of Mafia wannabes armed with two-by-fours and a golf cart.

Johnny English Reborn - A Film Review

So I'm on holiday, right, and I'm with friends and family. We want to pass some time and have fun doing it. What do teenagers, adults and children all enjoy?

Movies.

We packed ourselves into the car and, after half an hour, arrived at the cinema complex. After a brief look through the list of current films and a quick vote that ended in my becoming dictator of the group and shooting several people for their views (kidding!), we decided to either go for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 or Johnny English Reborn.

Due to my skill as a dictator and the fact that I'd already seen Harry Potter with other friends, we bought tickets to Johnny English Reborn.

I've had my eye on seeing Johnny English for a while now, ever since everyone but me saw the original Johnny English and told me how good it was. (Matt, Evil, I'm looking at you here! I shall now gloat my victory to your many digitalised FACES!) Therefore I seized the chance to see the second with both hands.

*            *            *

The story is set five years after Johnny left MI7. English has retreated to the Tibetan mountains, where he has joined a warrior-monk place (what do you call them?), where he is trying to forget his past life. Training consists of much pain, mental stuff and brief visits to his mentor, the old master of the warrior-monk place (need to work out what they call those places). Suddenly, MI7 recalls English into their services and sends him on a new mission to investigate a plot to kill some chinese dignitary. Assisted by Agent Tucker, he delves into a world of assassins, keys and crime. As he investigates, he realises that he must dig into his own past to find answers.

What happened in Mozambique five years ago? What is Vortex? And why on Earth does anyone want to use English for the job?

*            *            *

This is a funny, whole-hearted film that is very good fun to watch. With Rowan Atkinson as English again, things are brilliantly are very well acted. Whoever wrote this is wonderfully thought out, with irony and simple Rowan Atkinson-esque acting and humour at the heart of the comedy. As well as being very funny, there are a fair few good action sequences mixed in with a pinch of romance (bleurgh). Themes include trust and friendship.

The story itself jumps around a little bit, with sudden changes of scenery (eg somewhere to Britain, Britain to somewhere that I can't remember but know it was a fair way away) that annoy you a little bit. However, this stabilises in the latter half of the film.

Possibly the best thing about this film is the mix of comedy and action. And I don't mean it's got a balance of comedy scenes and action scenes, I mean it's got a great amount of funny-ness and kick-ass kung-fu fighting in the same scenes. This leads to some tense atmospheres being completely shattered by Rowan Atkinson's face going ape or an anvil falling out of the sky and crushing something in an exceedingly funny manner. (I never said these things happen in the film!)

*            *            *

Now to the paragraph(s) you have all been waiting for.

To me, this film is a very light piece of entertainment with some good fighting sequences and old-fashioned Rowant Atkinson-esque humour written through it all the way to the end. The only things I have against it are the facts that the location changes a little too often and there are certain jokes that are carried on a little too long.

My favourite scene from this film must have been the bit where English is chasing some awesomely athletic Asian guy. Wrought with clever humour and some fairly impressive stunts, I think this scene should be filed as one of the cleverest action sequences in the film industry.

I shall give this film a seven and a half. It's very funny, got some good action and sticks in my head for some of its originality, but some of the jokes have no coherence with the rest of the film and the capture of one of the main baddies is left until the very very very end, which annoys me sincerely. However, I would have no qualms about seeing this film again, or being given it as a present by anyone. Though I have other things on my Christmas list so far.

As yet, this film is unavailable for purchase, but I enclose the Amazon link below anyway:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Johnny-English-Reborn-Rowan-Atkinson/dp/B005NYLJSK/ref=sr_1_4?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1318853193&sr=1-4

Meesa Back

Well, it has been an enjoyable holiday, but this is me signing back into the Kettle. Make ready to read my posts again!

As far as I am aware, Matt has just been being lazy. I apologise on his behalf, but not all that sincerely. I believe that Evil Mistress is still off on her little adventure, but shall be back soon enough.

That should have you up to date by now. Service will resume as per usual from now on. Any interruptions in the non-existent posting schedule, and I will inform you of that. Unless I die or something. But that's unlikely to happen anytime soon.

