Does Travelling Fowards in Time Affect the Present?

If you read this post, then I assume that you will already have read my previous post 'Time Travel - What You Can And Cannot Do'. If you haven't, then please do so now. If you enjoy headaches and being confused, then by all means just carry one reading. Just a friendly warning.

Time travel is a tricky business. For it to work without causing the universe to implode at every point in the space-time latticework that is our rather tangled reality, you need to assume one of two things, one of which is a completely contradictory statement in the nature that it actually disproves the idea that a time machine could work.

   The complex assumption that must be made in order to get rid of the complications that could arise from meddling with temporal affairs and therefore avoid the falling axehead of Health and Safety is this: The Universe is smart and will make everything work out in the end.

   The other assumption one can make is fairly simple by comparison. It says that I'm talking complete nonsense and that time travel is completely impossible on every level, apart from the usual fixed-acceleration forwards direction.

   If you wish to continue further, I suggest that you accept the former as the truth. If you see the latter as the better explanation of the state of semi-fluid temporal muck you find yourself wallowing in then keep reading anyway, if only for entertainment.

Time travel is, as previously stated, a very tricky business.

   Time is not strictly linear. It's not necessarily a progression from cause to effect. From a rather non-linear, outside-looking-in perspective, it's more like a big, wiggly line. At points, bits loop in on themselves, cross themselves and even seem to bulge extra little loops that lead nowhere but back to the source. The basic reality of time means that, assuming all these ideas are valid and actually work in the four dimensional universe (length, breadth, depth and time) that time travel and its subsequent effects would make things generally rather difficult to follow. It's like East Enders gone temporal instead of temperamental. It's not linear; it's non-linear instead.

   First, to the linear side of things. Normal Time is a straight line. Let us identify six points in time, that we shall assume are fixed. I label these points A through F. (See Fig. 1, and I'm terrible sorry for the quality.)

Fig. 1 - A moves through B onwards in a logical progression until it reaches F.

A------B------C------D------E------F

In the above linear diagram, A leads through each point in a sequence all the way through to F. According to my model of time, this is what happens in what you would call 'Normal Time', ie cause and effect.

   Okey dokey. Every thing's fine and dandy up to this point. Now we move deeper into the realm of what I like to call 'Personal Time' (or non-linear time). Personal Time is how a person, eg a time traveller, would view a chain of events that would otherwise be linear in Normal Time. In the case of one who hops about the space-time continuum, this causes some interesting effects.

   Let us look a cause and effect. The idea of cause and effect is that an event (a cause) has a consequence to it (an effect). In Normal Time, this is lovely and works perfectly (though there are exceptions; they shall be explained at a later date). In Personal Time, this isn't exactly the case. It is and it isn't at the same time. It's a matter of perspective. (For the next section, use Fig. 2 as a reference.)

Fig. 2 - Non-linear Personal Time against Linear Normal Time in a simple diagram.

A------B------C------D

A------D------B------C------D

Say you have a time machine. You travel into the future and, from your point of view, this happens first, as you don't experience the time in between the original and destination temporal points. For the rest of the world, this happens later. (The time traveller has gone from point A straight to point D. Refer to Fig. 2 for guidance.)

    There, in the future, you learn that your favourite cat got run over by a car just hours after you departed for the future. (This has happened in real time already. In the eyes of the world, all that is past.) You rush back in time to save your cat, only to scare it by your arrival so that it runs into the road and gets squashed by a truck. Cause and effect have just gotten muddled up.

   Do you see what just happened? From your perspective, the effect comes before the cause, and in fact the effect caused the cause. Here, the cat had already died and was then caused to die. Yet outside your own little mind, things worked out as per normal, albeit for some strange, inexplicable reasons. You scared the cat, and it ran into the road and died, and you learnt of it later on. Therefore, in the outside world cause and effect workejust like that. In your head, it progressed as effect and cause. Look carefully at that subtle difference. It makes a world of difference.

   The complication of this is that you can suddenly swap around cause and effect. At the same time, this seals what happens. Let me explain.

   Back to the story. There are several mistakes you have made. Firstly, building the time machine, which is the root cause of what happens. Let's leave that one for now.

   Secondly, learning of your cat's fate. You manage to not identify the root cause of your feline friend's untimely death and therefore manage to become the root cause. The problem here is not that you try to stop the cat's death. The fact is that the moment you began your trip forwards, it could never be averted.

   Sir Terry Pratchett, author of the phenomenally successful and brilliantly written 'Discworld' series, once wrote in his book 'The Last Hero' of a thing that he called the 'Uncertainty Principle'. (This is just where I first heard about it - it probably exists elsewhere in another format and he pinched it. If not, good on you, Sir Pratchett!) Please bear in mind that this is NOT the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. That relates to Quantum Mechanics, which I can't be bothered explaining at this present moment.
   To put it basically, it states that there are a near infinite number of futures, and that if you were to look through, say, a time window into just one randomly selected future, it would become the actual future that would occur. Does that make sense? I'll put it another way. Simply having the knowledge of what will happen alters the structure of space-time, effectively straightening it out a little.

   In the analogy of the flattened cat, simply having the knowledge that the cat did get killed led to its death. By looking at the future, you set in concrete what the past is. This is a rather roundabout way of applying the Schrödinger's Cat theory to time. In essence, you change reality by observing it.
   So we can now ask the question that is the title of this article: can you change the present by travelling to the future? The simple answer is 'yes, you can'. If you want an explanation of how all this works, then just scroll up and reread the article.
   Of course, there are more complex questions that are raised by the answering of this query. What would happen if two time travellers, setting of at exactly the same time, were to head into the future? Would the randomly selected future be the same for them both? If not, them how does that work? Unfortunately for you, I'm not at liberty to explore these avenues.
   (Note from The Editor: In other words, he doesn't know.)
   However, what I can do for you is move on to a new question that is very much connected to the one that I have just answered for you. That question is this.


Can you change history?


I'm afraid you'll have to wait until next time on 'Science of a Sort' (yes, that's what this series of articles is called) to find out. Meanwhile, ponder the problem at hand. Who knows, you may even arrive at the same conclusion that I did.
   Until next time... or is it to be last time? Muhahahaha...

Time Travel - What You Can And Cannot Do -

It's a very interesting thing, as a writer, to talk about time travel. It's a very broad subject. It's also full of cliches. Most people simply write about going forwards or backwards in time, changing time and creating paradoxes in the process. The fact is that most authors and columnists, etcetera, etcetera, don't actually think about the general rules of time.
   There are certain things to do with time travel that are assumed to be true among the general public and the theoretical scientific community, who I shall cunningly refer to as 'the boffins'. Here they are, laid out in full. (Not actually in full, you understand. That would take too long. This is really just a list that I took off the top of my head.)

1. Travelling forwards in time does not affect the present.
2. Back-tracking in time means you can change some stuff around. Basically, you can mess with history.
3. Paradoxes are created when the impossible happens, eg you kill your grandfather. Oops.

