Fanfiction, and Why I Dislike It - Mostly

One of the most common types of writing to be found on the Internet is fanfiction. There are fanfictions of Star Wars, Death Note, Star Trek... You name it and there's a fanfiction of it. But the sad thing is that, despite the gross amount of it, very little of it is actually any good.

Fanfiction, for those of you who don't know, is a form of writing where the author adopts a character, setting or other part of an existing franchise/series and creates a story based around that borrowed element. This is, surprisingly enough, a very widespread thing to do. the benefits of doing this are great: You have much less work to do - the world's already made up, and so you have less stuff to work out for yourself. At the same time, if you misinterpret or misuse an element or idea from whatever you're copying off of, it ends up looking very bad indeed.

This is how most fanfictions turn out. Characters are put in situations they would never get to otherwise, and respond in exactly the wrong way. But there is a deeper problem, and one that cannot simply be attributed to the mere existence of fanfiction. The problem is this: Some people just cannot write.

It works like this. You have an idea, and you think "Wahey, I can go and write that down and everything will be fine!" Nuh-uh. As a friend of mine once told me, "I could be a great writer: I have great ideas, but when I get to writing them down, they look very boring."

Well, perhaps that was paraphrasing, and maybe it's because he is simply the most singleminded, stubborn goat of a jerk I've ever had a reaction to meeting, but it's essentially right. Having an idea and having a framework for something is no good if you can't hang something on it. It's like getting a great canvas and some excellent paints and then drawing a smiley face. Though you have all the tools to create a great work, you have to have some skill to be able to pull it off. This has resulted in some truly terrible pieces of writing that end up as hideous, unintentional parodies of what used to be a good thing. (If you haven't read Rinrei's 'A Bad Story', I would. It's a good example of something really badly written, especially when you compare it to whatever it's based on.)


Just as an example of a 'horrible parody'...

Now this is not to say that I A) do not enjoy some fanfiction or B) dislike the idea. However, this is very similar to saying that I like the idea of healthy food in that I appreciate the concept, but don't exactly enjoy the results. (Ugh... Lettuce.) There is some fanfiction that is well worth a read, assuming you enjoyed the original series or what it was based on.

There is actually quite a lot of what could be considered as 'fanfiction' in mainstream bookstores. For example, the Warhammer series of books. I've never actually read them, but they're reputed to be fairly good, and there are a fair number of them. These are works of fanfiction that have been comissioned and published. The difference between these and amateur fanfiction pieces is that the author is paid to be good. They have an incentive to research the universe, get to grips with the details and eventually execute a good story.


An example of published fanfiction, this one being from the 'Warhammer' universe.

It is due to an absolute lack of this incentive that most fan-made, Internet-published fanfiction is either innacurate or just bad. And that is why I dislike fanfiction. This is not to say, however, that there are not some talented people out there who really should be writing some stuff. But the matter still stands that thre are those who wish to write but can't. To those who try but fail: Nice try, but please - don't keep trying! Try something else. A different genre, perhaps. But it's only when a room is dark that a light can clearly be seen...

If anyone wishes to prove me wrong, I'm more than happy to listen. But seeing as no-one will protest - at all - I'll simply end this here and now.

Please, do not write fanfiction! Write something original.

I Like War: The Sequel

The Eternal Editor knows that when it comes to anything to do with violence, blood, war or irritation I never give in. Mainly because I like war. I'm not sure why, I just do. So, with that in mind, prepare for a cold, merciless war on the blog.

I start this war by stating that I am going to punch Botan so hard that she falls into Inuyasha, and everyone knows that is like mixing lava and dynamite into a blender (well, everyone that knows about this stuff). Now, I end this lovely little comment with my favourite quote: Any time, any place, I'm going to rip off your face.

EDIT: I've noticed that Pisces has a draft on why he hates fanfiction. He better hurry up and post it, as I hate a large majority of it too and I want to create a post on why I hate most of them as well, but not on this one since this is for the war between the Eternal Editor and I.

Right, this is how it's gonna roll.
   Rinrei stands atop a hill. I come up behind her and push her off. She falls to her death and dies. Unfortunately, she's undead, so...

I get back up from the hill, proclaiming that it's just a flesh wound while blood is spurting out of my head. I toss the nearest child in The Eternal Editor's general direction while I go ahead and get a machine gun, shooting bullets in his general direction. I then leap into Professor Pisces' time machine and go back to dinosaur times despite the chances of paradoxes and the such. Seriously, I'm too stupid to care about stuff like that.

Being the infallible android that I am (well I'm the Terminator of Terminators), I emulate a sigh and think a binary code. Opening a temporal rip (Pisces cleared this one with me; yippee) I drop an atom bomb in dinosaur times. Guess what caused the extinction of the dinosaurs? Yup. Me.
   Well, I'm not Eternal for no reason.

I, Rinrei, leap through the very same rift in time and appear right in front of The Eternal Editor with a baby Parasaurolophus (you see the reference there?) and proceed to attack him with it. This Parasaurolophus can breath fire, so I killed you with fire. Not Hiei. Just fire. Green fire, too. Not sure how that changes it, but it does!

Being the infallible android that I am, I emulate death and activate my anti-fire procedures. Basically, I start spurting water like mad.
   Batting the parasaurolophus away (Reference? What reference?) with my mutant tyrannosaur, I smash Rinrei to a pulp. As it should be.

But you failed to realize that the Rinrei you smashed to a pulp was actually an afterimage, and that I leaped back through the time rift and tossed the nuclear bomb that I somehow managed to obtain in your general direction, sealing the rift before the aftershock or radiation hit me. (Parasaurolophus was what Matt was named as an animal. Basically, you just killed Matt.)

Being the infallible android that I am (are you sure you've got the hang of this?), I realise that you couldn't have done that because the atom bomb that I sent through blew up. Having cleared up this paradox, time reverts to its true path and - oh! - you're back where you started, with my mutant tyrannosaur smashing you to a pulp.
  And so what if I killed Matt? Collateral damage!

In which you realise that I am already dead, so your beating me to a pulp results in nothing. And seriously, you think YOU can beat me to a pulp? Clearly you've never seen me in a bad mood.
   The death of Matt results in one angry Professor Pisces, who comes hunting us down with an elephant gun. Let's team up to defeat the true evil before reverting back to our beloved war.

