Dead Fish

Hello, citizens. Go check out the new production company, 'Dead Fish'. We're on the air, though probably not your computer screens.

Dead Fish is an amateur film company created by teenagers. It's a project into discovering whether we can make short films or not using simply the resources we have at hand, which happen to be ourselves, our imaginations, some random props and a small camcorder (kindly supplied by cameraman Bill). On-site, you'll find our personal stories through moviemaking from the earliest stages of conception right through to the end credits of our films. It's gonna be a helluva ride, and we want YOU along with us.

Check out Dead Fish at: http://deadfishproductions.blogspot.com/.

The Summer Starts

The British summer is never up to much, but here we all are, right in the middle of it. As I type, it begins to rain. Yet I'm not restricted to feeling tired and enclosed - I feel as high as a kite. Why? That's simple - the summer holidays have begun.

To be free from having mandatory work to do is excellent. It allows me to plan my own life for seven weeks, excepting those dread weeks when I'll be stuck on the isle of [place]. And I'm sure you can expect to see more of me around as I write more and more posts for the blog and work on other personal projects such as my novel, 'Elementals' and my newest script (this time for a short film). Perhaps you'll hear about it. Maybe you won't.

Those of you who are now officially into your holidays: nicely done. You've survived again, probably. Now go and enjoy yourselves. Those who left school long ago: do something nice. Enjoy yourselves; hold a barbecue or something. It's summer! Get in the mood. Well, it is if you're in the northern hemisphere... Sorry, Aussies. Enjoy some cooler weather down under.

From those of us still alive at the Ketltle, we offer you a happy summer. we'll continue to be on the web, so keep your digital eyes peeled!

Happy summer, everyone. Enjoy the rain.

Cabbage the Forty Second?

The extremely foul, yet unbelievably attractive stooped gait of the Goffaloffagon allows it to entice prey into its foul tendrils of spandex, whereupon they are admitted into a high class modern dance school in which many others were educated. They only come for you if you have just read a sentence of thirty nine words precisely. Oops.
   As none of you may know, the emperor of this inept conglomerate of writing stooges is actually in charge. And this poses a problem. Unbeknownst to me, when I signed up for the whole ordeal, I was tranquilised and had my vital organs removed and replaced with hamsters. These hamsters die on Piscerious' command. So yes. This must happen.
  I was also notified that I have a group of disciples.With an inordinate amount of David Hume. So get in touch so that I may amass an evil army. Or a good army, if you guys are boring like that.
   Also, slime.
   Several cabbages catch fire if I want them to. Be warned.

G'devening.

Post scripturing? There is some. Or rather, here is some. Mainly because mister Piscoria is a vicious cheat with extraordinarily large calves. And chunky ears. And three left feet. And more insulting features. And stuff.
   He also smells of elderflower.

A Tarnished Gold Ingot - Hurricane Gold by Charlie Higson, A Book Review

Charlie Higson has done a remarkable job with his 'Young Bond' series. The fourth book in the set, 'Hurricane Gold' follows James Bond as he ventures to the tropics. Caught in a hurricane, he and his hosts are embroiled in a series of events that shall take them far.

The book. Duh.

This book, while very entertaining, was more than a small annoyance at times. As with pretty much all the Bond books, it was slow to start and marginally uninteresting, however characters were developed well in the first few chapters. Unfortunately, the plot was a little shaky, and some unlikely car chases and near-misses simply worked to remove more enjoyment. As has been said previously, it was very entertaining to read, though with little point to it.

The final third of the book made up for this, though. Finding themselves on a remote island for insanely rich criminals, James and his latest female interest - this time named 'Precious' (never naming my kids that) - must plan their escape through the 'Rat Run' - a deadly assault course arena, where the prize for winning is freedom and the punishment for failure is death. Even so, this seemed fairly hollow: there was a fairly unsatisfactory ending to the whole thing that left you wondering "Oh. Is that it?"

All in all, a bit of a piece of tarnished gold: there is worth in this book, and much enjoyment may be gleaned from it, but you must first either ignore or clean away the dirt. I believe Higson may have forgotten to polish his work. In short, read this if you enjoyed the other 'Young Bond' books or if you like a good adventure, but look elsewhere if you like everything to be tied off.
Rating: 6/10

This review was taken from Penguin Book's 'Spinebreakers' website, where the author goes by a slightly different name. To view the original review, click here. For more information on Spinebreakers and how to become one, click here.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH! (No. 1)

AAAARRRRGH! They've done the unthinkable! My scriptwriting dreams are gone! AAAAAAAGGGGH!

THEY'VE AXED SCRIPT FRENZY!

Script Frenzy, run by the OLL (a not-for-profit organisation) is a month set aside for writing a whole script. 100 pages of original scripted material, to be precise. It was the thing that got me into writing my very own scripts. And now, it's been axed.