Now what if I were to tell you that I not only believe these ideas to be incorrect, but can back them up using thought experiments?
   Yes, you're thinking I'm mad. Truth is, I am. However, the mad and the crazy often have insights that others miss. (This is just one of those things.) However, I really do have a good idea of how these concepts should not, will not and cannot work. Over the next few weeks (if not less), I will attempt to explain to you exactly why these concepts are indeed incorrect, as well as laying out some more exotic ideas, in a series of posts labelled 'Time Travel'. Be on the lookout for them.
   I leave you briefly to tell you all that I shall be back very soon, if not before then. Puzzle over these ideas on your own: let them fill your time, your thoughts, your life. May they bleed through into those droll hours in the lecture hall at university or college. Let them permeate your dreams. Generally, get distracted. But a word of warning: don't think about time too hard. It'll give you a headache.
   Anyways, I'll be seeing you all soon in my next time travelling post, where I shall be discussing the Uncertainty Principle and Terry Pratchett's part in bringing it to my attention.

To The Editor from Pisces: You shouldn't read these posts. I wouldn't want you to think too hard. You'll hurt yourself.

From The Editor to Pisces: Ha ha. Hilarious, I'm sure.

Death in Paradise, Episode Seven - An Episode Review

Wow. Another week has flown by, and I almost forgot to write this review. We wouldn't want our beloved Death in Paradise reviews going down the drain like the poor Merlin reviews. (Sniff. I miss Merlin, but not enough to make an effort to bring him back in our reviews. Maybe.)


You should know who these guys are by now, but I'll tell you anyway. From left to right: DI Richard Poole and Camille. And tree in the background.

This time round, a singer in a local group has been murdered just as he chooses to make a dramatic return to the stage. Ironically, he's murdered while lying in a coffin. Supposedly he committed suicide, but Richard's not convinced. Camille just thinks he wants the case to be more complicated than it is. Then evidence comes to light that reveals that he was, in fact, murdered.
   Of course, not much is as it seems. Soon, Richard must face the music (terrible pun, sorry 'bout that) and listen to what he might describe as bad beats if he had that sort of sense. Now he has a distraught daughter (not his, you daft folk), a rather annoyed load of band members and a snake on his hands...

This episode is a rather funny one in several respects. First of all, we find that Richard has a certain phobia, which is made use of throughout the episode to a comic effect. There's a raucously funny scene in which Camille is a little bit mean in order to get some laughs. I particularly enjoyed that part. It's the first time I've ever seen Richard look truly scared.
   The plot is an interesting one. A murdered singer revealed as a corpse onstage in a rather bad moment that is an error of judgement on the part of the killer is an interesting idea and certainly undeniably murder, or in this case, supposed suicide. Premature death, let's say. Anyway, his entrance is rather the thing to talk about, and makes for an interesting investigation. It's an alright plot, but not as good as previous ones I have seen and heard of.
   Actually, that's pretty much all there is to say. I can't find much more.

All in all, not brillinat, but interesting all the same. The plot was cool, but there wasn't enough evidence available for a viewer to draw his/her own conclusion via accepting particular evidence samples. There was very little of that. This sort of thing annoys me most greatly.
   So it is that i shall rate this episode 6.5 on the right scale of awesome-omity. Don't argue; my word is final. That is, if The Editor doesn't disagree. Heheheh. Better not annoy him, huh?
   The last episode is on TONIGHT (Tuesday 13/12/2011), so watch it after this one.

Phlegmon and Eldercows

Yo peasantries.
   I'd like to begin by saying that lemon and elderflower sparkling juice is the worst thing to come into contact with my tongue since raw quail eggs.
   I'd also like to begin by saying gargantua.
   This is still the beginning, and I would like to continue on it with green paint and a spatula. If you have not tried toast with green paint, then you are probably fine. If you have, I suggest stripping to your skin (or further, if at all possible), running into the street and beginning to sing various songs as loud as your lungs will accept. Or louder. If you are silly enough to eat green paint you should probably go louder. I doubt that anyone would miss you.
   That aside, I'd like to begin by apologising for the lack of content. I'd like to say I have a reasonable excuse, because I do. Though that depends on your definition of reasonable. I am lazy. Can't get more reasonable than that.
   Anyway, I'd like to begin by telling you a short story. Read carefully, there will be questions afterwards. And you aren't allowed to cheat, although, to be quite honest, the only punishment for cheating is guilt. And it's a well established fact that guilt causes globabl warming. So, if the penguins all spontaneously combust, you know who to blame. Unless they travel to your house before combusting. Then you can only blame yourself.
   Okay, so I'd like to begin with this story, which I mentioned in the beginning. Pixies* and I were walking. It was not a very interesting walk. It could have been interesting. But it wasn't. Nor was it so boring that I ripped my eye sockets out through my eyeballs. If it was that boring then it would have been interesting. Anywhale shark, as we walked this uninteresting walk, a thought struck me like a cat pounces on a charging bull. This thought was not elaborate, but nonetheless one of the most important questions that has ever manifested itself into my brain.

What would happen if I just turned to Pixies and inhaled him with my eyeballs?

I thought about this for no seconds before turning to the flan himself and asking him. He looked at me quizzically, as if he was giving it some thought, then in a puzzled tone said: "What!?"
   He then went on to say how he couldn't do much if he had been inhaled. I waited a moment before delivering my response, because it is a well established fact that the more irrelevant an answer is to the current situation, the more mysterious and deep you appear. After I had waited through three whole seconds, I turned back to flanman and said, "I think my eyes would hurt."

Anysponge, I'd like to begin by saying the cows make for good sponges, if you can get them into your sink and avoid electrocuting them.
   To begin with, I'd like to say that cheese and chocolate is very rich.
   As this is the beginning, I would like to begin by saying goodbye.

P.S. I have an experiment. Very few people will understand.

Q: What do you call Captain Heave Ho?
A: Ugly!
Highlight that to learn the truth. Buhbye now.

Professor Layton and the Curious Village - A Game Review From The Professor

Okay, so this is the Kettle's first ever game review to air, unless somebody else has beaten me to it. Before I start, I just want to lay some ground rules. In my (emphasis on the 'my' here - I'm not going to edit the layout of other people's reviews) game reviews, I'm setting it out in an orderly fashion with a logical basis. I've split it into parts: General information ('What's it all about'?), how the game feels to play ('Gamplay'), extra bits and bobs to do with the game ('Extras') and the ratings ('Rating'). Hoping you enjoy it, I'll pass you over to myself.

I've had an idea and I'm hoping it will work. Rinrei and I both love the Professor Layton Nintendo DS games, so I decided that a pair of reviews with both of our opinions in them would be nice. This is my side of the review. Enjoy the fireworks as the possible clash of opinions takes place!

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you the first of a possible load of game reviews. For this one, I shall be reviewing the Nintendo DS game 'Professor Layton and the Curious Village'.

Shown above is the box in which the games arrives. A fairly sombre cover, but I assure you, delight lies within. Spot the Layton.