I, Pisces, am the Professor. You cannot kill me. And apparently I have an elephant gun, and just killed Matt. So I'm quite crazy with madness and glee, but then again, I was mad beforehand.
   I aim the elephant gun (what is that anyway?) at you both at the same time, because I went and used that time travel tech that I gave The Editor to recruit my future self. Therefore you cannot kill me me, because that would create a paradox and that's IMPOSSIBLE. Way.
   Now I shoot you both and you die, except Rinrei doesn't because she's undead and The Editor doesn't because he's eternal... We really can't win here, can we? At all.

I take Rinrei out with a wooden stake tipped with garlic (all in the shape of a cross) to the heart while she stares in surprise at the Professor. I can't say I blame her, as this is a rather unexpected turn of events.
   Rinrei dies in pain and anguish. I turn to the Professor, but he appears to have disappeared.

Of course, considering that I'm not a vampire of any sort (I proved this by slamming a stake through the door with a note saying 'vampires have been warned'), this attack has little effect on me. I push down myself and look at my wound. It's just a flesh wound. I turn in the opposite direction and chase after one of the Pisces', determined to defy logic and exterminate the original.

...Despite the fact that they're both the original, just at different points in time. Duh. Haven't you read his posts? I have to. I edit them.
   I use the laws of quantum theory to destroy the universe with me outside of it. The end.

I am no genius when it comes to science, nor do I ever intend to be, but destroy the universe with you outside of it? Have fun with that. Meanwhile, I sit in front of my computer typing up a lame response to your apparent mass-destruction in an alternative universe where you have not gone ahead and destroyed the world where we are having an online battle. After realising that you would probably try and do this at some point, I pack up all my gear and head to Pisces' house to interrogate him about your current location.

Unfortunately for you, the infinite alternate universe theory dictates that in another universe I've already killed dear Pixies (PISCES FOOL!), so that really doesn't work out for you. I randomly do an interdimensional bunny-hop and wind up in a universe where you were killed at birth by a frog with opposable thumbs. I succeed the Queen to the throne and live forever.

Please, I'm fabulous. I kill you with fire. Or Hiei. I don't care, there are many alternative universes and one of my alternative selves is a science genius and leaps into the very same universe you. I accuse you of being a fraud, and people discover that you are not the Queen's son, as earlier thought and they capture you. They torture you and interrogate you until you confess until you are executed. I return to my original universe, where the same bull frog that kill me in the alternative universe kills you. It shoots fire as well, you know. I have a cup of coffee and chuckle as the battle still continues... Editor? Where are you?

Well, I'm right here, of course. And you have no proof that I'm not a prince. You don't know me: Pisces does.
   I ask you what 'Hiei' means and why you continue to think that it's somehow clever. The next move is yours.
   (Also, genius? You? I no longer believe in the theory of infinite alternate universes. Plus, you can't be a 'science genius'. You can be a genius who's super-good at science, but not a 'science genius'. Genius is to do with IQ, not how good you are at something.)

Hiei is a fire demon. He likes burning stuff. Throw said fire demon at stuff and stuff burns. Simple. I say it because it's funny to imagine this demon being thrown at people.
   I know I am not a genius, I came to that conclusion ages ago, but this is not about personal lives or whether you are a Prince or not. As far as I know, Pisces knows no princes. I would know, I threaten him on a daily basis and if there was a prince around, I would ultimately be dead. Don't diss my bad grammar, I'm just cutting time since I should be sleeping like a normal person. Who knows, I might actually be incredibly smart or talented when it comes to certain subjects.
   Anyway, with my general attitude gone at last. I let you start with the first move.

EDIT: I think he's dead. Yep, definitely dead, unless he's given up. *Troll face*
   I'd scream out: I WIN! But I'm sure that's exactly what the Editor is waiting for, so I'll say it quietly I win!

Aha! You've fallen into my trap. You cannot win: I am Eternal. It's in the name. Therefore, I leave you destitute and destroyed, sodden with defeat.
   Pisces knows at least one prince. I am a prince. You have no proof that I am not a prince!
   I transform you into a dish cloth and leave you to soak up your tears. I win.

Of course, Rinrei is in Soviet Russia and in Soviet Russia I win and you lose. Also, I am not a dish rag because otherwise I wouldn't be able to type this and I am typing right now and still surviving the painful death that is bound to occur while writing NaNoWriMo. And me? Cry? I split my knee open and laughed. I saw L die and said not a word. I am immune to pain. So there. Ha. Next!
P.S: Rinrei is awesome.
P.S.S: Will this war ever end?
P.S.S.S: He's forgotten about this again.
P.S.S.S.S: Yep. He's forgotten which defaults me as the winner.

I Propose A War!

Rinrei. You spite me. Your recent post concerning a story that you're writing both intrigues and disturbs me, but I must say that it is the topic of this post. You know the one I mean.

Observant readers may well have noticed a certain post which has a fluctuating title. So far it's flipped between 'This is not a title' and 'Titles Are Important. Suck It Up.' The reason for this unusual phenomenon is simple: I cannot be bothered with laziness (ironic, I know) and like to change the odd title a little bit. Seeing as we are at a bit of a stalemate over what title belongs above that particular post, I seek to find a solution.

I propose a war between myself (The Eternal Editor) and Rinrei. She shall have the first move - ladies and undead, ravening creatures first - and she shall create a post. She'll title it whatever she wants, and then post a short message below. And so shall begin a classic duel, where I shall parry her comment with one of my own. This shall appear directly beneath the previous comment. And so we shall continue, until such time as A) one of us gives in, B) Pisces puts a stop to our fun or C) the post is so long that we need to start a new one.

Yes, it is true that I Like Varr. And I demand satisfaction! Avast, ye scallywag. Pick up the gauntlet or I'll simply mess with ALL your titles. Muhuhahaha... Let the games begin.


I would just like to point out that this is not meant to provoke any kind of anger or annoyance, and would simply make for good fun. I may appear to be grumpy and decrepit, but I like my fun.

I await the war.
   The Eternal Editor

Gustav Klimt

This post has nothing to do with Gustav, nor the Klimt, I shall reluctantly admit. It is in fact to do with the results of the research I conducted on our lovely Matt.