The OLL's cut it from their program because it was 'losing money at a rate that was unsustainable'. A not-for-profit organisation, the OLL run purely on donations. However, they seem to expect their projects to grow in size over the years, and Screnzy hasn't met that standard, staying pretty much the same each year so far. Now I have to say that, although I understand their decision, I do not agree with it. Screnzy was fun for all who took part (as well as for some who didn't; I speak of editors and readers), and financial concerns shouldn't turf that out.

This is, wuite obviously, a rather annoying thing to occur. However, I have a plan: to begin an online community who would gladly write a one hundred page script every April, despite the absence of the Screnzy website. Facebook, Twitter and Internet groups of all types could contribute to the Frenzy. And seeing as I'm thinking this, perhaps there are others thinking it, too.

Come on, Screnzies and scriptwriters! We'll take it to them. We can begin a Screnzy of our own. All we have to do is take a step forwards.

An Action-Packed Modern Myth - The Throne of Fire, A Book Review

Egyptian mythology has fascinated the world for centuries, and its eerie grip on us is exploited perfectly by Rick Riordan in his book 'The Throne of Fire'.


The book. Duh.

A sequel to his book 'The Red Pyramid', the second book in The Kane Chronicles series follows our young heroes as they embark on a quest to stop Apophis the chaos snake from rising. In the meantime, though, they've got several gods to get through, and a perilous boat trip to take.
When I picked this book up, I was stuck between two pre-opinions: One, that it would be terrible beyond imagining, and the other that it would simply be another unputdownable read from 'the myth master', as he's now known. And, in a way, I was right on both accounts. It is a truly riveting read, but there are some elements that I've begun to dislike in retrospect.

First on the list of bones to pick is: characters. Riordan appears to have an aptitude for perhaps accidentally recycling his characters (not to mention his plots). The similarity between his Kane Chronicles characters and his Percy Jackson series is unthinkably close. This makes for a rather predictable read as far as characters go. You find a god, they either want to kill you, help you or manage to be insanely funny. Which brings me to my next point...

The prose and the plot is all the same. Whoopee, you're a magic person. Now go and find the sacred donkey and win back the magical Sceptre of Watercress; or something along those same lines. Saving the world gets boring when it's gods, gods, gods and magic people or demigods. however, even I, critical as I can be, must admit that this story has some merits.

For one, the action and suspense scenes are amazing. Sword battles, godly skirmishes and general magical mayhem spreads itself throughout the book, and I always get a warm fuzzy feeling when a truly evil monster appears. Like Apophis, or Ra. And even Sekhmet, though she may have been in 'The Red Pyramid'. The suspense is also on the verge of intolerable. Ending in a bit of a cliffhanger, it's almost certainly a marketing ploy coupled with a plot device, but by Odin's missing eye, does it work!

So it is that I'm looking forwards very much to the next book in the series, 'The Serpent's Shadow'. And, seeing as I'm lucky, I'll be getting my itching fingers on that very soon indeed.

This is Professor Pisces, saying if you like myths, legends and monster mayhem, read this like Lewis Hamilton tries to drive an F1 car: fast.

Rating: 7.5/10

This review was taken from Penguin Book's 'Spinebreakers' website, where the author goes by a slightly different name. To view the original review, click here. For more information on Spinebreakers and how to become one, click here.

An Interesting Idea, Ruthlessly Murdered - Guantanamo Boy, A Book Review

Guantanamo Bay, an American prison in (surprise, surprise) Guantanamo Bay, Cuba has long been a rallying point for those who may accuse the American government of being racist. However, in this book, it is seen from a new perspective: that of a teenager living on the inside.


The book with the cover that I read it in.

Although a provocative read, 'Guantanamo Boy' is a rather flat and lifeless book. There are few real plot twists throughout its many pages, and its characters are to the mind what cardboard is to the mouth: dry and tasteless.

The story is alright for the first fifty pages or so, but after that it becomes a monotonous rerun as our 'hero', for want of a better word, finds himself trapped in Gauntanamo. There are but one or two really surprising moments, and those were highly unlikely - for example, when he realises that his cousin is living on the other side of the wire mesh wall that separates prisoners. The liklihood of such a thing occuring is very small. Unfortunately the actual consequence of this supposedly life-changing scenario is met with an idiotic level of apathy from the character.


The climax isn't much better than the rest of it. After a rather predictable 'twist', nothing much happens. Everything winds down, if that were possible. In the end you're left with an empty spot in your head where a little man stands shouting: "Well, what was that all about?"


In short, a dull and boring book. Depressing and remote. There may be nothing to compare it to, but that's a good thing - nothing else could be this bland. Maybe there was an interesting idea there at some point, but it was long ago ruthlessly murdered.


This is Professor Pisces saying: Read this book only if you like cardboard. But if you still love life, stay away from it. Far, far away.