What's it all about?
Professor Layton and the Curious Village is the first in a series of games manufactured for the Nintendo DS in which the player must guide the characters, Professor Hershel Layton and Luke Triton, through the story in the hope of solving a mystery. The mystery is solved by exploring different areas and solving puzles, of which there are many varieties and types. Players gain special points from solving these puzzles, known as 'Picarats'. These go towards bonuses at the end.
   The plot is not as simple as is made out to be on the box; rather the gameplay beats about the bush at times. The underlying idea beneath it all is that Layton and Luke are summoned by a certain Lady Dahlia to the quaint little town of St Mystere to help solve an inheritance dispute. The late Baron, a very rich man, has died, and certain people want their fair share of the loot. Unfortunately for them, the Baron was not a man who liked things to be easy: in his will, he left a clue that, if solved, would grant the solver the Baron's fortune. This clue refers to a 'Golden Apple' that no-one has ever seen or heard of before. Layton is charged with the task of finding the Golden Apple.
   So begins brilliant journey along a path fraught with puzzles, danger and cats.

Gameplay
When I played the game, I found that the beginning was rather abrupt. It didn't really tell us who the characters were - it sort of left that to be explained and built upon later on. Instead of a nice, simple cutscene of moderate length, it gives the player a rather long conversation between Layton and Luke. The lack of cutscene in this bit of the game makes it a slightly tedious, though most informative, part of the game. However, it leaves out some of the most essential info of all: who the heck are these guys? This is possibly an effort on the part of the producers to create what we writers call a 'hook' - something that 'hook's you in. Still, if this is so then it's an annoying and simply unnecessary one. If I've bought/rented the game, I'm playing it all the way through, if only to get my full money's worth of product. Anyway, all of this is before the credits have even rolled, so I'll not dwell.
   The rest of game is brilliant. The beginning of the actual story and therefore the adventure is rather slow, taking you around the village in search of a certain animal of feline sort. I do believe this is more an attempt to help the gamer to get to grips with the environment and explore some more of the village than anything else. This rather back and forth sort of gameplay makes up a good part of the first half of the game, before certain clues are found that advance the case and make life a whole lot more interesting.
   So how is the game played? Well, because it is a game designed solely for use upon the Nintendo DS, the creators have obviously decided to make everything touch screen oriented. Clues are found by either tapping promising objects or areas with the stylus or solving puzzles, again using the stylus. All the main action takes place on the touch screen, whereas the top screen is used mostly to alert you as to where you are on the map, display puzzle information or show you a nice picture during a conversation with, say, the butler. This excessive use of the touch screen works very well with the format of the game. Lettering and number recognition tech integrated into the programming translates written answers into numbers and/or letters, depending on the puzzle and how good or bad your writing is. I am ashamed to say that this accidental misinterpretation of a letter 'Y' as a very strangely written 'X' has in fact resulted in the loss of several dozen Picarats of puzzle points. This is a rather annoying feature, but there is really no way around it other than to check very carefully that your answer has been correctly written into the system.
   The sheer variety of puzzles available means that there is a puzzle here for everyone, no matter what sort of intelligence you may or may not be in possession of. Shifting block, logic, mental imaging and by process of elimination type puzzles are all around, if you know where to look. Not much mathematical know-how is needed at all, and potential gamers should bear this in mind when looking at a puzzle that looks like it needs Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity to solve it. The answer's often in plain sight, and much simpler than you would think. Puzzlers, bear this in mind. It's probably listed as cheating to bear this fact in mind whilst playing such a game, but even so, it's good to know. (I'm using an interesting new thing called common sense here. That's another thing that comes in useful when playing this game.) Despite this, there are puzzles that do need at least a little mathematical knowledge to pass through them.
   When you're finished the game, the fun doesn't end. Through either a) scouring every single scene in the whole of the game or b) using Granny Riddleton's Shack (don't even ask) you can set yourself the challenge of finding and completing every single puzzle in the game. Doing so means finishing several extra challenges, which present themselves in the form of minigames, which unlock special puzzle sets that can be accessed outside the actual game. (I'll explain that later.) Even so, it's not an easy task. It gets really rather frustrating when you're scanning a scene for the ten millionth time trying to find that one last puzzle. However, I think the sheer satisfaction you gain from having completed every single puzzle more than covers the potential hardships you may find yourself in the midst of.

Extras
There are a number of other things in this game that merit a mention. Firstly, let's look at the music. Throughout the game, one tune or another is constantly playing, unless there is a suspiciously quiet cutscene or possibly a large amount of background silence during a remarkably short or important conversation. This could be viewed by many people to be a good thing, but there are downsides to having the same track looping constantly while you're attempting to solve a particularly difficult puzzle. With French influences evident throughout the music, you know that you're never going to listen to some proper accordian music again without thinking of a top hat and a small child dressed in blue. In short, the music annoys you after the tenth run through and stays with you forever after.
   Secondly, let's have a look at the graphics and the art involved. Beautiful hand-drawn characters fill your screen no matter where you are: the town square, the sewers, in the middle of a conversation and, of course, throughout the various cutscenes insinuated throughout the game. Being drawn in a Japanese style that I think could be refered to as manga (in a way; it has subtle influences but doesn't have the massive eyes and pin-sharp chins). Each character appears to have some sort of exagerated feature. For example, the Professor has an oversized hat, Luke is small and a little bit dense at the best of times and Duke is exceedingly tall with a very square chin. The charming characters really do make the game half of what it is. Of course, at least a quarter of this can be attributed to the quality of the background images and the scenery. Very fine work has gone into every scene so that each one contains some sort of hidden thing to look for. Then there's the cutscenes. Lovely animation has been made good use of here: smooth transitions, tailor-made music for each and voicing that actually matches the movements made by the character's mouths all add up to make a wonderful little collection of films. No wonder they went on to make themselves a movie of the fourth adventure released ('The Eternal Diva'). So the graphics are good, and the art is admirably excellent.

Rating
This game is truly fantastic. Combining elements of complete surrealness with an element of charm, wit and good old-fashioned detective work (despite the only official detective in the story not really doing his job), this game makes for an all-round brilliant experience. I would reccommend this game to any DS owner with a love of puzzles, general mystery or good taste.
   Despite this being one of the best games I've ever played in my life so far, it doesn't quite reach the 10/10 mark for a simple reason that lies in the following word: replayability. (Editor, I'm pretty sure that's a word. Get over it.)
   The game has limited replayability due to the fact that the human brain retains a lot of a) simple b) useless or c) simply useless, ie trivial information. The answers to many of the puzzles involved in this game are retained by simple humanity, especially when you start telling your friends puzzles and betting that they can't solve them all on their own. There are certain puzzles that contain an element of luck in them (eg. the one where you swap balls around on a marble solitaire board in order to end up with one ball left), but most are ones in which you can remember the answer just by looking at them. (For me, these are usually multiple choice or one-word answers.) However, if this is the only downside to this game, then the creators have done exceedingly well indeed.
   I'm giving this an 8.9 on my scale. As the esteemed Professor would say, in a rather nonplussed sort of way, "Indeed."