I say, to your expectations, that the answer is: No, he will always be strange, no matter what the cost. This is rather pleasing to hear, for it means he isn't two-faced or, dare I say it, normal. Matt is the core of the blog's silliness and that's what makes him loved. Did I have anything else to say? Ah, yes.

A big warm welcome to our Professor on his return! I would have welcomed him in person, but it saddens me to say that I've been ill for a few days. However, that is all in the past, and we strive to move forward.

My friends, authors and internetters, I bid you another farewell.

Oh, and for all you facebook fanatics, please have a look at this beautiful man and LIKE him:
http://www.facebook.com/feshinon

Bye.

The Truth, Relationships and Myself

Yeah, well, I knew I'd have to let slip eventually. I just didn't expect it to happen on the first freakin' day back... Sigh.

As Rinrei says, I have a girlfriend and Rinrei died when she found out. Fortunately for me (or perhaps unfortunately, seeing as what's about to occur), Rinrei's a vampire and came back to life. But that's pretty much all I'm willing to say about the matter, apart from perhaps that I'm really not the cold, heartless person everyone seems to think me to be. Every coin has two sides, and then there's the side in between. It doesn't happen terribly often, but that elusive third side sometimes shows up. This time, it did. And that's how it shall stay.

Apparently I'm a romantic. I like to think I can just turn a phrase, like what Albus Dumbledore used to do before Snape nabbed him. I don't think too deeply about what I'm about to say, which has resulted in some serious misunderstandings in the past. But I can really say no more - who knows who could read this?

What you can expect from now on is certainly not a complete evaluation of my life, but perhaps I'll be behaving a little strangely for a while. Sudden dashings-off and suchlike. Time shall tell...

Oh, and one more thing. Her name. It's Dragon.

I Don't Care What The Editor Says, I Refuse to Create a Proper Title!

Let me start by saying that the post from before was NOT my long post. I am barely conscious after discovering that Pisces is currently in a relationship with a person I found so unlikely that I stopped breathing and died. A lot like what happened to Evil.

Anyway, I'm back to life with a story I said I would most certainly post up. Now, this is based on a mix of 'Future Diary', 'Battle Royale', 'The Hunger Games' and, apparently, '72 Hours'. The idea is that it is a mix of the stories with my friends and myself inserted as different characters (the names have been changed and there are slight alterations in personalities). So, without further ado, let's post up the results of a bored and violent mind.

*          *          *

The Plot: Fifty students have been selected and left separated in an abandoned mining town. What do they have to do here? Simple: They have to kill one another. Only one person can survive, and that person shall gain glory! The students have as long as it takes to kill everyone there, but there is little food supply and some people are more than willing to kill the others. Everyone has a phone that tells them exactly what one (only one) of the students is doing and where they are. They have been supplied with weapons. But can they do it? Would you survive, or would you die like so many before you? Only time will tell.

Name: Lizzie Borden (Rinrei)
Description: A typical, normal girl who’s a tomboy most of the time, but is actually the most psychopathic out of the entire group. She switches between her usual personality and her psychotic one numerous times throughout a single conversation. Her weapon is a Chainsaw. She has shoulder-length white hair and pink eyes (she's an albino). She is good at hiding and axe crazy, with a well-known slasher smile.
Quote: "Lizzie Borden took an axe, and gave her mother forty whacks. And when she saw just what she'd done, she gave her father forty-one."

Name: Jason Bailey
Description: A loud and boisterous boy to most (including teachers) and known for getting into trouble because of this, he is actually observing what everyone does and twists the situation to his advantage whenever possible. He hates blood. His weapon is a BB Sniper Rifle. He is tall and has brown eyes and brown hair. He is not much of a threat to the others, but is able to trick others into thinking he won't betray them.
Quote: [Megan has just survived an explosion.] “Why won't you just stay dead!?"

Name: Heather Hunter
Description: A shy girl with a goofy and eccentric sense of humour, she is always out to help her friends. She hates fighting, but will try when she has to, although she is not very strong. Her weapon is an M9 Army Knife. She has mid-back length blonde hair and blue eyes. She is good at medical care and hiding, and plans to work in a group with the others to escape, although most of the group disagree with her views and work on their own. She even joins up with Lizzie at some point.
Quote: "All I want is to go home. I want everyone to be able to go home and forget about this."

Name: Emily O'Brian
Description: A cheerful and optimistic girl that dresses in a punkish style to purposefully annoy the teachers. She isn't much of a fighter, but will defend people in trouble and has a strong sense of justice. Her weapon is a Crossbow. She has upper-back length blonde hair and green eyes. She is good at spying and also believes that everyone should work in a group to escape.
Quote: "You know, I'm really starting to hate Mondays."

Name: Ryan Knight (Skald)
Description: The eldest of the group and the most mature, he is always making sure the others are okay. He isn't much of a fighter, but prefers to disturb people and make them go crazy (nah, he couldn't do that without getting caught, but that's what traps are for). He is also insane, with a tendency to laugh when the others are trying to escape from one of his traps (unlike the actual Alex, who is simply mad). His weapon is a Straight Razor. He has short brown hair and brown eyes.
Quote: [Caitlin has just killed someone.] “I had no idea she could do that."

Name: Megan Daniels (Bear)
Description: The second oldest of the group, but one of the least mature. She appears to also be slightly axe-crazy, brutally killing someone on the spot when she gets the chance. Her weapon is a Small Farming Scythe. She has shoulder-length black hair and hazel eyes.
Quote: "If you don't mind having your legs ripped off, then by all means try and kill me."

Name: Olivia Bickham
Description: A laid back, rebellious teenager that acts as an older sister to most of the group, she is more of a pacifist and sits back to watch the others fight without really doing anything. Her weapon is a Broad-Bladed Kitchen Knife. She has short, dyed blue hair and green eyes.
Quote: "I should leave soon. Far too many people have died here, maggots*referring to students* are going to come."

Name: Taylor Harker
Description: A goofy, carefree person who’s always out for a good laugh, she has a bad temper, but usually has good intentions. Instead of fighting, she sets up traps instead to avoid running into others. Her weapon is a Rifle. She has long red hair and brown eyes. She is only a threat to others because of her traps and she is always able to escape from others.
Quote: [While talking about Lizzie.] “She won't die. Not even when you kill her."