Rating: 3/10

This review was taken from Penguin Book's 'Spinebreakers' website, where the author goes by a slightly different name. To view the original review, click here. For more information on Spinebreakers and how to become one, click here.

Truly, I Agree.

Rinrei spoke truth in her earlier post (click here to see it now). It appears to me that pretty much all people who publish their work online write really, really terrible things. It's a shame.

So here's the deal: I work with Penguin books at a website called Spinebreakers, where I write reviews in return for books. The only reason that they aren't being republished here is that I'm unsure as to whether I am allowed to reproduce content written for Penguin or not. But still, moving on... I have a small job as a reviewer (win!). As a small side thing, the website also sports a 'Creative Content' page, where budding Spinebreakers may publish their own work, whether that happens to be pictures, writing or videos of whatever description. Being a writer, I post in this section with fair regularity. Presently I'm posting up a story that I've serialised.

Every time and again, I take a look through the pages to see what people have written. I'm sorry to say that most of it is utter drivel. Mostly poetry, the authors seem to have no sense of what grammar is, nor how to implement it correctly. The sections of actual stories that I come across generally consist of single paragraphs of what seems to be SMS language (I can't believe I just said 'SMS') that the authors have the audacity to call 'chapters'.

Now I enjoy being a critic, and I like to help people along with good, honest constructive criticism, but now I feel as if my job is moot. I feel like typing: "Quit writing! You are terrible at describing this, that and the next thing; your characters are either unrealistic or undeveloped to the point of being gelatinous masses of tasteless gloop; your style is comparable to bovine excrement." However, I tend to swallow my fingers and try to type out a lengthy and slightly critical review of their work and leave it at that. Sometimes I get emails saying "Ooh, you read my story but did not like it, you shall be EXECUTED!", but mostly it's taken in silence. Plus, I'm still alive, so that's a bonus.

As to my own work, I include a sample below this article. Mostly my stuff gets some very positive feedback indeed - "OMG, that's well good man," - but very little of it actually helps. Sure, it's great to recieve feedback saying that it's a wonderful piece, but truly? I need something more to go on if I am to better my work. All I can say is that perhaps my work's just faultless. Either that, or people are lazy and don't subject articles, story extracts etc. to critical thought.

There are some good writers at Spinebreakers and online in general, and among those are some good critics too who will give you some nice feedback on what you wrote. However, they are vastly outnumbered by those aspiring writers who think they're doing a good job and really just aren't. Some people have the skill with which to write, and others don't. But a candle's light is brightest when the night is at its darkest. Perhaps there is hope for the online authorship; perhaps not. But those of us who are flames may at least try and set others alight: Either to make them shine, or burn them to the ground.

*          *          *

The following is an extract from something that I'm in the middle of writing. To be more accurate, this is actually the prologue. Set five years before the events of the actual story, it sets the scene for certain events to come.

*

It started in the night. It began as a whisper at the back of his mind, increasing in volume until it was a roar that rocked the very core of his being. And then, very suddenly, it stopped. And he opened his eyes.

The room was on fire. Everything – the pale wallpaper, the wardrobe, the bookcase and its load of paperbacks – was burning fiercely, flames leaping up from the hardwood floor to lick the painted ceiling. The bedcovers were alight, the fire devouring the soft fabric.

He reacted instinctively, kicking back the covers and springing out of bed and to the floor. More by accident rather than design, he managed to land in a patch free of flame. The heat was searing and the smoke thick, catching in the back of throat. He had to escape. He glanced at the door. It was succumbing to the inferno, its white paint peeling away. The brass doorknob glowed menacingly. There was no way out. But wait - the window.

Moving like lightning, he picked up a lamp and hurled the heavy object at the glass. It smashed through the single pane with a crash. He turned to it and backed up several steps. He killed the seeds of doubt in his mind – he didn’t have time to question the wisdom of what he was about to do. Grimacing with anticipation, he ran to the window and leapt.

The cool air was both a shock and a relief to him as it rushed past. The cold wind flowed over his loosely-clad body and outstretched arms. Then he made contact with the rough bark of the tree, and his flight ended as abruptly as it had begun.

Hooking his arms around the thick branch of the old tree, he hauled himself up into the foliage. Leaves still damp from the night’s rain wiped water across his forehead, mingling with the sweat. Twisting around, he looked back at the house. The whole building was lit from the inside by the glow of the fire, shadows dancing on the neatly mowed lawn. The crackle of blazing material and the crash of a collapsing roof filled the air. It was a symphony of destruction: The booming bass drum was the jerry cans in the garage; the xylophone’s tinkle was glass breaking; the trumpet’s fanfare replaced by the wail of sirens.

When they found him, he was sitting at the base of the tree, fresh burns colouring his skin an angry red. His expression was blank, wiped clean by shock. But it was his eyes that caught the attention; held them rapt. They burned with the infernos of rage.