Keep reading!
    Pisces

Sayings of the Week - Writing

I am a bit of a writer. I enjoy writing as a hobby, and will hopefully enjoy it as a career someday too. I write this blog, for example. I'm sure any magazine would pay me at some point to write an article.

But that's not what you're looking at this for. This is, after all, a 'Sayings of the Week' post, not one of my incredible, insightful monologues. So onto that instead.

This week, I've lined up some quotes, quips and proverbs to do with writing, books and whatnot. But I'm not promising you a quip, a proverb and a quote. I'm just saying that they'll be like that.

1. He who can, does. He who can't, writes.

2. Books are like movies with subtitles, except the movie isn't on screen.

3. I wrote a person's biography once. I took it to them and told them, "I don't know how to finish this off. Help me, please." So they took it away and read it through. After reading it, they committed suicide. Thanks," I said. "That's the perfect ending."

Shades of Grey - Part Three

The conclusion to my three-part story 'Shades of Grey' is now out in this post! People, the end is near for Gabriel Grey...

*         *         *

The clocks read ten to three. Gabriel put his finishing touches on the antique clock, and set it on the shelf alongside the others. He turned away from the door and breathed on the smooth glass face of another clock and rubbed away a small smudged fingerprint left by a careless browser. He was about to do the same to another timepiece when there was a jingle of bells, and the door opened.

Gabriel straightened up slowly and turned around. There stood a tall, thin man. He wore a long dark trench coat and a black bowler cap. He sported a small curly moustache and a goatee beard upon his thin, pointed face.

Good God, thought Gabriel. It’s the Italian. The man who kills me.

“May I help you?” asked Gabriel calmly. To his credit, he came across as just a gentle old shopkeeper.

“Yes,” said the man in a thick Italian accent. “I am looking for a pocket watch.”

“I have a large selection of pocket watches here,” replied Gabriel. “I’m sure that we can find one to suit your tastes.”

The Italian laughed; a mocking sound. “I am looking for a very particular pocket watch,” he said. “I know exactly what I am looking for, because I have its sister piece right here.”

He pulled out a long, thin-fingered hand from one pocket and held out a small, palm-sized pocket watch. It was identical in every way to the one he himself had hold of. Despite himself, Gabriel gasped.

“Surely you know what it is,” said the Italian. When Gabriel feigned ignorance and shook his head, the Italian sighed. “These pocket watches are the keys to time. They unlock a doorway in this exact geographical location, allowing the key holder to walk backwards into the past. Surely you know this?”

Gabriel decided to play the fool. “No, sir, I do not. Are you in need of… medical help?”

The Italian gave Gabriel a withering look. “Don’t play games with me, Gabriel Grey. I am more than certain that you are almost in possession of the second Chronometer.”

Reluctantly, Gabriel gave up. “I may be. Why would you want this ‘Chronometer’?”

The Italian’s eyes lit with the fires of ambition. “Money! Power! Fame! With a second chronometer in hand, I can dismantle one in order to find out how it works, and from that create more!  I will be rich beyond my wildest dreams, able to disappear into the past when I wish, to replay a favourite moment or savour again a meal. I could be invincible!”

Gabriel stared into the Italian’s eyes and saw madness. He knew, then and there, that if the Italian got hold of the second Chronometer then he would tear the world down. Planet Earth wasn’t ready for this technology to be revealed to them – not yet.

“Give me the Chronometer,” whispered the Italian. “Give it to me, and I can make you rich beyond your highest hopes.”

For a second, Gabriel was tempted. If he accepted the Italian’s offer, then maybe he wouldn’t die. But then he wouldn’t be here, now, and so would be unable to make the choice. Gabriel snapped himself out of it. No, he would have to obey the laws of time. Otherwise physics might just force him to instead.

“No,” he said in a low voice. “I can’t give you the Chronometer."

The Italian’s face transformed, twisting with disbelief and anger. “I offer you the world, and yet you turn me down!” he yelled. Gabriel’s eyes widened. He was back at where he started now. His younger self was just coming to the shop now.