Name: Connor Dey
Description: A typical if perverted teenager who is dating Caitlin. He often gets yelled at by the girls because of the way he acts, although he brushes it off most of the time. He is a bit of a coward and hates fighting. His weapon is a Butter Knife. He has blonde hair and blue eyes. He is often mistaken for being a girl.
Quote: "What the hell is she!? The Terminator!?"

Name: Amy Kincaid
Description: A seldom and straight-A girl in school, she was recently transferred from England. She uses British humour most of the time and gets along well with everyone. She tries to avoid the fights with the others by carefully making her way away from previous fighting areas and instead focuses on getting enough food. Her weapon is Handgun. She has upper-back length blonde hair and brown eyes.
Quote: "I think her friend just spotted me. Did she?" [Shots are fired in her general direction.] "Yes she did!"

Name: Caitlin Blake
Description: An eccentric but cheerful girl who is dating Connor. During the story, she still appears cheerful to the point of insanity. She doesn't fight much, but when she does, she gets violent. Her weapon is a Hatchet. She has chin-length black hair and blue eyes. She's best at sneaking up on people.
Quote: "Oh my, I got blood all over my new shirt."

Name: Timothy 'Tim' Turpin (Professor Pisces)
Description: A narcissistic but incredibly intelligent individual, he spends most of his time in the library or at home when he isn't at school. In the story, he starts to become calculative, using people's fears against them to get what he wants. His weapons are three Hand Grenades. He has curly blonde hair and green eyes. His best skill is using people to his advantage.
Quote: “If you’re going to try and kill me, at least be smart about it.”

Prologue

Michael took one look at the city landscape and let out a low whistle.

"Jesus Christ, this one sure was violent." There were fifty students placed inside a large city and already he could see the corpse of one of the students lying on the ground, their head split open and blood running down the path. (It was suicide, apparently.) It was difficult to tell from such a distance, but it looked like a girl.

Nick collected a ring from one of the bodies and shoved it in the black bin bag. People would pay a lot for gold rings.

"Better hurry up, Mike; when it's night they'll get rid of all the goods." Michael sighed and turned away from the view. The remaining member of the team - Jack - looked at them in disgust.

"What happened to you guys? Don't you feel bad about taking stuff off dead bodies?" He refused to touch any one of them. Nick and Michael stared at each other until Michael finally gave in and decided to tell Jack what happened.

"They're the people that lost the Game." Jack looked at Michael, puzzled. Michael found it strange; it was common knowledge to know about the Game. He took a seat next to Jack and took out a cigarette, only to realize that he had left his lighter at home.

"Basically, fifty students from either the same school or two different schools are selected to take part in the Game. In the Game, each student is given a weapon and they have to go around killing one another until only one survivor remains. That person is deemed the winner."

"B-but why would the government let that happen? Surely this is illegal." Michael watched Nick clip off the index finger of a dead blonde girl to get at her ring. He gave it a look and shoved it into his bag.

"You would think so, but the person that runs the company that does this is also the son of the President."

Jack flushed with anger. "That's no excuse! Just because he's the son of the President doesn't mean he should be allowed to order a bunch of teenagers to kill each other..."

Michael hushed him, looking around, worried. "That's just the way it is. It also helps cut down problems like crime among young adults and such. To be honest..." he leaned forward, so he couldn't be seen by any of the cameras, which he was certain were still on air. "... I think he does it simply because he can."

Jack bolted up and glowered at Michael as though it was his fault.

"Don't go giving me the evils, kiddo. That's just the way it works. The rich lead, and we follow. Now..." he stood up and shoved the cigarette into his pocket, lifting his bag over his shoulder. "... If you want to feed your family, I recommend you get to work now."

I'm Back, Apparently.

Apparently I'm back. Or so Rinrei likes to think.

Yes, I've returned from France, souvenirs and chocolate bars in hand. The trip was altogether fantastic (in more ways than one, as I'm sure the others would be dying to tell you had I not grabbed Ed by the neck and wrung his face off). But I won't bore you with the details; instead I'll be terrifying you and entertaining you with them. But that's for another post, as this is really just a shout-out.

Having read Rinrei's dual posts, I can safely say that I'm intending on doing all three of the specified actions in equal measure and that she seems to have a different definition of 'long post' to me. Such is life, I suppose.

You should perhaps expect some France/Paris related posts very soon. And may I say to the French, you truly are wonderful. Thank you for your city. May I buy it from you?

This is Professor Pisces saying that he has returned. Expect some fireworks.

Regards,
   The Professor

P.S. Rinrei, my hair shall never engulf me. It already IS me. Fear the mighty Afro. Insert evil laugh here...

P.P.S. Evil, for goodness' sake post!

Pisces is Back

From what I've discovered through interrogation of many students, I've learned that Pisces is no longer in Paris taunting the French readers with his unnaturally strong English accent.

By now, his strange hair may have grown out of control and devoured his face, but I am not sure as I haven't seen him. Maybe it's suddenly decided to go straight to annoy and terrify us all. How long would his hair be if it was straight anyway?

Anyhoo, Pisces is back, which means he is either a) gonna tell us about it b) order us to get to work by threatening us with sporks or c) lie around and do nothing for the next few days while ordering us to work.

I'm not sure, nor do I care; I've been working. Only thyme will tell (yes, that was intentional; Pisces will get the inside joke).

Well, I'm off to break another five laws today! Did you know using online names that aren't your own birth name is technically illegal? Now you do.

Signing off!
     Rinrei

MAJOR NEWS: PISCES HAS GOTTEN HIMSELF A GIRLFRIEND! SPREAD THE NEWS BEFORE HE DELETES THIS! ESPECIALLY YOU, EDITOR! QUICK! BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT!

Note from Pisces: I honestly don't see what's so unbelievable about all this. I have many excellent qualities that make myself a very attractive person. To prove how nonplussed I am about this, I'll even release a post confirming it and leave that perhaps anarchic comment (see above) behind.
   Enjoy.

Note from Rinrei: It's not that it's shocking, by unprepared for. I just wanted to see what would happen if I screamed out MAJOR NEWS on the blog. You have disappointed me greatly.

Thank You, Hater!