Rinrei's Rants - No. 1

I don't take myself seriously. I really should, but I don't.
That is what makes life fun. I can break as many rules as I please and not feel any guilt or remorse. This is shown throughout my art and my writing. Even as you read this, you are seeing the many errors of my writing skill. I don't mind though... in fact, I enjoy it.
If I want to draw a space cowboy with hot pants and a machine gun then, sure as heck, I will draw a space cowboy with hot pants and a machine gun. Some people frown upon my randomness and take time to make sure it's dulled down. This is good for the audience and good for me as I need to keep up a good reputation.
However, I have also been known for being a critic. If you had read my post to do with a certain 'story', you would see my skills for being a critic. I could care less about the grammar, though. I'm no gifted writer. I just write for the sake of writing.
Lately, I have been given the orders to review certain stories and review them I do. No names shall be mentioned and no fingers shall be pointed, but some stories are bad. Just bad. I cling onto my mouse for dear life as I am forced to read chapter after chapter of badly written stories with only four sentences throughout ten pages.
To those of you that are in the Writer's Group (you all know who you are), you will know what I am talking about. I am fine with gay marriages and relationships; I always have been. But this story was so bad that it made me what to massacre every gay couple within a ten mile radius of me!
Not only was the grammar so bad that it made me want to strangle myself with a skipping rope, oh no, the main characterswas a Mary-Sue. Mary-Sue (for those of you who don't know) is a character that is so unbelievably perfect and fake that it would make Chuck Norris cry. Usually they are given a whole lot of useless description about how perfect and beautiful they are. They are given no faults and they have everyone dropping at their feet. They also end up sleeping with every character in the story. All the characters love them and if their lover ends up more interested in someone else, then that person is brutally killed. They are what all beginner writers start with. More experienced writers are forced to tell them of the horrors of having a Mary-Sue in their story and what it will do to their story.
Anyway, this horror had both a Mary-Sue and grammar so bad that not even The Eternal Editor would be able to make it good. There was no sense of time and one paragraph took an entire page. While my dear friend, Skald, proceeded to torture me with this horror, I was stabbing a pen furiously into my paper pad; destroying my amazing story in the process.
Professor Pisces is a better person to speak to about this story, because after the second page I had run out of the room screaming about how much I hated that story.
So, please, if you are ever going to write anything please fix the obvious errors so people are not forced to endure bad grammar and endless paragraphs.
I might appear to be useless when it comes to observing stories as I have little talent in creating such things without doing something stupid to the story, but I can sense when something is amiss. Don't go saying how your character isn't perfect because she's something on the outside but something else on the inside. No. Just no. No one likes a 'physically strong, mentally weak, long-haired beauty'; none of us need all that detail again and again. If you want your character to be good, make her physically weak (ie. she has a club foot) and mentally strong. Also, don't make every character in the story fall in love with them! Another hint to those who still think their character is perfectly fine, having rainbow-coloured hair and pink eyes is neither natural nor pretty.
Having a natural hair and eye colour is fine, and just saying the colour is fine too, but don't push it. Just because they have green eyes, doesn't give you a right to call them 'emeralds'. Hate to stick it to you painfully, but no one needs to hear your poetic skills in a book. If they wanted poetic terms then they would have picked up a book of poems. Your story does not revolve around how perfect or gifted your character is. Think about it. Pick up a good book and see how it's really done!

Anyway, that's my rant over.
Signing off,
Rinrei

On Editing, Effervescence and Egrets

You know, editing isn't as easy as it sounds, seems or looks. When you look at a piece of writing like I do, you spot mistakes like a prospector does flecks of gold. You overlook some, but then you find the nugget that starts off the rush, and soon enough you have yourself a fortune in mistakes. You clear them up, bag them and send them off to never be seen again.
Of course, I don't make my fortune fixing mistakes, and it is logically impossible to contain something that isn't actually tangible, material, substantial. Errors are my field. I deal with the immaterial, the intangible, the insubstantial and quasi-nonexistent universe that forms up the dreaded faults that surface in your writings like bubbles from a strip of magnesium dropped in acid (that's called effervescence, for those of you who want to know). They may take a minute to form as you continue to write, but nevertheless, they are there, in a sort of to-be-or-not-to-be sort of way. Mistakes always lurk around the corners; the trick is to work out whether they are going to jump you or not.
Some people find it easy to avoid gross errors and such, but others find it a real problem. Who hasn't been up against some sort of essay with a sentence that gets flagged up time and time again on Microsoft Word's irritating (not to mention incorrect, in most cases) spelling and grammar checker? Let us return to the analogy that I began not two minutes ago. A robber lurks behind the door to the building that you must enter. You know he will rob you of possessive apostrophes and full stops. What must you do? You must take up arms against the enemy. If you know that you can't do this in an effective manner, then hire someone who can. In the case of the Kettle, that someone is me.
I, The Eternal Editor, do not claim to rid posts, stories and dialogues of all their flaws. My job is but to minimise the number of them. Take the egret, for instance. Anyone who has seen an egret up close will know that they are lovely, elegant white birds. (At least, that's the sort I've been looking at.) They appear flawless: their perfect feathers folded back, their beaks long and straight, tapering to a lovely point. Then they take flight, and they look completely unsuited to the air, their thin necks unbalancing them and their legs flailing like things that flail. Such are novels and the like. They may appear flawless, but they still don't always work as they should. That's why editors exist: so that errors otherwise unseen while the story's on the ground can be taken care of.
This is The Eternal Editor, saying never fear. Never fear, for help is near, your friends can help if you choose to yelp, and this little ditty is really quite sh... bad.
Expect more from me in the future, and remember as you read past and future posts that I have had a hand in the creation of all of them.
Bidding you happy editing, great writings, bubbly plots and birds of all shapes, sizes and colours, this is The Eternal Editor signing off... for now. Muhahahaha...

Twilight - The Review

Ha ha. Yes. I have now decided to become a masochist and review something which has been reviewed maybe too many times by too many peole before: The Twilight Saga.
   You may or may not want to read this, but I will warn you now that there are some brilliant reviews on this book already floating around the Internet. For instance there is Nerimon's hilarious youtube videos (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2L253VLwH3w) or the magnificent Uncensored Twilight Reviews by "Doitforthelulz" on Deviantart (http://doitforthelulz.deviantart.com/gallery/29983641).
   So I doubt my review will be as wonderful as those but I'm going to try. But I'm trying later as today is the day when I shall dress up as an elf and make a fool of myself.
   See you.