“I will not give it to you,” he answered. Now he didn’t even have to think about what to say – it was all from memory now, combined with his own impulsivity.

Gabriel heard the door open very slightly. He was in. Or rather, he had been in at this point in time.

“You WILL give the chronometer to me,” hissed the Italian. The Italian sounded drunk with rage, and his eyes were barely visible, so narrowed were they.

“No, I won’t,” spat Gabriel. “I know what a person like you would do with this. I can’t give you the Chronometer in the knowledge that you would use it for your own selfish means.”

The Italian’s expression dropped. “Very well then,” he sighed resignedly. “I didn’t want to have to do this, Gabriel, but you leave me with no choice.”

This is it thought Gabriel. The tipping point.

A sudden change overtook the Italian. His face stiffened, his eyes going from a cool grey to being filled with a pyre of fiery blazing madness. “I’ll just have to take it from you!”

Gabriel felt like he was watching the whole thing through another’s eyes. The clocks chimed three o’clock. On the first chime, the gun slowly emerged from the Italian’s deep pocket, handle held in a black-gloved hand. On the second, the deadly weapon pointed towards him. And then the third and final chime rang out, pure and clean. It carried whispered words towards him like a butler with a hot dinner under a silver dish.

“Goodbye, Gabriel Grey,” whispered the Italian. Then he fired.

He felt no pain as the bullets tore into him, the pointed objects punching through soft flesh and vital organs. He stumbled back as two shots hit him square in the chest. Then a third hit him in the left shoulder, spinning him round a half-turn.

His eyes met with the frightened man who crouched at the doorway. He remembered being him – feeling his fear, his confusion. But he smiled to himself a secret smile as he also remembered the events of the past half hour. He had lived more in the last half hour than he had in the whole of his adult life. For some odd reason, he had a strange urge to hint to himself that there was still quite a way to go until this story ended.

Gabriel winked a slow, measured wink. Then the final bullet punched into his back.

The next few seconds were a blur. He fell over and burst through the door at the same time, roaring at his attacker. The Italian cried out, a startled cry, like that of a sparrow when it is attacked by a cat. Then Gabriel remembered. He must throw the watch, and he must catch it.

Gabriel reached into his pocket and pulled out the Chronometer. “Gabriel, catch!” he called to himself, and threw the watch into the air. The other Gabriel caught it deftly in his right hand.

“Gabriel, clap your hands NOW!” he cried. The watch holder clapped his hands together just as the Italian’s wave of deadly bullets rocketed towards him. Then there was a bang, and he was gone – disappeared into the past.

“You haven’t won, old man,” hissed the Italian. He pulled out his own Chronometer. “I’ll just follow him.”

“Not on my watch!” called a new voice. Gabriel gazed around, confused. A police officer in full riot gear had appeared in the doorway. He pulled out a handgun, and the Italian panicked. He only got as far as pointing his own gun towards the officer before getting a bullet in the torso himself. The Italian went down, his dark clothes stained with blood. Gabriel was confused for a moment before he remembered that he had arranged all of this.

In the brief time he had had, Gabriel had made a phone call to the local police, telling them that someone was to be murdered at exactly three o’clock. The authorities had responded remarkably quickly, and looked to have dispatched an armed special team to help him. Unfortunately, they had arrived too late.

But it couldn’t have gone any other way anyway, realised Gabriel. That’s just how time works.

Gabriel smiled as the officer knelt over him. “We got your call,” he said weakly. “How did you know you were going to be murdered at exactly three o’clock?”

“Let’s just say I had time on my side,” rasped Gabriel. “Half an hour, to be precise.”

There and then, in the officer’s arms, Gabriel Grey died.

Shades of Grey - Part Two

I have returned to give you the second section of 'Shades of Grey'. After all, if you read the first part, then you should be intrigued as to what's going on. If you haven't read it the first part already, please do so before reading this bit.

People, I present to you the second part of 'Shades of Grey'.