The fire fighters may have extinguished the flames, but the fire blazed on.

*

And that is how fiction is really written, people. Just so that you're aware that I'm not a complete and utter hypocrite. I like to write, and I'm told that I'm good at it. So that's how it's done. Boom.

Regards,
   Professor Pisces

A Question for the Universe

Weird title. I know. It has little to do with this post, but heck if I care.

Anyway, I've noticed that all I really do is ramble about pointless things in life that have little or no purpose or relevance. To get rid of my suddenly depressing mood (caused by me questioning how I would die and whether it would be slow and painful), I searched the web for stuff to laugh at. This stuff, my good friends, were badly written stories. From fanfiction to non-fiction, I read them. And boy, did a lot of nasty comments bubble to the surface.

I must say, I am at a complete and utter loss for words. It seems the majority of the online population have no skill in writing and half the readers think that bad grammar, horrific spelling, lame plots and boring characters or even dreaded Mary-Sues are the best kind of stories in the world.

I decided, after coming back to life, that I would copy and paste these horrific stories into a document on my computer so I could paste my nasty comments all over it.

Now, here's the question I shall ask everyone that is reading this: Dare me to post them up? Shall I really go suicidal and threaten 70% of the writing population by posting their story extracts, with all my comments, on this blog? Someone will say it's copyright infringement and I'll say that they don't deserve that right because of how bad the story is. Trust me, I've done this so many times before and it's funny.

So, shall I? Or shall I not? Answer, or I'll kill you with fire.

SIGNING OFF!
   Rinrei

(Note from The Editor: It's only copyright infringement if you don't say a) who the original author is and b) where it came from, i.e. you have to paste in the URL at some point unless you've done so in a prior post.
   Also, I'm warning you that if you simply do this I will delete the post. I'm not in the mood for editing 70% of the Internet's home-made fanfiction. Plus, you're more than likely to infringe somebody's copyright and none of us have the money to deal with a lawsuit. Why do you think Pisces started this whole thing up? Why do you think I joined?)

NOTE FROM RINREI: Don't worry, I usually put up story extracts of dead profiles, or profiles that have been abandoned, and usually the extract is only as long as the first paragraph. I always post up a link to the original story and make it clear it doesn't belong to me. Don't worry about editing the extract, for I want the entire world to know how bad the story is. Basically, all I'm doing is reviewing the story.

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down...

... but unfortunately, it also gives you diabetes. It's a shame how the good things in life come at a cost. But who cares?

So anyway, I'm posting because I can and it's what I like to do. Also, I was eating toast and I accidentally dropped a piece. That gave me some sort of an epiphany. Toast ALWAYS seems to land butter-side down and cats ALWAYS land on their feet. So what do you think if you strapped toast to the back of a cat? Would it land on its back or its feet? Or would it land at all? It might just keep falling and never land. Now that's something to think about. However, it's only something to think about. Never try it. Although the result may be interesting: The toast will be hairy; an utter abomination.

I think I have officially lost my sanity. After all, being as classy as I am comes at a cost, like every other joy in life. That's why you should only do things if you can face the consequences.

My dog ate ice cream, and when I tried to take it off him and he growled at me in a threatening way. I did that to my mother once for doing the exact same thing.

I may seem insane right now, but there's more to it than what you are reading. It's an art. I like to call it 'Controlled Madness.' You should try it some time.

Pizza.

Barnacle.

Fomortiis.

Good night, everyone!
   Bill-bo.

P.S. Why is there no such thing as an exclamation mark where, instead of a period under it, it's a comma?

Herman the Evil Yeast

You may have heard about how I convinced Evil to return to life. Then again, you may not have done. Therefore, let me tell you the true story of Evil's resurrection.

So it was that Sunday evening saw a meeting of most of us. At this meeting, EMoC happened to be carrying a small box of sludge. The minute she spotted me, she practically screamed a question at me. Asking her to repeat it slowly and more clearly, I eventually made out: "Would you like some Herman? Here, have some Herman."

Herman, it turns out, is the name of the gloop that populated the plastic tub. Apparently he turns into a cake if you look after him. Coathanger had a slice of cake with her, and I proceeded to eat it all over the course of the evening. Yum.

It seems that what Herman I had just recieved was the last remaining quarter of the old batch, a greatly exaggerated amount of sludgy slime. Evil had killed the half that didn't make it. Feeling more than a little sorry, I said that I'd think about it. But Evil seemed rather desperate to pack this lump off. So I laid down an ultimatum: I would relieve her of Herman, and she would post on the blog at least once a week for the rest of her life. Cautiously accepting, I skipped off home, quite happy. I had reacquired a blogger and gained a growing cake.

The only thing wrong with this whole set-up is that the cake appears to be a lie. Herman even now sits on my kitchen countertop, sat in a bowl covered by a tablecloth. And he's evil.