Editing Eternal - The Eternal Editor

There's been a lot of stuff flying across the blog recently talking about the new member that I've been thinking about hiring. Well, I say hire. I actually mean force into the madness that is 'A Whole Different Kettle of Fish'.
   Yep, you all know what's coming next. We have yet another new member.
   The Eternal Editor has joined myself, Matt, Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers and Rinrei as authors of the blog, although you shouldn't really expect many posts from him. This is due to the fact that he's just here to edit out the majority of errors that occur in everyone else's posts. However, providing he does his job properly, I may just allow him to have his very own column.
   I'm sure that The Editor shall keep this blog running as well as is humanly possible. I've handed The Editor administration priveleges, which basically means he can do whatever he wants on the site. I'm trusting him to only do what's necessary and to stick to his duties most strictly.
   Let's give our newest member a big, warm welcome! Ladies and gentlemen, The Eternal Editor!
   The Eternal Editor's profile will be appearing on the 'About the Kettle' page very soon indeed. If I don't write it, he will instead. Alas, The Editor isn't the most creative soul. He just cleans up the mess that is the residue of creativity.
   Anyway, that's The Eternal Editor. Best of luck to you, Editor, because I'm pretty sure that Rinrei already doesn't like you and is going to make a point of putting the maximum number of mistakes in all her posts. I do not envy your appointed task.
   Regards, Professor Pisces

A Day in the Life of... Rinrei

I'm just going to do this so I have more than three posts in a row. Leave this one in the state it is in so that all may see what Pisces and The Eternal Editor have to work with. I personally don't think my grammar is that bad. I have seen worse (check out one of my reviews to see my comments on a story with REALLY bad grammar). Anyway... this is just to show what my partners have to deal with and to show you what my daily life consists of (on a Saturday):-

0930 - Greet the day by punching the sun.

1000 - Close all the curtains in the house to avoid the light.

1030 - Go online and laugh at the Nostalgia Critic's reviews. Prepare reviews for the Kettle before
            deleting them just to spite Pisces.

1100 - Greet brother with a fist to the face. Proceed to have a battle to the death with him.

1200 - Make new friends from the pieces of the old ones.

1300 - Eat lunch made from the souls of the idiots who entered my house. Fools.

1400 - Attempt to write a story and fail miserably. Sometimes the right answer is Napalm. What the original
           question was, no-one can be sure.

1430 - Take a nap. If someone wakes you up, put them to sleep and make sure they won't wake up.

1440 - Go to the good guy's lair. Is the grass greener on the other side? If yes, burn the other side's grass.

1500 - Return to house and get sugary treats. Then go online again.

1700 - Animals? Unprocessed meat.

1800 - Another nap.

1900 - Prepare more possible reviews, then kill them with fire.

2100 - End the day by snap-kicking the moon.

That's basically my dull and ordinary Saturday. Anyway, this should show you what my friends have to deal with.

The WriMo Journals - Part Three

It's morning, so I have plenty of time to do this. (So Professor, stop sending messages to my Inbox which already has a hundred messages in it.) Anyway... from where we last left off.

Pisces takes a moment to turn into a Buddhist monk as I investigate the reason for the birds silence.

After having an interesting conversation with the silent bird, I return to my seat and claim two sweets from Pisces' bag. This is frowned upon by Pisces and this is shown by the removal of the precious bag of sweets. As a result, I take my revenge by stealing a cookie he was planning on eating. Skald's Godsister comes in and begins to question our purposes. We give her roughly five options to choose from; all of which are correct. She takes a seat on the sofa as she watches Skald and Pisces' arguing about Skald's ability to catch up to Pisces' word count so quickly. I know very well why he is catching up so quickly, as not only is he listening to inspiring music but he is using all of his fingers to type instead of two. I join Skald's Godsister in watching this argument.

Skald's Godsister leaves, just as Pisces stands up and attempts to suck in dust particles in the distance. In order to get him to settle down we decide to say we have slowed time for him to be able to write faster than Skald. With this thought in mind, Pisces decides that he shall send back his future self in the future and enter Skald's home with an army of people who are also him, and then give Skald a black eye. This conversation never ends but, in fact, gets mixed up with all of our other conversations.

I pause to crawl on the ground as Skald and Pisces begin to talk about their unusual hair styles. As a result of me humming 'I Wave My Hair Back and Forth' we all get into a competition of shaking our hair commenting on how Skald looks like a girl without his glasses on before being forced to write, yet again. Only half an hour has passed since I last checked the time.

I get bored of my chair and decide the floor is much more comfortable to sit and read on. Skald and Pisces question my location. I quickly direct them into a conversation about aeroplane seats and leather sofas then proceed to watch the conversation develop.

A few minutes pass of this unusual conversation before I silence them and make them write yet again. I do this by taking my old seat again and glaring at them with my visible eye. Pisces briefly rolls his head against the keyboard before writing again. I comment on his writing as his official editor (although I could never do the grammar), knowing that my skills will leave him with fewer words and leave even less space between the amount of words Skald and he had written. I relish seeing his reaction. I lean over his shoulder and check the time; it's 3.40 PM.

As Writer's Block kicks in again I start a conversation about the appearance of The Fifth Day (you would have to have read earlier posts to understand this). So far, Pisces and I have decided it is a clown with a revolver gun, a Viking hat and long hair (reference to Skald, who has been the main individual forcing us to write), which shall comment on how Pisces has not got enough words and how Skald could change regions so he could do less work. Pisces comments on how I would be standing next to this clown laughing at their suffering. In a desperate attempt to defend himself from the madness that is Writer's Block, Pisces steals the Viking hat to reveal my sleep deprived eyes and grudge hair. I quickly take the hat back.

We talk about brilliant endings for our stories, which brings us into giggling fits of true madness. Then, we talk about words that are not real which we could place in our NaNoWriMo stories. The WriMo Dragons give us accusing looks as they frowns upon these thoughts. I take a sweet just to spite it.

As my partners proceed to do a word count again, we think about our reasons for distracting Skald from his writing. The Viking hat completely covers the upper part of my face as Skald's Godsister comes in and spots me out of the corner of her eye. I am official claimed the most mentally disturbed of the group due to my wearing Pisces' Viking hat.

Pisces asks my opinion on a particularly gruesome moment in the story, but since I am used to gore and horror, I fail to notice what could possible be wrong with the story. With my opinion being useless, he tries to talk to Skald. Skald ignores him completely. Due to his lack of comments, Pisces writes gibberish on the computer instead. I come to realize that all communication between Skald and Pisces has been severed as they reach their final hour. This leaves me chuckling in the corner, adding to Pisces' presumption that I may, in fact, be The Final Day in physical form.

Pisces blows the sweet wrappers across the table as Skald's Godsister comes in again, this time going to the door to collect two of her clones. Skald is disappointed as he presumed it was Pisces' future self come to punch him. I laugh some more. As the clones come in they locate us. We become their targets. It's even more frightening when they all look at you to make you feel the the terror contained within their soulless eyes of doom.

Pisces begins to type his own morbid thoughts onto the computer. These thoughts involve shoving the WriMo Dragon down his throat. Skald takes a moment to enter the kitchen. Apparently, he is less welcome in his house than I. While he is away Pisces and I begin to talk about Star Wars, again.

We then begin to talk about the horror of an enemy's story, whom we shall call 'President' for now. We begin to make snarky and cruel comments about the story; I have claimed the reward for having the most evil comments. After this, my companions begin to write again. I take my spot on the floor and begin to read.

After reading, I take my seat and crack some bones. Pisces' hat is stolen and moved around the table. Penguins are mentioned often as I attempt to steal another sweet and fail miserably. We give the evil children of doom nightmares with our talks on the truth about Viking hats and what the WriMo Dragons would do if we stopped writing. This is my revenge against the evil children, for I am the only one that can be truly evil.