*         *         *

Gabriel opened his eyes to find himself in exactly the same place as before – except he wasn’t in the exact same spot as before. Gabriel stared about confusedly. Where had the Italian man and his wall of deadly projectiles gone? And where was the dying man who had his voice, his looks and even his name?

Out of habit, Gabriel looked around at the clocks that lined the walls, shelves and counters of the clock shop. Half past two. Gabriel sighed. Somehow, always knowing the time relaxed him.

Wait a second! It was three o’clock literally two minutes ago! Gabriel’s mouth dropped open. Somehow, half an hour of time had just undone itself.

“That’s not possible,” muttered Gabriel. But then he though back to earlier, when he had seen himself brutally murdered for a pocket watch by a tall Italian in a trench coat and a bowler hat. Suddenly, travelling back in time by half an hour didn’t seem so impossible.

“Oh! The pocket watch!” exclaimed Gabriel. He looked down to see that the pocket watch was still in his hand, its smooth, rounded case moulded into his flesh. Carefully, he set it down on the counter and eyed it thoughtfully.

“What are you?” asked Gabriel, a frown upon his face. “You’re certainly not a pocket watch. Not if you moved me back in time, that is.”

Gabriel put his hands on either side of the counter and lowered his head so that his eyes were on the same level as the watch. Carefully, ever so carefully, he examined the pocket watch like it was a venomous snake in a bad mood. When he was satisfied that the outer casing was indeed that of a pocket watch, he picked it up and weighed it in one hand. It was most certainly heavier than any true pocket watch had a right to be.

This needs closer examination, thought Gabriel. He carried the pocket watch through to an adjoining room and put the silver object upon a workbench. He sat down at the bench, switched on a bright goose-neck lamp and looked out his tools.

“Let’s open you up,” said the clockmaker. Very carefully, Gabriel lifted the lid of the pocket watch. What he saw inside was most certainly not a watch face.

Under the gleaming metal cover of the pocket watch was a shining sphere of pure diamond. White light radiated out from the glassy ball. Various wires burrowed into the construction, presumably moving energy to the various other components that made up the pocket watch. ‘Various other components’ referred to the mass of miniscule motors and cogs that spun around the inside of the metal shell.

“Oh my,” breathed Gabriel. For the first time, he saw the pocket watch for what it really was: A time machine.

Gabriel closed the lid of the pocket watch very gently and slipped it into his breast pocket. Head spinning, he once again entered the lobby of the clock shop.

Gabriel looked up at the wall of clocks again. The time was now quarter to three. The clockmaker frowned. Up until this point, he hadn’t really considered what the consequences of travelling back in time would be. With a jolt, he realised that he had crossed into his own time stream.

That must mean that there is another me out there somewhere, thought Gabriel. Where was I at quarter to three?

After a moment of thought, he realised that he had at this very moment been travelling by bus towards this very location. At around five to three, he had arrived at the shop and witnessed the argument between himself and the Italian. Five minutes after that, he had seen himself get killed. Gabriel’s eyes widened. He had witnessed his own murder. This meant that he had exactly fifteen minutes to live.

Gabriel quickly turned his thoughts away from the murder. It was essential that he keep a clear head right now.

“So, what do we know so far?” Gabriel asked himself. “Well, we know that I arrive here at five to three and see myself arguing with an Italian man. The Italian pulls a gun and shoots the older version of me, but panics when he sees me, the younger version. Then I throw myself the pocket watch, and I travel back in time by half an hour. This brings me to now. I know everything about the murder, except why he murdered me.

Gabriel the clockmaker knew better than most people what the benefits of time travel would be. Whoever held the time machine would be able to change history, or have infinite time to meet deadlines or get to other places. Despite the benefits, Gabriel knew deep down that time travel technology would be more dangerous than any conventional weapon, or even an unconventional one. If used incorrectly, something could go catastrophically wrong.

“Wait a moment,” started Gabriel. “Nothing could go wrong because time is fixed. If you try to change something, then you will inevitably fail. Assuming that this theory is indeed correct then no matter what I do, I am going to die.”