For starters, he's a yeasty creature, so he makes everything smell like a brewery. Second, he has quite obviously been tampered with by Matt. It bubbles, and that's a sure sign that the resident witch has been up to his usual tricks. (Yes, Matt's a witch. Don't give me any of that wizard stick - Matt's a witch.) And thirdly - and perhaps most importantly - I think it may be plotting to take over the world. It gives me evil looks, and appears to be growing. Perhaps this is the point, but I swear to you that eyes are not normal. Granted, I squish them, but they exist at points in time. That's bad enough.

So now I'm growing a cake that's liable to become superintelligent and achieve world domination. Wonderful. And I'm supposed to eat a quarter of the finished product and hand off the rest to others? Yeesh... This is going to become a worldwide problem very soon.

In, say, four days, I will have a fully-grown Herman in my kitchen. I hope it won't eat me. One thing's for sure, though - it has an uncanny likeness to Flubber.

The cake is a lie, peeps - it's evil!

The Perpetual Motion Paradox - Can It Be Solved?

Author's Note: For anyone in the know, this post is exclusively concerned with first-type perpetual motion machines. Look elsewhere if you're looking for second-type perpetual motion machines. For once, I'm not going to mention quantum theory or ground state energies.

Recently Bats wrote a script. (The secret's out! Attack the director-to-be!) Now, the script's rather unusual - a parody of every zombie apocalypse film you've ever seen, outside of 'Shaun of the Dead' - and, despite my having pointed out some gaping plot holes, the authors seem to think they have it all sorted. Which they don't. But moving on...

One of these plot holes becomes apparent when someone from the future hands some guns to the main characters. When asked how they're powered, the time traveller simply replies, "Uh... They run on perpetual motion." And when that is questioned, the character sidesteps the question. Highly convenient.

The truth is that perpetual motion is a paradox that, if you think about it, makes perfect sense until it's put into practice. Allow me to explain...

*          *          *

Perpetual motion is, quite simply, a motion that, once put into action, will loop infinitely with no loss of energy. Anyone who can solve this problem would almost certainly be the next winner of the Nobel Prize. Why? Because an infinite supply of energy would solve the world energy crisis. But it's impossible to create a perpetual motion machine. Consider the following picture of Boyle's Self-Filling Flask:


Boyle's Self-Filling Flask, a famous perpetual motion attempt.

The idea is that the water from above pushes the water back up the tube to self-fill the flask, hence 'Self-Filling Flask'. Unfortunately, it doesn't actually work. This is because gravity works and tends to kill ideas. Objects try to find a rest state when they have some sort of force working on them, especially when  Plus, friction diminishes the force that the water carries as it travels around. This would lead to a complete energy loss, eventually. This machine could only ever work (and even then, only for a certain time - friction, you see) in a zero-gravity vacuum environment. Plus it would have to be an entirely enclosed affair. You need to cap that flask, otherwise it'll splash.

There's pretty much no way to make perpetual motion work, unless of course you found a portal gun and shot the ceiling and floor, then dropped something in it. Even then, that pobably requires some sort of energy source to keep the portals open. Perpetual motion machines aren't allowed to take in energy from the outside except for when they're created and started up. So that's why perpetual motion won't work.

*          *          *

That should explain why sidestepping that question was a cowardly action. The plot hole is enormous, but small at the same time. perhaps it should be likened to a rabbit hole: It's small, but it goes deep. Plus, guns with pereptual motion? The axiom of zombie films is that there's limited ammo!

Well, Bats, I hope that that's a satisfactory explanation for why perpetual motion just doesn't work. Unless you've harnessed zero-point energy or tapped the energy of the false vacuum, I doubt that your 'perpetual motion' guns will ever take off.

Troll-lolol...

I like things to remain realistic in fictional works. Can you tell?

My Immortal, Chapter Two - A Review

Good day to you all. I hope you are well.

Last night, I took it upon myself to print out 'My Immortal' story so that I could take notes. First off, despite the length of the chapters being barely more than a page, it is a ridiculously long story. I still cringe at the amount of paper and ink I had to use. Then I managed to mix up all the pages, which meant I actually had to read the story, but believe me when I say that is sometimes not enough. At one point I lost my mind and had to go read 'Romeo and Juliet' to regain what sanity I had left.

But still, I have to say that when reading this story with a critical eye, there is a lot to notice. The spelling is even more blinding as time goes by, and I had to translate some sentences into readable English.

Here's the link again: http://myimmortalrehost2.webs.com/

*I must apologise that I am not using the proper 'terms' used in fanfiction such as 'canon', but as I have said before, I'm not that experienced in fanfiction. I do not trust myself to use these terms, as I will feel like I will get something wrong.*

Anyway, make way for...

