Reviews in the News

Yes, I rhymed in a title. Is that prohibited? No. Is it frowned upon? Maybe. Do I care? No.

So, to business. I just wanted to explain to you all how I'll be rating things in reviews to come.

When I look at films, books, TV programmes etc, I like to rate them in my head. Using a scale of one to ten, I place them very carefully on this scale. Allow me to explain what the numbers mean. I warn you, I don't exactly use a very precise scale at some points.

• Between zero and one: Would like to see everyone involved with the offending article lined up and shot. Every existing copy of the article in question is destroyed.
• Between one and three: Never wish to see or hear of it again. May have several people involved shot, and most copies of the thing will be destroyed, if at all possible.
• Four: Don't really want to see it again, but won't have a fit and cause it to spontaneously combust if I see it in a store somewhere.
• Five: Don't mind it, but wouldn't be heartbroken if I never saw it again though.
• Six: Fairly good, but wouldn't really want to own it.
• Seven: Nicely done. You have won a cake! I would like to see/hear/read the thing again, but not excessively. Wouldn't mind owning, but probably wouldn't buy for myself. Anything above this point, I would recommend to others.
• Eight: Great! Would buy if I had money to spare, most likely. Well worth having.
• Nine: Fantastic! Everyone involved should be awarded a sticker. Almost certainly a must-have; would probably buy for self.
• Ten: Excellent! Drinks all around. One of my favourites of all time; will buy a copy for myself if possible. Excessive exposure imminent. A must-have, at least for me. Will pressgang others into reading/seeing/hearing whatever it is.

This system is already being put into use, as will be seen in the next post.

Hope this is useful, now I shall leave you all to your lives for exactly one minute.