Gabriel’s mind raced. He was perfectly at home with the idea of dying; as an aging man, he had come to terms with the idea several years ago. It was not the after death part that frightened him: it was the dying itself. He winced as he remembered the bullets ripping into his own flesh, opening holes out of which his very life had leaked.

It was obvious to Gabriel that nothing that he could do could prevent him from being killed.

“I may have only fifteen minutes to live, but I’ll be damned if I don’t use them to the full!” exclaimed Gabriel. “If I’m going to die, I’m going to organise it down to the last detail. And if I’m going to do that, I need to make a phone call.”

*         *         *

'Shades of Grey' is to be concluded with the next (and final) part of this story. Check back in a couple of days for the end!

Merlin - The Darkest Hour, Part Two - An Episode Review

The second in the thirteen-part series, this is the continuation of 'The Darkest Hour'. After the events of the first part, this episode sees the knights of Camelot, Arthur and Merlin continuing their quest to save the kingdom from the Dorocha (pronounced Doo-Rock-Ah), restless spirits of the dead with a chilling touch. To do so, they must repair the breach opened in the veil that separates the real world from the Otherworld by making a blood sacrifice to the gatekeeper.

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The episode has basically the same storyline as the last, just continued. I didn't enjoy this episode as much as the last, probably due to the following factors.

At the beginning of the episode, Merlin is packed off back to Camelot due to events that took place earlier on. Lancelot travels with him to keep him safe. While watching this, I thought that this whole section of the alotted time was a complete waste, as they eventually just tur around and head back after an encounter with some spirits - good ones this time. I shall not say more about the story at this point.

Turns out though that this bit wasn't a mistake - or at least not totally. It deepens the character of Lancelot (which is pointless, as you shall see is you watch the thing) and hints at what will happen in the end. Still, I think this part really doesn't quite work with the rest of the show.

Another let-down for me was the ending. It wasn't hollow, but didn't seem to work.To be honest, it was rather a dire way to begin the fourth series of this fantasy TV show.

To the bright side now. There are many good points of this particular show, the biggest this time around being the return of the Wilddeoren, giant naked mole-rat-like creatures. We've also got the dragonish Wyvern and of course the Dorocha. I have to say, I love the Wilddeoren. They're just plain cool. (To a certain person: Yes, that's a reference to bats.)

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I think I'm going to give this episode a six out of ten. It's a fairly good continuation of a storyline and would be a fine episode if it was a stand-alone, but I don't feel that it did the previous episode justice. That's the only problem with two-part beginners with brilliant starts - it's disappointing if the second bit doesn't work as well.

I also dislike how they ended this episode. It seems a bit non-Merlin-esque, as Merlin is usually a cheerful show with some smiling characters and halfway-evil monsters with black spots on the ends of their oversized noses. Obviously Merlin has changed a lot in the year since we last saw him.

You can watch this episode at the following address:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0160z3w/Merlin_Series_4_The_Darkest_Hour_Part_2/

That's the end of this review. Next week we'll be seeing good old Merlin as it's meant to be - Dragoon the Great is coming back!

Question of the Week

Another addition to the 'weekly stuff' series, I present to you a question to mull over for the next week. Please answer either by emailing me at pisces.kettle@yahoo.com or by leaving a comment.

This week's question is...

If you were an animal, what would you be?

This is not asking 'what would you like to be?' but is instead asking what you would be if your personality took animal form.

My answer would be an owl or a hawk, I think. Not an eagle, though.

Shades of Grey - Part One

It is my great pleasure to announce that the first of many stories is to be published now! In fact, it has been published. It's just below this introduction.

In an effort to save myself work and time, I've decided to serialise this story; that is, split it up and publish it in parts. I know, this is the most annoying thing a person can possibly do with a story, but it is necessary to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Matt ('cause we all know he ain't human), I give you the first story to grace this blog. I give you...