You know those times when you've written something that you're incredibly proud of? Most people read it because they like it and they make a habit of commenting on it, saying how good it is or giving you criticism on it. It's only good manners to give out advice if you read something you don't think is top notch and respect author's wishes when they don't like certain parts of your advice.

However, there are those that lurk in the internet waiting for something like this to happen so they can comment. And the comments are not nice. They don't even tell you how to improve. Usually, they just end up saying things like: OMG, THIS SUCKS! GO DIE OR SUMTHING. They can't even spell 'something'. Even if you go ahead and check out their account to see what they've written, you'll realize that most of the time their writing either sucks or they haven't written anything.

Most of the time, all you see are comments. And most of the time, these comments are about how bad other's writing is without being able to spell themselves. Clearly their writing skills are far too brilliant for us and we are unworthy of their writing. Hell, not even Stephen King is good enough for them.

So, to these writing 'trolls', thank you for commenting on our little pieces of work. Thank you, haters, for letting us know our works are so bad that they make you ashamed to be a writer. But how do you expect us to improve without telling us, but instead telling us to go die in a hole? Ooh, go tell us, you lovely honey, you (oh dear, did I just say that?).

Now, to summarize, here's a little jingle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uz2jbCJXkpA&feature=g-all-f

SIGNING OFF!
   Rinrei

Sean Bean - Why He Is So Wonderfully Magnificent

Hello there. Today I'm going to be telling you, as if you didn't already know, why Sean Bean is such a brilliant person.

If you don't know of the Bean, disagree, or are simply just uninterested, you may stop reading now, and find a good safehouse to hide in, for it is treason of the highest order to not know of him. Besides, the fact that Sean Bean is named 'Sean Bean', there are a multitude of other reasons why he is loved by many around the Universe (see, I care for martians too).

 One of these reasons being that he is, in fact, Boromir. Boromir is a character from 'The Lord of the Rings', and although he dies at the very start of the second book (the end of the first film) he was certainly one of the greatest characters, despite him being a snide, headstrong fool. In his death scene, he takes three (not one, not two, but three!) arrows in the chest before he dies. It's a sad scene in the movie and a sad point in the book and one day, we'll feel that horrible sadness when the Bean himself dies.

Another reason why Sean Bean is arguably the best ever is that he's from the UK. That's a good reason right there. End of point.

The final reason (in this post, there are an infinite number of reasons) is that he's in 'Game of Thrones'. He plays Eddard Stark who, believe it or not, is one of Iron Man's ancestors... I jest, but it is a nice thought. He does a superb job as this character and, well, he's the Beaniest for the job. This is why Sean Bean is, quite frankly, one of the greatest heroes of our time. If you disagree, then please refer to the first sentence of the second paragraph, however useless it may be at this point. Also, just to inform you, I'll be closely studying Matt for the next couple of days. I shall be experimenting to see if he can cease to be strange for the time being, however the exercise is inevitably pointless. I shall later post the results with some other interesting views on... things.

Goodbye, my pally-ol'-chummy-ol'-pals.
   Billiam Harkin Hanselton III

Giving Gifts and Writing Right

It was a few days ago that I realised two things: That it was a friend's birthday very soon indeed, and that I was broke. Not really wanting to just buy a box of chocolates - the default present for when you're in doubt - I wanted to give her something a little more personal.


This fixed me with rather the dilemma. However, being the good soul that I am, I decided that perhaps I could get creative and use the skills that I had been endowed with to make my own present. So what was my first thought? Write a short story.

Surprisingly, this has apparently gone down very well with the recipient. This is an interesting and very positive reaction, considering that the story I wrote was neither terribly advanced in plot nor prose. This has led me to an interesting conclusion: Dedicating stuff works.

This may not seem exactly like a revelation to some of you, but to me it opens up new possibilities. Writing for a target audience of one person is an interesting and useful skill and experience - if it comes to it, I can use this newfound talent on boards of directors and whatnot. It seems to me that if a work is dedicated to somebody, then they shall appreciate it, whether it be for the prowess shown in its writing (if any is in fact shown) or simply the dedication. People want to find something good to say about something that they've had a part in bringing about, even if it's only worth a mention in the foreword or the acknowledgements (I never write forewords or acknowledgements - they're for actual published authors, I say). And that, my friends, is something to take into account when there is a birthday coming up that you wish to do something special about.

There are, however, some people out there (Matt, I'm looking at you here) who simply don't take such things as dedication into account when reading something. This is perfectly alright, except when they're perfectly willing to tell you everything that's wrong with it. Admittedly, when you look for proofreaders then you expect a degree of truthfulness in their critique, but still... I'm just complaining, aren't I?

If you're a writer and you have a friend whose birthday is rather soon, why not write them a story, or a poem? (My grandfather wrote my mother a poem when she was born; it exists to this day.) It's sure to work, even if it's only temporary. After all, when presents are concerned, it's really the thought that counts.

The Origins of Names

Perhaps now is a good time to reveal exactly why my name happens to be Professor Pisces. Just before Bill reveals it to you instead.

It's really all to do with what I am and what I am not. Last year, when I was contemplating beginning a blog (the product turning out to be this), I happened to be writing a story, as I am always doing. This one in particular had the intriguing name of 'The Pisces Effect', though its name has now been changed to better suit what it's actually about. In it, there was a certain character called Professor William Pisces, based on none other than no-one in particular. Since I rather liked him, I decided that I'd take his name. Plus we share some traits with one another. But that's pretty much it.

So now you know. Whoop-de-doop. But what you don't know is why the others are called what they are.

Watch this space... I'll be posting as to the origins of names very soon. Though I suspect the Editor will have something to say about me publishing anything about him.

Regards,
   Pisces

Men In Black 3 - A Film Review

It's been ten years since the last Men In Black film was released (which, for you heathen, was MIB 2), so many have been pleasantly surprised by its return. I was one such person. This, of course, led to my going to see it.

*          *          *

When Borris the Animal escapes his prison on the moon, MIB have a problem. He's intent on killing Kay, the man who took his arm. But perhaps more unusually, he's going to do it before he was even caught with the aid of time travel.

Agent Jay must travel back in time to set history back on the right track and prevent an invasion before all is lost - or isn't, depending on your perspective.

