Comparing Authors with Legendary Folk

Yeah, well you kind of asked for it, people. Bill, you made me an androgynous Monk. And Matt's failed to post forever. And so has Evil, only with more success. Rinrei I have nothing against except her nonexistence. The Editor can simply edit out whatever I say, so I shall say nothing. Still, you all must suffer...

Therefore, I have decided to exact revenge by comparing people with other people. People of legend... Famous faces that never lived... This shall be interesting.

Let's go in alphabetical order, seeing as that's the trend just now. Which means we start with our dear old man, Bill.

Bill
Bill, our most old of creatures (despite him not really being that old at all), is a little bit of a reclusive oldster who only comes out every so often to have a rant, usually about once a week. Due to these apparent facts, he is now christened...

Rip van Winkle. Well, he did sit down for a nap and sleep a hundred years, didn't he? So he's old, a bit grumpy and only comes out once in a long period of time. So it's perfect, really.


Old, old, old... He went to sleep for a 100 years. How lazy.

Bill dealt with, we now move onto...

Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers
EMoC is, alas, rather extinctified at present and so cannot answer to any accusation made of her. This makes for some rather interesting opportunities by way of presenting her. Hee hee...

It is difficult to categorise such a person as Evil, simply because she's never around anymore. However, she is rather fiery, prone to killing people and more than a bit small. She's also rather creative in the musical department. This rather obviously leads to her being Little Boy Blue. Except she doesn't play the trumpet.


See? Small. And musical.

And of course Evil is prone to sleeping under haystacks. Go figure.

Evil out of the way, I would move onto Matt except for the fact that he comes last in the alphabet. So it's not Matt taking the stage, but rather...

Professor Pisces
Ah... Me, the illustrious, egotistical and mildly narcissistic founder and director of the Kettle. I do love to write, and i do love to simply annoy people and argue for the sake of it. A close friend told me rather recently that if I make it into government, I will be assassinated for the things I've said. Hee hee... I look forwards to that day. But not really. That would be stupid.

Since I'm apparently 'untrustworthy', musical and tend to hatch plots like bird breeders hatch eggs, I must (quite naturally) be named forevermore as... The Pied Piper.


Toot, toot...

Next up is our resident psychopath!

Rinrei
Rinrei is, by definition, a changeable entity. Sometimes a delight and others a terror, she can be annoying at pretty much any time and is prone to quoting far too much Anime and other terrible shows. (Yes, that was an assault on the whole Japanese comic book franchise. Deal with it.) Unfortunately, those who cross her die, so that simply makes her... The Queen of Hearts.

Unusual obsessions: Check. Somewhat volatile: Check. A remorseless killer: Check. Looks like she's checkmate with the Red Queen.


Yes, she is a card. Go figure.

Next up, our very own nasteesh...

The Eternal Editor
I said nasteesh. I meant it.

The Editor is generally complained about for being a bit grumpy, which is rather reasonable considering that he is generally grumpy. This probably results from being the personification of... Death.


'Cause that's not morbid at all...

Well, if you thin about it, he does get very annoyed, he was certainly quite pale (which is true) and he likes to wear robes that quite simply drown him. I think he may own a scythe, though it may just be a picture of one. It looked real when I scanned it. But still...

Which leaves us the forgotten, semi-extinct Matt.

Matt
Matt is, as of now, a non-entity that exists. Dead for a long time now, he resurfaces every so often in the form of loose femurs, ribs and other bones. He's also morbidly obese due to his innate laziness and tends to be very creepy. Small children find him amusing whereas everyone else knows him to be mad. This, of course, makes him...

Santa Claus.


Fat, fat, fat...

What, you didn't know that Santa Claus doesn't exist? Well, talk to Matt about it. I'm sure he'll... console you.

This marks the end of this lengthy and entertaining post. If any authors have any objections as to how I've portrayed them, then they can stuff it. This post is un-editable! Exist by The Editor, who seems to find a way to edit everything...

Goodbye folks. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday and a good Thanksgiving in advance to all those Americans. Because, as we all know, Thanksgiving is the day on which we slaughter turkeys for no reason other than to burn them, nibble on the charred flesh and feast on leftovers for the next seven months.