Chapter Two

Summary:

Moonshine Ebony wakes up from her coffin (which is black and with pink velvet inside) and drinks some blood. It's snowing and raining, again. She changes. Her friend Willow ("AN: Raven dis is u!") wakes up and changes. She looks almost exactly the same as Ebony. They start talking about Draco Malfoy and, rather coincidentally, he appears in front of them. Willow is forgotten as Draco asks Ebony Moonshine to go to a concert in Hogsmeade with him. She gasps.

CHAPTER END

Yet another exciting chapter to keep us on the edge of our seats. This chapter is longer than the last, but it only fills a page. With spaces in between the one-line paragraphs. But let's crack on, because I do want to revise for an upcoming maths test next week.

Paragraph one is a wonderful start to this story. The second half of it is dedicated to what the protagonist is wearing and her taste in accessories. Can you guess what colour her clothes were? If you said black, then good for you! The first half of this paragraph is just a little reminder to us all that Ebony Moonshine is a vampire. She notes how she sleeps in a coffin and, as a morning drink, has some blood. Thank goodness all that was put in; I had almost forgotten that you were a vampire.

Oh, and it was snowing and raining at the same time. After writing my last post, I thought that maybe the writer had actually meant sleet and just wanted to describe it in length. But then, as I was checking this morning, I found that sometimes it can snow and rain at the same time in certain conditions. So I'm sorry, Miss Tara, I just thought you were being silly. After all, that's all you've done so far.

This next paragraph is just as exciting as the last. For this one, Ebony Moonshine steps away from the spotlight and the main focus of the story (for four lines, gasp!) is Willow, Ebony's best friend. In case you didn't notice the author note which I pasted into the summary, Willow is based on the author's editing friend. Oh, they must be really good friends! I can't see this friendship ever ending...

Anyway, clothes are yet again described in superb detail for the rest of the paragraph, making it impossible for me to actually say anything about it. I'm not a very fashion-wise person in any way, so I can't spend very long discussing clothes.

So, what happens when you stick two adolescent girls/vampires with the same taste in fashion (I'm not kidding. They seem to be borrowing clothes off of one another!) in a room together? That's right. Girl talk:

“OMG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so don’t!” I shouted.
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed.

Pairings are very fickle things. If you ever wish to side with a particular pairing, I must warn you to tread lightly. The Internet is filled with many fangirls and fanboys who stand by the opinion that their pairing is the only viable one in the world. That's why I tend to stay very far away from any fanfiction which includes a pairing between an original character (OC) and an existing one. I have never read a good fanfiction so far that included an OC pairing. So this is my next rule of writing fanfiction: Please, unless you are very skilful, do not write a pairing between your original character and an existing one. It almost always ends in Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus. And this story is definitely a good example of what I mean. You see, at the end of this extremely riveting conversation - which managed to last the journey from Hogwarts' dungeons to the Great Hall - who should happen to appear but the man of the conversation: Draco Malfoy! Oh how lucky you are, Moonshine Ebony!

Do you want to see their amazing greeting?

“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied flirtily.

I guess you could say that it is moving the story along, as it mentions a certain plot point which constantly shows itself throughout the rest of the story: Moonshine Ebony's confusing relationship with Draco Malfoy. This is just the start of a terrible pairing.

Now I know most conversations do indeed start in that specific way; in fact that is usually the contents of any Facebook message I ever receive. However, it really isn't something anyone wants to read. I'm not going to even bother pasting in the rest of the conversation, as it's as exciting as the start. Read it yourself. 

If you are too lazy or too scared to go read it, I will tell you that by the end of the chapter, Malfoy has managed to pluck up the courage to ask out our protagonist on a date to a Good Charlotte concert which just so happens to be in Hogsmeade. I don't even care. 

What I do care about, though, is that there are some ellipses! So let's add that to our little tally: 

 

(Ellipses Used: 2)

And so we come to the end of another disappointing chapter. I hope that you enjoyed this trip a lot more than I did. To save my soul, I'm going to read some more Romeo and Juliet which will hopefully cleanse my soul. 

Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers

Future Talk - A Review

Well, after reading through all those torturous chapters of the disturbingly painful fan-fiction 'My Immortal' (which Evil will continue to rant about) and gouging a hole in my stomach with a pencil, I ranted to Evil about her reasons for posting up a link to said fanfiction. The conversation went something like this:


Rinrei: Evil, why did you put a link to that awful story on the blog? I collapsed on the ground in a twitchy mess and died, then I came back to life. Have you seen The Editor's notes yet? He also died.


Evil: I know. I'm back and ready for my ascension to the throne.


Rinrei: Slowly paving our way to the top. Just need to push Pisces off. I'm just reading your story again. Oh, the hate filled comments...


Evil: I hate the story. Makes it fun to review, though. You should see my notes. It's basically filled
with "WHY???" and other cursings.


Rinrei: Definitely. I'm not going to read the chapters, but the final one, just to see if that argument you were talking about is true.