*          *          *

Men In Black 3 focuses around the singular most debated subject in the Sci-Fi universe: Time travel. I myself have written posts revolving around it, but apparently I'm either wrong or, more likely, Steven Spielberg and whoever wrote the script decided that that didn't appeal to them and would rob them of a plot.

The classic and cliched use for time travel is the 'let's assassinate a man before he does anything negative'. I'm not going to go into how this doesn't work, but I'll leave you the link to my posts on time travel. Still, onto the real review here.

The story itself isn't bad at all. Finally, one of the great questions of the MIB universe is answered: Who was Kay? A bit of a grump and a general killjoy, nobody ever really liked Kay for his sense of humour. In this installment, we find out exactly who he was, plus we get to know some more MIB history and some stuff to do with Jay. There are, however, several very prominent moments of cheese sitting around. I believe some people call them 'cheesy'. If you watch this, look out - the Edam is out to get you. Aside from the evident corniness, it's a good plot. It includes rockets. Who doesn't like rockets?

As far as characters are concerned, most of what's there was there before: Jay, Kay and an evil villain. The difference this time round is that the evil villain has a lovely little creature hiding in his hand. Oh, and there's two of him: Present and past. Unfortunately there's really not much effort put into developing this rampant animal, and it shows as a slight hollowness in his actions. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones do a good job of acting as Jay and Old Kay, but I have to say, I liked Young Kay the best. Played by Josh Brolin, he looked uncannily like Old Kay, so it was fairly believeable that it was indeed him.

So, what do I rate this Sci-Fi movie? How much out of ten? Well, I'd go for a solid seven (7/10). You've got some likeable characters - all pre-developed in the other films - followed by a relatively good plot with some alien madness thrown in every now and then. What isn't to like? There are simply one or two extra questions in need of answering, and perhaps several little things that could've been done better, the least of these being that NO-ONE SPEAKS ON THE MOON! This aside, a good, enjoyable film - see this if you've enjoyed the other installments or just general Will Smith awesomeness.

June 2012 Update

At the end of this month, half the year will have passed us by. Yippee, I suppose. Though I wish time went slower sometimes... Then we might all live longer.

That morbid thought in mind, let's review the past month.

Apparently, Rinrei and EMoC completed their exams, though this has seemingly resulted in a 0% increase in EMoC's aliveness levels. She's as dead as a dodo, and as cognizant too. Matt has shed some weight, having posted maybe thrice in the last month. Despit my ordering him and pointing my finger with all my might, I don't think he'll be bothered to haul his bulk anywhere else though. Bill's been mightily good, even admitting some dark secrets. I myself have been remarkable, though in what way I'm yet to decide.

The blog grows vastly, threatening to dwarf even Matt's considerable bulk. We've had a very good month indeed. I can now announce that we have viewers in the following countries:

• Britain
• America
• Russia
• Switzerland
• Austria
• Germany
• France
• Argentina
• China
• Chile
• India
• Malaysia
• Indonesia
• Guam (Matt, be proud!)
• Australia
• Japan

And many, many more... Too many to be listed in our hit counter records and my memory, because believe it or not, I don't actually look at them every day. It's all too easy to miss the one view from Guam, though that was one that really did stick out. Hee hee... Guam. (Click the tag 'Cuttlefish' in the tag cloud and just see where it takes you. Read the posts; get the joke.)

For the coming month, we have very little planned. I'll be paying our French viewers an extra special anonymous visit, but that's not to be taken personally. I'm there anyway. France... The last truly civilised place, or so the travel guides tell me. Bon Voyage to me, I suppose. Though of course I can't release dates. That would be criminal, and would result in a definite lack of views during those days. Though you can expect some posts with slight relevance to my French activities at some point, I suppose.

Rinrei's decided to entertain you all this month on a weekly basis with an ultra long post, which has sent The Editor into fits of working-ness. But there's really nothing wrong with overworking him. What can he do? (Note from The Editor: I'll go on strike. Just watch me.)

Also, though Rinrei claims that she's released the 300th post ever to grace this blog, this is not true. There are at least five posts still in draft that are unavailable to viewers at present, though rest assured we'll work on them. For future reference: I view things from the reader's perspective. If the readers cannot read it, then it does not count. I only factor in posts that have been published, not those in draft.

That in mind, I'd be looking out for the 300th post this coming week. I'm sure it'll have been released by then. No doubt whoever writes and releases it will be very pleased and announce it.

That's really the month set out for you. Enjoy June, people - watch out for the sun in the Northern Hemisphere; it's summer! For those Down Under and elsewhere in the Southern Hemisphere, simply enjoy it as it gets cooler. Winter should be in full swing, though snowballs aren't exactly a distinct possibility.

Happy June to you. We all tip our hats (and wigs) to you.
   Regards,
      Professor Pisces and the Kettle

Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler) - A Series Review

I have decided to constrict myself to one ultra long post every week instead of tiny ones every day. Whether anyone cares about what I just said is an entirely different matter. In this case, I'm going to attempt to sound smart while reviewing both seasons of 'Kuroshitsuji', otherwise known as Black Butler.

WARNING: For any viewers who are halfway through the series or haven't watched it, expect spoilers.

*           *          *

Let's start this review with a little summary of the series. Kuroshitsuji was originally produced in 2006 as a Manga by Yana Toboso, and is still continuing now. The Anime series stopped in late 2010 with the conclusion of the second season. The Manga and the Anime differ in plot after the first few episodes, with the Manga having separate arcs. These include the 'Noah's Ark Circus', the 'Murder Case' and currently the 'Weston College' arcs.

The plot is based around Ciel Phantomhive, who lost his parents in a fire that destroyed his home and summoned a demon named Sebastian, who now serves as his butler until he exacts his revenge upon those who killed his parents and tortured him. The plot may sound bad, but this is actually a really good story, especially with the characters and how they help build up the plot. Let me start with the main characters, Ciel and Sebastian.

Ciel is the narcissistic and egotistical thirteen year-old owner of the Funtom Company. After the fire that ultimately killed his parents, he was captured and turned into a slave and almost made to participate in a human sacrifice. It was during the time he was basically killed (it hasn't been mentioned but it's been hinted at) that he made a contract with a demon and ordered him to massacre everyone in the room. However, these people were not the only ones involved in this and he decided from that day on he would hunt down everyone that was involved in that incident and would exact his revenge on them. All of this was decided when he was just ten years old. Wow, I know they tell you to think big at that age, but that's going a bit overboard.