Pisces talks about one of his dreams in which he was battling an enemy of incredibly short stature with a scalpel; another sign of what NaNoWriMo has done to his state of mind. Bats comes downstairs and give me a brief nod of understanding before going into the kitchen.

With a comment about plastic being tasty from Pisces, I shove a penguin down his throat. Bats and the evil children of doom come back into the dining room and target Skald with their soul-devouring questions of death. According to information released by Bats, he has less time than Pisces because he has to press a button at the Church soon. He is very stressed about this and yells a lot. He later reveals that he plans to type his story onto the Church computer. This is enough to frighten the evil children of doom. They walk out of the room.

Pisces and I go into the living room to teach the bird how to sing. In fact, he sings worse now. That would be my fault. As we come back, Skald shows Pisces a YouTube video. I sit down and write of the current events.

Soon enough, nuclear wars come into discussion. I claim that I have nothing to fear as I have already created a nuclear war bunker. There are only two penguins left on the plate and only forty minutes until our time is up.

Skald goes upstairs. While he is upstairs we type on his computer:

Hi Skald, I have possessed your computer. Love Erebus. (This is the very same Erebus as runs the 'Ides of February' website.)
The results were interesting.

Pisces' hat is stolen yet again as he scrapes the upside down horn against the table then puts it back on my head. The evil children of doom are making an evil gingerbread house in the kitchen, plotting to steal our souls with its enchanting smell. I break the spell by pointing out that it smells like it's been burnt and therefore,save our souls, although I doubt I shall be able to protect us next time they cast an evil spell of death.

We talk about books again. The conversation does not last long, as Writer's Block proceeds to attack Pisces again and he takes the hat back. I am immune to the relentless beating of Writer's Block and proceed to beat him up instead.
As the results of the failed experiment enter the room, we begin to talk about food and women's names. I take the hat and the Writer's Block regains all its previous strength and beats Pisces until he is bashing his head against the computer. I force the hat back onto his head then have another mental battle with the Writer's Block. It attempts to claim Skald as its new target, but Skald has blocked it out with music. The Writer's Block goes out the window to prevent us from having the snow we so desperately need. I pick up my cup as a weapon in case the Writer's Block is foolish enough to come back again.

The evil children of doom come in again, this time with a new plan in mind. They attempt to steal our WriMo Dragons in order to possess them with evil spirits, but Skald battles them with interesting comments before sneaking them out of their hands without them realising. With a final look at me, they leave. I know they will be after me next.

Pisces slips his head onto the desk, so I do him a favour and force the helmet painfully onto his head before he experiences the delusions of the WriMo Dragon talking to him. The Writer's Block stands behind him talking in a high pitched voice. I punch the Writer's Block in the face and force Pisces back to work. We only have twenty minutes left before we are freed.

Leaving Pisces to battle the Writer's Block on his own, I call my Mum. I claim a penguin and begin to pack my bag. I show the Writer's Block the inside, then snap the bag shut. It attempts to fight it's way out, but I keep the bag shut. This bag already has a demon inside it. They should be happy together.
With Pisces not knowing what I have done for him, I bid him adieu and leave. I talk about the day's events with my mother as we leave the caution zone. I spend the rest of the night wondering about the fate of my companions. I keep the lid shut on the Writer's Block.

The next day I find out that both of my friends have finished their NaNoWriMo novels. As I return home, I open the lid on the Writer's Block to allow it to bring its chaos back to the world. It seems it has taken to me, as every time I write it battles against me. Even as I write this I am in the middle of a battle with the Writer's Block, which has reverted to a tiny form. I can never be beaten by Writer's Block; he shall have to wait until next year before he is capable of causing any damage.

Barbie Dolls and Hurricanes

It is indeed a weird title, but those are what I have been fighting with the past week. Not only that but deadlines. DEADLINES! Deadlines for chapters in stories on my online profiles on different websites and comics I have been forced into doing (I tell a lie. I chose to do them. I thought I could do it). Anyway, along with the Christmas shopping (which I will probably do on Christmas eve), I have to play the entire of the 'Curious Village' and 'Emily Strange- Strangerous' in order to get a nice long review on the blog. For now I leave it up to Matt and the Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers to fill my space. Did I mention the Eternal Editor? No? WELL DON'T DELETE THIS, OR I SHALL HAVE TO TELL PISCES ABOUT WHAT YOU DID AND WHAT I WROTE! Anyway. Signing off.

FOOLS! See you later.
Rinrei

Christmas Time

Hello my friends. I know it has been a long time unless you count that rather short message I posted a while ago. Maybe you have all completely forgotten who I am but do not despair. The operation is still moving forward as planned.
   My servants friends, I have decided  that today I shall be reviewing the lovely month of December in all its glory: the good and the bad. I plan to make this extra long so that the Professor will behave and stop telling me to be more active because let's face it, during the operation I will be in a room miles away pushing little models with a stick.
   So anyway, December. It's a very special month, isn't it? Due to mass advertising, many companies think they can use Christmas as a way of making people think that their product is the best damn thing in the world simply because their advert features Santa. One of the best adverts I feel for showing this is the advert for 4music - a music channel which I feel is utterly useless - where they portray many Santas in a 'Santa Rehabilitation Centre' and have included nothing about music or any artists. Advertising, I think, is one of the many things that have made people hate this wonderful holiday.
   And on that subject there is the music.Who has not wanted to tear out their eardrums with burning hot wires whenever they hear the absolute torture that is 'Sleigh Ride'? One of my rather tall friends at school is in danger of having his throat ripped out as he has managed to find one hundred different Christmas songs, and we don't like Christmas songs. I'm not saying that I do not occasionally like to hear a little 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town', but to all shops out there: WE DO NOT NEED TO HEAR IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHILE WE SHOP FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNERS!!!
   Yes. I call Christmas Christmas. Deal with it.
   I do love the food though. Turkey leaves much to be desired, but the rest of the food is delicious. Pigs-in-Blankets, Roast Potatoes, that weird cauliflower and cheese thing my dad makes every year, etc, etc. Christmas is a natural way of storing the much-needed stuff that will keep us going through winter, ie it's a way of making ourselves fat with Mince Pies. Christmas, like many other traditional holidays, is a full-on 'I'm going to stuff my face with food' holiday.
   But we all know the reason why Christmas is too stressful for us humans. That reason is buying presents for people. Every year since I was thirteen I have placed it upon myself to buy all the Christmas presents for my friends. Also, since I was thirteen I haven't had a decent night's sleep in December. The choice of what to get people is endless: should you get something practical for your friends that they'll use over and over again (in my case, pens)? Or should you get them something full of novelty which only they shall see the humour (in my case, a mushroom)? Maybe something home-made will suffice (I don't have a case for this). Or you could just get them chocolate to add to the extra weight that they will collect at Christmas Dinner? Those are the main things you can get for your friends. There is also the case of picking something of the right value. You don't want to give someone some chocolate that cost you £3 and then they give you an expensive ornament that they found in Harrods that they knew was for you. It's like trying to fish for tuna with your bare hands in shark infested waters. Pick the wrong one and suddenly you've lost something important. Wait too long and you will still lose.
   I know I have been complaining quite a bit here, but the truth is I actually love Christmas. I love seeing the general Christmas films that end up on TV and I do get a nice feeling out of giving people presents. And also it's nice seeing that people do in fact care for you enough to send you a card or a present. Also, the Professor complains all the time in his so-called 'insights', so why can't I?
   Christmas rules, peeps!