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Shades of Grey

The clockmaker Gabriel Grey had been having a good day. He had made a few house-calls, fixed a few watches at home and even managed to buy an antique clock off of a street salesman for a bargain price. Feeling really rather good about himself, Gabriel had decided to call in at the clock shop that he owned, ‘Gabriel Grey’s Clock Emporium’, to drop off the old timepiece.

That was when he witnessed the murder.

As Gabriel fumbled in his pocket for the keys to the door, he became aware that there were voices coming from inside the store. With thoughts of robbers and thieves filling his mind, peered through the window and past the rows of clocks to see the drama unfolding inside.

Inside the shop, two men were engaged in a heated debate. One of the men was a tall, slim Italian with a little curly moustache and a goatee beard. His hands were buried deep in the pockets of his trench coat, and his head was covered with a black bowler hat. The other was hidden to Gabriel, his back facing the window. It was clear to Gabriel that neither of the men were burglars, and that there quarrel was escalating grossly out of proportion. The Italian was gesturing wildly at the other person. Even through the thick glass of the storefront, Gabriel could clearly hear what they were saying.

“I offer you the world, and yet you turn me down!” yelled the Italian, face contorted with rage.

“I will not give it to you,” said the other man, more than a hint of fear in his voice. Gabriel thought that he recognised the voice, but he couldn’t place where he had heard it before. With some trepidation, Gabriel moved closer to the door and slowly began to turn the doorknob of the old wooden door. When it was just open, he positioned himself so that he could burst in if he felt the need to.

Back inside, the two men were still arguing.

“You WILL give the chronometer to me,” said the Italian. The Italian’s voice had taken on a dangerous, low tone, and his eyes had narrowed to slits.

“No, I won’t,” retorted the other man. “I know what a person like you would do with this. I can’t give you the chronometer in the knowledge that you would use it for your own selfish means.”

The Italian’s face relaxed. “Very well then,” he sighed resignedly. “I didn’t want to have to do this, Gabriel, but you leave me with no choice.”

Just a second, thought Gabriel. Did he just call that other man Gabriel?

Then the Italian’s face hardened and his eyes blazed with unbridled fury. “I’ll just have to take it from you!”

At that moment, the clock shop erupted into noise as every clock in the room struck three o’clock in perfect synchronisation. At the same time, the Italian man withdrew one thin gloved hand from his pocket. In his hand was a gun.

“Goodbye, Gabriel Grey,” whispered the Italian. Excuse me? Thought Gabriel. I’M Gabriel Grey!

Gabriel had hardly any time to process this before one long, bony Italian finger curled around the trigger of the gun, and the barrel lit with fire.

Once, twice, thrice, the Italian man fired into the chest of the other man. The man, his chest bloody, spun a half turn, yet remained standing. For a brief second, Gabriel’s eyes met with those of the dying man. Gabriel’s eyes widened. The man before him was… himself.

Now Gabriel understood. He had recognised the voice because it was his own. The Italian had called him by his name because it was the other man’s name too. But I’m here! Thought Gabriel in a panicked fashion. I can’t be there!

As if reading his mind, Gabriel’s double smiled slightly and winked at him. Then the Italian fired again. The man who was also Gabriel Grey collapsed on the floor, four neat round holes in his body.

Gabriel roared and burst through the door and into the lobby of the clock shop. The Italian’s head snapped towards him, and his eyes widened in shock. “No!” he cried. “There can’t be two of the same person! NO!”

“Gabriel!” called the man on the floor. “Catch!”

The second Gabriel tossed a palm-sized object to him. Gabriel caught it in one hand. It was a silver pocket watch.

“NO!” yelled the Italian. “Give that to me!”

“Gabriel, clap your hands NOW!” exclaimed the man on the floor. Blood was dribbling from his mouth. The Italian swung his gun towards Gabriel and unleashed a hail of bullets towards him.

Gabriel squeezed his eyes shut and clapped his hands, the pocket watch snugly fitting in his palm. There was an almighty bang, and then he was gone.

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Please comment on this piece, or just use the quick response buttons.

And there you have it. The first section of the 'Shades of Grey' story. May I remind you all to check back often, as the next section of the story will most likely be posted within two to three days from now.

Until next time...