My personal opinion of this character is that he is a dark twist on your average main character, his sole goal in life being revenge. He is a perfect example of 'break the cutie' and 'Adorably Precocious Child'. 

Sebastian is, quite literally, a demon. He was summoned by Ciel to help him exact his revenge. He transformed himself into a butler. He doesn't like his name, as he was named after Ciel's dog (he hates dogs). He usually acts in a polite and basically butler-like manner, but don't go thinking he's a softie. Look at the picture above this text. That was a car he blew up, and the only thing he is actually concerned about is returning home to prepare dinner. Not only is he such a Mary-Sue that we actually like him, but he can use silverware as weapons. A perfect example of this is when he kills a section of the Mafia with plates, forks, spoons and knives while collecting Ciel, who happens to have been kidnapped.

Personally, I think the anime kills off most of Sebastian's more demonic quirks which appear in the original manga (like tearing apart an entire band of zombies while laughing like a nut job) and turn him into nothing more than a fighting bishonen (literally translated as 'pretty boy'). This applies even more when we see parts of Sebastian's demon form when we see stiletto heels... I'm saying nothing other than that he might say: "I'm just a sweet transvestite." This has actually been implied at numerous times by readers and the writer herself (although I'm sure she's just doing it to annoy as many curious readers as possible).

As an overall review of this character, he is so disgustingly fake and unrealistic that we cheer every time he appears. (Well, the girls do, anyway.) Which brings us to the main villain...

This is either Angela or Ash. Truth be told, we're not sure whether this character is officially a male or a female. Angela and Ash are two different personalities, but the one thing that they both have in common is that they both want to 'purify' the world. How do they intend to do this? Simple: By burning it to the ground.

It's really hard to believe that they are actually an angel, but Sebastian hinted at the fact that they are a fallen angel. This little nut job was the main reason for all of Ciel's suffering. It caused him to go through many traumatic events, all for the sake of 'purifying' him. Of course, Sebastian won't let this happen, as Ciel is his next meal. Angela/Ash are heartless and are a perfect example of 'white hair is evil'. If anything sinister or tragic happens in this Anime, it's this angel's fault.

*          *          *

Now for the actual story itself. For me, it started off as rather exciting. In the first part of the first episode, Ciel summons Sebastian. From that episode up until episode five, the plot wanders a bit, with Ciel going off on different cases without actually finding out much. However, the appearance of the Undertaker really starts to get the darker plot going. And hey, what better way to start someone's demise than with the help of an Undertaker?

From the very beginning of the first series, you just know what is going to happen to Ciel, which makes it a typical tragedy story. But it's more than that. This Anime has well-developed characters who can appear goofy and useless, but are more than capable of defending themselves. And it isn't only doom and gloom either. There is a lot of dark humour here, especially when the Undertaker or the Reapers are around. This series can make you both laugh and cry at the same time.

At the end of the first season, you can't help but feel hollow. The one thing you knew was going to happen, but prayed at night wasn't going to happen eventually happened (that's three times in a row) with Ciel's soul being taken and the story ending... Until Season Two happened.

Season Two starts off with two new characters called Alois and Claude, which I won't really bother going into detail about. The characters are certainly interesting, but are nothing compared to the classic Ciel and Sebastian... who return by the time the second episode is out. In this season, Ciel has forgotten all about the revenge he exacted and all about what happened within the last year, so Sebastian has to start from the ground up.

I don't really have much to say about the second season. Sure, I like the characters, but I can't help but feel as though the whole plot was based on a 'What If?' fanfiction. However, it satisfied a lot of fans who couldn't bare seeing the end of Ciel and there is an alternative plot that is subtly added in.

One thing I thought of while watching the entire second season was; is this all just a dream? It appears to have that self-satisfactory feel to it. Maybe the entire of the second season was all Ciel's dying dream as his soul was devoured. If that was the case, then it was a pretty good dream. It fulfills Ciel's dream of needing someone to care about him.

However, another thing that is good about the second series is how most of the psychological aspects set within the plot are proved to actually happen when someone is put in that scenario. A perfect case is the case of Alois Trancy who was sexually abused as a child and flirts with any adult man he can. Sadly, this is how most people would turn out since they would not know how to properly interact with adults. There is also the traumatic case of what happens to Ciel in a particular episode where he is tortured into believing he is Alois Trancy.

However, again, I shall mention that the second season of Kuroshitsuji is a real let down to the original season mainly because of its optimistic ending which really doesn't suit the darker side of Kuroshitsuji and the inevitable fate that should have happened to Ciel. Again, you can just look at all of this as part of Ciel's dying dream instead of something that is actually happening in the world of Kuroshitsuji and he really did have his soul eaten.

You can look at it either way, but I personally find that Kuroshitsuji's ability to mix the supernatural with the realistic and psychological remarkably good to watch and you are certain to want to watch it over and over again. I give this show an 8/10. Well done, Kuroshitsuji, well done.

Sebastian, pouring tea like a boss.

                                                 

This is Rinrei signing off!

Let's See How Smart You Are...

Yes, with all the exams over, I'm posting up as much work as I can. I came up with this a while ago. Bats, if she's reading this, already knows the answer. So, let's see how intelligent you are.

1. Read all the instructions before doing anything.
2. 
   Times six by sixty six.
3. Double this, then divide it by three.
4. Divide this by four.
5. Times this by 21.
6. Times it by five.
7. Divide this by 100.
8. Round this up to the nearest 10.
9. Divide this by four.
10. Half it.
11. Take away three.
12. Don't follow instructions 2-11

So how did you do? At least two people would have failed this.

Signing off!
   A random troll.

The Top Ten Most Disturbing Anime Characters - The Golden-Tooth Doctor

After remembering that this actually existed, I decided that I should continue it, as I hate things being left unfinished. (Note from The Editor: What about your life?) Let me start by saying that I have no idea who Daniel Huber is, but I have met Chuck Huber and he is awesome as heck. Especially with his 'interpretative dancing'.