*A little while later...*

Rinrei: Someone has to kill her off in a non-romantic way. Just PLEASE.

And then we continued to ramble about our hatred for the next hour or so, but that isn't the point. After reading this horrific fan-fiction I decided that since we no longer had a punching bag for me to punch, I would read a good fan-fiction called 'Future Talk'.

  So, to regain my sanity, I shall now start reviewing this fan-fiction.

  The story starts with our main character who is a 20-year-old with a cripple leg called Dani Thompson. Not a Mary-sue. Good start. Our actual story starts with Dani being forced to review a horrific fan-fiction (I actually did a review of this story excerpt) and ranting about how much she hates it. Already, we have an idea that she isn't one of those gooey-gooey, love-love readers. 

  The name of the first chapter is 'Death for my Birthday', so it's not surprising that Dani dies in the first chapter. Ironic thing is, it's her birthday. I think she and Pisces would get along perfectly (as in, they enjoy killing off their main character in the first chapter).

  In the next chapter, the author already goes and shows she's been doing her research as Dani is given a second chance at life if she can save another world (Dani even goes ahead and quotes Star Wars to mock this). But, this is done much better than I say it is with Dani's personality all over it. 

  Now, I said the author had been doing their research, and I said that for a reason. In this there are, obviously, alternative universes and time paradoxes and all things science related. Now, that doesn't mean that the author rubs it in your face, because the person telling the story is Dani and Dani is a bit of an idiot. 

  Since Dani is sort of...dead, she has to nick someone else's body. Luckily, there was already a shapeshifter lurking around that died (we find out later that this was planned) and since that was the only time that anyone had ever seen said shapeshifter and the demons that saw it died, it's the perfect opportunity for Dani to get a new body.

  I can't really tell you much about the actual story itself since that would spoil the fun, but I shall say that Dani  being in this world means that stuff changes. And boy does it change. Stuff changes because of Dani, who did not exist in this world before, and it seriously starts to muck the world up. Hence, this author has researched her science.

  Personally, I think this is a great fan-fiction because it manages to keep to realism and Dani appears as a well-balanced person with both her flaws and her strengths. And even better, THE CHARACTERS ARE IN CHARACTER! You have no idea how rare that is people. No idea. 


  Now, seeing as this post isn't long enough, let's talk about Dani Thompson properly.

(That's drawn by me.I'm doing a comic version for the author.)

  Now, this drawing doesn't fully represent Dani. In the story, Dani is obviously 20, but people often think she's a child not only because of her stunted growth, but her overall personality. Most of the time, Dani acts entirely on impulse and is known for getting herself in a lot of trouble, but surprisingly, she does think things through. Throughout the story, you can see her mature and learn and trying to be useful despite her faults and sometimes she does it well. She reacts like most people would under stress and is just as emotional, goofy or serious as everyone else. This makes her a well-balanced, well-developed character that is so uncommon in fan-fiction today.


  Now there are a few flaws to the story, and as a critic, I have to point them out no matter how much I love the story. Sometimes, the author goes into too much detail about how the people look when Dani first meets the crew and although this is good for the story, since everything is different, I can't help but get a little eye twitch when people go into too much detail. 


  Naturally, being as bias as I am, I am fine with the relationship between Dani and one of the characters because the author is one of the few people that does it WELL. However, since I have never seen that specific character falling in love with anyone I can't really say how he'd react to situations.


  Finally, there are too much comedic scenes in the beginning. Dani just seems to goof off the plot a little too much, but I think this is just the authors way of lightening the mood, which is good since the canon is originally comedic. However, near the end, Graphospasm is starting to fit everything into the darker plot and as we are near the end of the fan-fiction, I am still waiting in suspense to see what happens. Personally, I think Dani is going to be forced to kill the main bad guy while crying and all that jazz. Death in tears is always a good way to end a villian, unless you just want the hell  heck beaten out of that guy like what Ed did to Father. That was awesome.

  Well, that's all I can say without this becoming the long post for the week, so I guess I'm just continue that lovely war with the Eternal Editor.

SIGNING OFF!

RINREI




EDIT: This is apparently the 300th post, after cutting out all the drafts which just keep on appearing. Yay for me, but knowing me luck, someone's going to contradict me.

My Views on Fanfiction

Well, as it has turned out I really do like blogging. I must have suppressed all happiness from myself while I was doing exams.

But anyway, I decided to post something of real substance today. I had to say, I was quite intrigued that both Rinrei and the Professor have posted their thoughts on fanfiction and, although I may not be as experienced in the world of fanfiction as Rinrei might be, I have come across some glorious fanfiction which has indeed made me want to gouge my eyes out.

I must confess that I haven't much experience with fanfiction, and that I read my first fanfiction around a year ago. So, as a tribute to the first fanfiction I ever read, I shall be discussing the story in great length.

