Paradoxes - And Why They Don't Work

It's the greatest cliche in time-travelling science fiction. Most people who write sci-fi have managed to create a paradox at some point or other, whether it be killing your own grandfather or stepping on a butterfly and changing everything. The fact is though that paradoxes are confined to fiction and wouldn't work in reality.
   This is probably a relief to any would-be inventors of the time machine, as it kind of eliminates anything that can go wrong with time travel that would disrupt the time continuum. If paradoxes could be created and actually worked, then most sane humans would be strongly against time travel being invented. However, I've done some thinking on paradoxes and come to a simple, if slightly lengthy, conclusion.
   Let's take a look at the definition of the word 'paradox'. The Oxford English Dictionary states the meaning of the word 'paradox' to be 'a... absurd or contradictory statement'. When used while discussing time, however, it takes on a different meaning. Although the difference is slight, what is implied is altogether different. A time paradox is when an event occurs to contradict a different event, e.g. you kill your grandfather before he sires your mother, who shall eventually give birth to you. In this case, killing your grandfather puts an end to you, too, which means you can't kill him, which means he survives, which means you can kill him, which brings us back to the start. This is, of course, an impossible event. As such, it simply doesn't work.
   So a time paradox is when an event in the past contradicts what shall/will/does cause the event, or sometimes even contradicts the contradiction. If you aren't careful and attempt to simplify it as far as possible, you can get yourself very confused indeed. When thinking about paradoxes, it's important not to think too much, or your brain fries itself in the deep fat fryer.
   Paradoxes aren't confined to being temporal; in fact they can be found in most areas. For example, I've got this statement here which is guaranteed to blow your mind. Observe.

True or false: This statement is false.

Take a moment to think about that. Then come back in an hour's time and realise what it actually implies.
   You see, paradoxes can apply to anything - as long as it is just an idea. So long as the paradox is kept as a thought, it can exist. Attempting to apply a paradox to the real world is like trying to stick paper to another piece of paper with an iron, i.e. it doesn't work unless you burn the pieces of paper, which kind of defeats the purpose. Take the statement above. It can't actually be applied to anything physical. So you cannot, for example, change it to:
   Pear or apple: This fruit is an apple.
   That just doesn't work. The fruit is a pear or an apple, and cannot be both nor neither, assuming that the answer is actually one of the two provided. Therefore, we can derive that applying a paradox to real life is a hopeless idea and anyone who tries to do so expecting otherwise is a failure. (Fail!)
   However, for every statement there is someone who shall argue against it. In this case, it's the fact that there are several apparent paradoxes plaguing others as I type. Take the Archer Paradox. It states that for an archer to hit their target bang-on, they must aim slightly to the side. Logic dictates that this is incorrect, as the arrow would go wide of the target. Not so, apparently. It works.
   Unfortunately for me, it appears that my theory that paradoxes simply don't exist past the thinking stage is incorrect. This is not so. Not, at least, if we confine the theory to the realm of time.
   Back to the grandfather paradox. It simply cannot occur, as killing your grandfather will ultimately result in your being unable to kill your grandfather. Basically, it can't happen. Therefore, as a temporal certainty, it won't happen. Simples. (Squeak!)
   This is because, in essence, the universe won't allow it to happen. Killing your grandafther contradicts the laws of time which we practically know for certain are unbreakable. The future is in flux while the past is set. Attempting to change the past will, while being a cliche, mean that you will ultimately change the reason for your coming back. Removal of a base reason for an action is the most logical (and best, though not necessarily the easiest) way of preventing an action. Ergo, you can't change time for the elephants nor for yourself. (I know that was random. I pride myself in being like that.) Sorry, I meant that time won't and can't change, otherwise the universe would simply die. And not in a literal sense. It would contradict everything and therefore nothing, therefore both everything and nothing would cease to a) happen or b) exist. The only other way out of this predicament is to make it impossible for the event to happen originally. This means either that time travel can't and won't ever exist to travel backwards or that if it did exist, the chances of managing to change history are literally zero. Nada. Na-nee-na-no-noo-noo. Zilch. Get it yet?
   (If you want to read more about causing a reason for travelling back in time then you can check out the other posts marked 'Time Travel' or 'Science of a Sort'. Same goes for if you'd like to know why you can't change history in detail. Now leave me be. Please?)
   So we have, by now, realised that temporal paradoxes cannot work and therefore won't exist. That game is rigged in the fact that all the rules mean that they don't follow each other and therefore don't work, whilst working in perfect harmony against you. Just another paradox from Professor Pisces.

And, before I go, some paradoxes for you...
 - This is a lie.
 - Which came first - the chicken or the egg?
 - (A chemist's favourite, this one.) Dilute nitric acid will corrode steel but concentrated nitric acid won't.
 - Is a 'nuclear physicist' a physicist who had an accident or a physicist that studies nuclear processes?

Just some thoughts to make sure you can't ever sleep again. Heheheh...