Anyway, this character is from the show 'Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood'. For those of you who don't know this show, burn in Hell. I shall hunt you down with a spork and torture you until you watch the entire series. I am in the process of doing this to Skald, and am planning on doing the same with Pisces after his 'Anime sucks' comment, which he didn't actually say aloud, but thought rather strongly instead.
The Golden-Tooth Doctor is a minor character in the show that only appears in two or three episodes, but that's enough to leave an impact. If he had been around longer, I might have put him up next to the Major (who he seems a lot like).

Anyway, the Golden-Tooth Doctor is an evil and sadistic man in his 70s who uses little children for experiments (or did) by injecting philosopher stones into their blood stream. This may or may not kill them slowly and painfully, and the entire time he is grinning.

In his later tribute, he uses those kids that are now full-grown men to make another philosopher's stone and tortures one of the main characters, all for the sake of the main villain's plan. Personally, I think he just did it because it was fun.

He only dies because an even more sadistic villain decides he doesn't like him and uses him for a sacrifice. He doesn't mind though, he's still grinning despite the fact he is a blob (except he isn't, but he might as well be).

So, without further ado, here's a picture of the nut job.

Look into his eyes... And tell me he's sane.

Well, let's just say an apple a day keeps the deranged doctor away.

Signing off!
   Rinrei

Concerning Iron Wool

This is a disclaimer to say that Bill's post may well have been a lie, though I cannot guarantee this. All I can say is that the part concerning me is a lie.

First of all, let me point out that I am the furthest from bald that you have ever seen in a person. Matt has likened me to cauliflower (insensitive, but unusually true) while others have, in their own time, called me Afro-Cat and Mop. Some say that my longest work of fiction to date was all about my killing someone - I dispute this: it was the mop who murdered the man. And that was written years ago, back when I had time to spare on haircuts.

Secondly, I have no Iron Wool in my hair, though people (myself included) have speculated as to what actually does reside in my golden locks. I'm pretty sur there is no Iron or Steel Wool in my hair. Deal with it. If there was, then I'm sure I would set off the metal detectors in airports all the time, and seeing as I'm there a fair amount, the lack of that occurring leads us to assume that NO STEEL WOOL EXISTS. Unless, of course, my hair simply threatens to eat the metal detectors unless they lie.

Thirdly, I have hired our good Bill, but not for the given reason. I have hired him to casually and slowly kill Matt, and seeing as to his recent undeadness, one can assume that he first succeeded before slowly failing. This is an error in judgement on his (Matt's) part, as is rather obvious. He should never have been near that radioactive chicken.

Well, now I'm off to prepare to visit France in honour of those who read my blog. Hello, France! We shall be seeing much more of one another rather soon, I'm sure. Come to Paris to meet me. Just don't expect me to a) recognise you or b) care very much.

Until the time of Geel,
   Pisces

Revealing Identities

I'm afraid, everyone, I've been keeping my identity a secret from you, my fellow authors. I am in fact an assassin for hire that will carry out any deadly deed if I get the sufficient amount of coin. In this case, Pisces paid me to... Keep the blog slightly more active. It's not something I specialise in, but I get the income.

But I'm not the only one with secrets. In fact, I've done my fair share of spying on you authors, and I've discovered some very interesting things about you.

First of all, I'm aware that Pisces has an uncanny fear of a Zulu Lawyer inviting him out to play volleyball in the Amazon Rainforest. He's also bald, but he sewed Iron Wool into his scalp and spraypainted it blond.

Secondly, I've come to understand that Matt, when it isn't necessary to act superior, enjoys brushing his teeth in very public places. Also, although he doesn't show it, he loves the name Franz, especially for a slug.

Next we have Rinrei. She enjoys the music of Daniel Auber and finds Lizard People attractive. As well as that, she has a sixth sense which tells her whether or not old folk dislike her.

Now we have EMoC. She has been dead for 15 years now, but her spirit lives on and is currently working for the CIA.

Finally we have The Editor. I've got it; the Editor's secret! And now you'll all know what's behind the ominous being we know as The Eternal Editor. The Editor, believe it or not, is actually sc-ERROR 1252589978090001029384020193040493948 DATA CANNOT BE FOUND.

THIS IS AN INTERNAL ERROR THAT IS THE FAULT OF THE-ETERNAL-EDITOPTER screeshuptinuptitudinal1988680348978987654539016348

Now for More Stuff!

これはまだ私に属していない別の曲ですが、私は好きです。だから私はそれを宣伝している。Google翻訳は、純粋なちんぷんかんぷんにこれを有効にしますが、私は喜んで私が事前に警告を表示しなかったと言うことができます。それでは、お尻からこの爆発を試してみましょう！


Trolololol


aimai 3(sann) senchi
sore PUNE tte koto kai? chou!
na kyuubunka seifuku na furite koto nai? boon! 
ganbacchau? yacchaccha? son tokkya KYACCHI ANDO Release yo
I say (Fuu) I say (Fuu) no tanima ni Darling! Darling! P L E A S E!!


nan kantaru-
nanka deru-
aishiteru-
are-
ikko ga chigatterun run-
nayaminbo-
koutetsubo-
oishinbo-
IIKAGEN NI SHINASAI!!


tondetta aistu mo moteru ka na
datte iwayuru futsuu no onna no ko
ODOROITA!
atashi dake
tonkotsu
harigane
OKAWARI! dadada


BON-BON ouendann Let's get cherry pie!
RAN-RAN kangeikai You've got a sensation!
High!
sonzaikai
tenten shouwakusei
butsukatte
tokimashta
bouzen
ooi ni utatte
SING AND DANCE!


motteike saigo ni waraccharu no wa atashi no hazu
SE-RA-fuku dakara desu
ketsuron


getuyoubi nanoni! kigen waruino dou suru yo?
natsufuku ga iinodesu
kawaii!

seifuku in 3 PI-SUsorya matette chuucho da YAN!
GANBATTE! YEAH!
HORIKITTA! YEAH!
My darling! Darling!P L E A S E!


私はあなたが適切な英語にそれを置けば完全に微妙でありながら、それがたくさんのことを意味するか気づいた。私は誰かが実際に言ったまでそれが意味したものを実現していませんでした。これは子供のショーです！


Have fun, Editor. (This is slight revenge for numerous other times.)


Rinrei