Home Alone - A Film Review

It's December, and everyone who celebrates Christmas is getting into the festive spirit. For me, that means bringing out the Advent Calendars, arguing about the Christmas Tree decorations and watching some Christmas-y films. I decided to start out with Home Alone.



Kevin in the foreground, with Marv and Harry behind him.



Home Alone is the rather charming story of a kid, Kevin, who gets left at home when his family goes on their winter holidays. Being the youngest in the family, he doesn't really get on with people. Also, he doesn't think much of being away over Christmas. Therefore, after an argument with his mother, he wishes that his family would all disappear.

   Bang! They leave in the morning for their plane and Kevin gets left behind in the mad rush for the taxi to the airport. Being as they are very stressed over catching their aerial transport, the family don't notice that he's gone until they have arrived at the destination. Surprise, surprise, Kevin's mother is distraught and plans to go home and get him.

   Meanwhile, Kevin is enjoying the peace and taking matters into his own hands. However, at the same time, a pair of criminals, 'The Wet Bandits', are planning to burgle the house and take the goods. Kevin realises their plan and, desperate not to be noticed as an easy target because he's just one kid, puts into action some elaborate and clever plans to ward them off.

   When the burglars don't fall for it, Kevin must save his home from the robbers via use of a brilliant range of traps designed to deter the robbers. Can he save the house...?

Despite being a fairly old film by this point in time, it's still well worth watching and can easily be enjoyed by people of all ages. It's a 'family comedy', so this effect can be expected by the viewer. (Well, duh. Family comedies aren't likely to be rated 'R' for violence, gore and explicit language, are they?) The tale of Kevin, the boy who was left home alone, is a general feel-good film filled with classic slapstick comedy moments and interspersed with stuff to do with family.
   The storyline is a wonderful idea: leave a primary school child at home with no peers to tell him what to do, then sit back and watch the fireworks. As a child, Kevin doesn't actually grasp the situation until a little way through the film. The philosophy 'you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone', to paraphrase a little, means a lot here. The slow realisation that he has to do everything himself is one of the more subtle elements of the film.
   Of course, there are two sides to the same coin, and the other side of this film's subtlety is it's in-your-face style humour. Literally. In this particular film, the bad guys get a good beating from a small child. On the TV, that's always a fun thing to watch. In reality, they would have to have an ambulance standing by. Honestly, the beating those guys sustain from Micro Machines, cans of paint thrown from the banister and tarantulas is seemingly never ending. I admire those men for their sheer determination in trying to burgle that house. If you tried to burn my hand, drop irons on my head, push me down the icy steps to the house and drop me from a tightrope, I'd probably give up after the first few traps had been sprung. Who could say otherwise? Either those criminals are stupid or they're just pretty damned determined.
   The characters are good: Kevin is a sort of atypical child who seems to have a greater sense of responsibility than some adults. He does learn a lot of lessons the hard way though, like why not to watch adult movies when you're something like eight years old. The robbers are just plain bad, but there's an air about them which makes you realise that they really aren't that smart. They come across as sort of pathetic in a way, but in a way that makes it funny for the rest of us.
   The addition of a Mr Murphy, the salt-spreading old man from across the road, brings in an added conflict. Kevin is scared of him after his older brother Buzz tells him a bit of a horror story staring said Mr Murphy. Kevin discovering his true nature over the course of the film adds an interesting new element to the film. It brings a lot to it, in my humble opinion.

So, my ratings of this film. I should like to award it a seven and a half out of ten. It's brilliantly conceived, wonderfully funny and is very, very clever at more than one point in time, plus it contains two good villains (Marv and Harry) with rather well developed characters and rather villain-esque personalities. The main character, Kevin, is fairly believable, although I kind of think a real kid would go to the next door neighbours' place and ask for help.
   Family and comedy elements are very strong throughout the film. Ending with a fairly spectacular show of slapstick humour, this is a film for anyone who loves a good hard on-screen whack in the nose and a happy ending.
   Keep an eye on the TV schedule - if this film pops up, then watch it!

Mousecow

You may have noticed I am rather lazy.
You may have also noticed I am bright orange.
You're lying.


In any case, giant red dinosaurs paint my house so I have to keep them busy or they'll pick a really nasty colour. Such as bright orange.

Death in Paradise, Episode Six - An Episode Review

Do not lecture me about putting this up late! You're getting it anyway. Do you want this series of reviews to go the same way as the Merlin reviews? That's what I thought. Now, to business.

Goody goody! Another part of the 'Death in Paradise' crime drama watched and another review to write. Here goes nothing.

This week, Camille is in Paris on some sort of course, leaving the other three team members to run the office on Saint Marie. Dwayne is out investigating a break-in when a diver is found to have gone missing. After a lengthy search, the diver is found dead in ten feet of water. His air tank was turned off. Dwayne suspects murder.

   Meanwhile, Fidel is investigating a disappearance of a more local sort: DI Richard Poole hasn't turned up for work. Concerned for 'the Chief', Fidel visits his home to find that he is in fact ill. It looks like he won't be doing police work for a while. The Commissioner hears about this and reels in a policewoman on holiday, a rather uptight woman with no idea what to do.

   So it is that Dwayne and Fidel begin to investigate the seemingly impossible murder of the diver while under the scrutiny of the horrible new superior that the Commissioner has found them.

So once again the team of intrepid investigators and daring detectives are faced with a seemingly impossible murder. An experienced diver drowning in ten feet of water, with a full air tank that hadn't been turned on? Wow. That would be a rather difficult murder for anyone to solve, if it weren't for forensics.
   Firstly, there is the weird oblong bruise across his chest.  Then there's the fact that he's found without his bandanna, which he is seen with everywhere but when he's dead. And then there's the turned-off air tank. Coincidence? We think not, say Fidel and Dwayne...
   You'll notice that there has been no mention of Richard so far. That is because Richard is, in fact, fallen ill. Fidel finds him delirious with fever, and as such he is kept to his house for the episode. The fact that Richard is confined to his home adds a new dimension to this story. Despite being ill, he seems to be determined to help with the case in any way he can. He manages to get himself a whiteboard and manages to give the others some helpful hints. This is all with some help from Dwayne and Fidel, who feed him information when they can. Fidel also feeds him fruit, but nobody cares about that, do they?
   Because there is nobody to really coordinate the investigation, the Commissioner pulls a rather severe old woman out of her holidays to 'help out'. Truth is she's a horrible stuck up twig that would do well to be murdered herself. As Dwayne and Fidel later say:
Dwayne: She hasn't got a clue, has she?
Fidel: Actually, she has lots of clues. She just doesn't know what to do with them.
   ...or something to that effect. So this new person (who I accidentally mistook for the Mad Woman from last week's episode - oops, my bad) is annoying, impedes the investigation and just generally hassles Dwayne and Fidel. On top of this, she doesn't know Fidel's proper name, so calls him Freddy instead. She is a Twit with a capital T.
   Despite the odds, Fidel and Dwayne do remarkably well on their own. However, it is an intervention from Richard that finally clinches the case and makes the arrest. Honestly, where would the Saint Marie Police Force be without DI Poole?

So, my review. I rate this episode at eight of ten on my super scale. The murder is clever for starters, leaving most people without a clue as to what is happening. Then there is the usual intriguing range of clues. As Because this is a good crime drama, they actually make things hazier than before. No answer appears to be within sight. Then the good DI, or in this case Fidel and Dwayne, crack open the leads and pursue them. I like that in a murder mystery. Tis good.
   The fact that Richard wasn't the centre of the universe in this episode, alongside the fact that Camille's nowhere to be seen, adds a new dimension to this particular episode. It really expands Fidel and Dwayne, plus adds a very comical aspect to the whole thing when we switch back to the good Inspector, who is ill in bed. It's very funny, has a good murder, intrigues me greatly and just generally constitutes a very good crime drama episode. So that's a very good eight from me.
   Tomorrow, the second last episode airs! I can't even remember what's going on this week. Maybe it'll be a two part thing, but somehow I doubt it.
   Anyways, watch the space above this post for the next review. Until then, this is the reviews department of A Whole Different Kettle of Fish going to sleep. But only for a brief nap, you understand.

December 2011 Update

Well, folks, it's good to be able to stand here and comfortably say that I'm still alive, as are all the other members of the blog. Well, maybe not confident as such. I'm pretty sure Evil has succumbed to some sort of demon... She appears to think that I am a punchbag, which is one thing that I am not. If I were to be a punchbag, I would be a sentient one. That is not at all a pleasant thought.
   So, onto the review of this month.

This month has seen much activity. The audiences are coming along nicely, with views from the UK, America, Russia, Malaysia, the Netherlands, Germany, France, South Africa and even Japan, South Africa and Ireland flowing in. This obviously constitutes a large percentage increase in our audience. As far as hits go, we are on the rise. I'm very happy with this side of things.


Now, to members. I myself have been fairly active. I've been reviewing a load of stuff, mostly 'Death in Paradise' and 'Merlin', though the Merlin reviews have kind of petered out a little. Sorry. I got bored. Yeah, even Professors of General Stuff get bored sometimes.
   Matt has been strangely silent this month, at least for the latter part. I can't actually remember the last thing he posted. I suspect it may have been 'Giblets'. Said post has no links to anatomy, I can tell you that. I ask him nicely to get something done, and nothing happens. What do you lot think, good viewers? Should he get the sack? You decide. No response means that either the problem has subsided or I just won't take any action at all.
   Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers is in a situation remarkably similar to that of Horrid (Matt. Read the profiles and you'll get these references). However, she has at least posted an excuse. That excuse being that she has exams and has failed to prepare. Strange. I thought that that would constitute for there being a larger amount of time available for her to type up something half decent. Again, the sack for her or not?
   Now to the surprise that you all know about already anyway. We have a new member. That member would be Rinrei. She does have a blog of her own, but she can post the web address herself if she gives a monkey's uncle about it. Rinrei has in fact no particular category into which to place her posts, so just click on the label marked 'Rinrei' to see her posts. I'm getting round to writing a profile piece for the 'About the Kettle' page, but as of this point I haven't gotten anything done. So far all she's managed to do is create more work for me, having the most terrible grammar and no sense of where capital letters must be placed.
   Enter The Eternal Editor, a strong possibility for a new member later this coming month. He isn't exactly online as of this instant, but he is being pieced together as I type. The Eternal Editor, as he's known in the blogging and writing sects of society, is going to be a big help. He has offered to edit all posts going through our blog so that spelling and grammar are correct and so that I can rest easy knowing half the work is done already. He and I shall be conversing closely, as certain rules must be set down. For those of you who actually want to know, The Eternal Editor tells me that he's up for grabs. When he comes online, he'll happily work on your blog and edit posts for you, free of charge. All he asks at this time is that you give him some space to set himself up and then grant him Administration priveleges so that he can in fact edit your work. That is all he has to say at this time.

That is basically all there is to say in this update. Check up next month to see what's been doing in the month of December. Until such time as that, I bit you farewell!

My NaNoNovel - For a Limited Time Only!

Okay, so you've had time to look at my NaNoNovel now. For those of you who missed out, I left my novel up on the blog for two or three days this week. I've taken it down both because it takes up a whole load of space and I want to protect it from as many thieves as I can.
   So there you are. It's not here anymore, so shoo!

The WriMo Journals - Part Two

I feel that I am obliged to continue with my chronicle of the incredible last day of NaNoWriMo. As such, here it is.

The bird begins to distract me with its high-pitched squeals, which are gradually getting louder. I steal the upside down hat and put it on. It is mentioned to make me look like a sad viking or highland cow. This results in more conversation too random and short to note down.

   We begin to mention ways of killing each other then we start to talk like a cartoon character known as 'Salad Fingers'. Skald is straining to hold back a sugar rush just as my brief one is dying down. I note that it is barely 3.00 PM and it is already getting dark. We have only been at Skald's house for two hours and already four signs of madness have been shown. Another lollipop. Only two more and the jar will be empty.

   We talk about snow. Our most sane discussion yet, as well as being the shortest. It seems we are pursuing our mania until the bitter end. Pisces has eaten the last Jaffa Cake. The Penguins remain in place.

   I take a moment to stretch my aching limbs as I reach for the second last lollipop. Skald gulps down another cup of tea. I hand Pisces his hat and he turns it sideways on his head deeming it a brilliant way of tracking how much he is writing. He removes it and begins to make aeroplane noises with it before proceeding to roll it across the keyboard.

   The lollipop jar is now empty and somehow I have evaded the gift of hyperactivity. Skald's Godsister comes in as I manage to claim the Viking hat again; it is lopsided and covering one eye when she enters. We begin to talk about how evil mountains are as she looks at us oddly. I receive the oddest look.

   I pick up the coffee cups and meet Skald's Godsister. When I return we start to talk about aliases we would go by if we went somewhere where no one knew us. Pisces decides his name would be Timothy Turpin if it weren't already Timothy Turpin. With the lack of lollipops to satisfy me I eat some Haribo Tangfastics Cola Bottles from the bag. The bird is silent again.

And that'll be it for now since I have other things to do. Bye!

I'm Going Away For a Bit...

I've decided to give my explanation of my mysterious disappearance to my rather non-existent audience and the Professor, who has been pestering me for a very long time, and it can be easily described in one word.

   Exams. I had exams.

   Not that I spent time actually studying but I've tried and in the process of trying, I barely got anything done. So now I'm panicking and in my one moment of calm I've decided to write this short notice to tell you that until December 13th I will not be available for blogging.

   Thanks for listening.