Now, this story has gained quite a reputation. It is a Harry Potter fanfiction, and I must warn you: It has a rather spectacular 'Mary-Sue' character. I'm going to assume you know what I mean by a Mary-Sue. If you don't, I promise you that this fanfiction is quite a good example of one. But anyway, the reason it has earned such a wonderful reputation is because, in short, it has been named the worst fanfiction that has ever cursed this planet.

Below I'm going to put some links down which you may wish to click so that you may read (or listen to) the story. I have to warn you, it has forty-four disappointing chapters, but really is worth the read to see what a good writer of any sort should never do.

This link leads to a certain website that has all the chapters and a good explanation as to why this fanfiction came to rather an abrupt end. I am using it myself to review the story: http://myimmortalrehost2.webs.com/

This link goes to a playlist of a rather hilarious reading of the story on YouTube. It is where I first heard of the fanfiction, and I love it. This, however, ends a little earlier than the actual fanfiction, as the reader decided to save his sanity and stop prematurely:  http://www.youtube.com/playlistlist=PL857359156BA76F56&feature=playlist-comment

Ah well, no use delaying the inevitable...

Chapter One

I so desperately wanted to just paste the entire chapter in just to let you read it, but I have a feeling that I'm not allowed to do that. (Note from The Editor: That's right. It's against the rules.) So instead, please just go and click any of the links above. You will see that the video is 2:22 long and that the actual chapter is one paragraph and four lines. What I think I can tell you, though, is this - a quick summary.


Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a vampire (with straight white teeth) and a witch in her seventh year at Hogwarts in England. She's obsessed with gothic clothing and make-up. She looks like Amy Lee (the lead singer from 'Evanescence'), but she isn't related to the 'major hottie' Gerard Way (lead singer from 'My Chemical Romance'). She hates prep (Uh... Picture Ashley Tisdale in 'High School Musical', and I think that's what a prep is) and the sun.

Also, apparently, it's possible for it to rain and snow at the same time. The wonders of England, huh?

CHAPTER END

I kid you not; that is the basic outline of Chapter One. That's just the paragraph. The next four lines are a pointless conversation with Draco Malfoy but, I promise you, we'll get to that later.

First off, the name of the main character. I had to keep flipping backwards and forwards from this page and the story just to make sure I could get it all in. (It occurred to me a while later that I could've easily copied and pasted it. Really, the things I go through to entertain you all.) In my opinion, no one in their right mind, even a sparkly emo vampire, would ever call their daughter that atrocity. It's like calling someone 'Sparkle Rainbow Moonshine', or something to that effect.

However, if it wasn't for the stupid names of such characters, I believe we would never have an indicator of how bad things are in a fanfiction. If the main 'original' character of the story has a name so long that it requires almost every letter of the English language to spell it, escape. Run away and never think of it again. However, we are going to have to delve deeper into this wonderful story with the amazing character of Ebony Darkness Demetia Raven Moonshine Way.

Next on my list to complain about is the excessive amount of description this girl has for herself. What I have found with story writing is that you don't spend pages and pages describing a character down to their last freckle. In fact, some of the best stories I have read dedicate a line or two to describe their character's hair colour and possibly eye colour if it's important. Ebony goes on to describe not only her 'ebony black hair [that’s how (she) got (her) name (glad that was explained, aren't we?)] with purple streaks and red tips that reaches (her) mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears', but her skin, her clothes - down to her pink fishnet tights - and even her freakin' teeth. I'm so happy she decided to impart this information. Where would we be if we didn't know that all her clothes come from 'Hot Topic'?

You can also tell she's a lovely girl: "A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them." This is the protagonist everyone wants, isn't it?

It will become more obvious as we progress through the chapters, but I have a slight suspicion that the writer of these piece, a girl called Tara, knows very little about Harry Potter and the Wizarding World. This may be very insignificant to many of you but, as a little bit of a Potterhead, the writer has already disappointed me. I don't know if you noticed but I have heavily emphasised the fact that Hogwarts seems to be in England. This is not true. Hogwarts is in Scotland; in the Prisoner of Azkaban it is mentioned that Hogwarts isn't too far from Dufftown, a very real town in Scotland. Admittedly, it's not the biggest mistake one can make. Many Americans do think that Hogwarts is in England, as the book is from England, and I'm sure they can be forgiven - just not by me. First rule of fanfiction: If you want to write fancfiction, make sure you get all your facts straight.

The four lines that I have mentioned before... Well, they're barely worth mentioning. Because I can't be bothered to even review them, here! Have an extract:

   “Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!
   “What’s up, Draco?” I asked.
   “Nothing,” he said shyly.
   But then I heard my friends call me, and I had to go away.

And that, my servants friends, is how this chapter concludes. Pay special attention to those three little dots before 'Draco Malfoy'. You'll find that our dear writer loves them even more than I do. In fact, as a game (and a ploy to make this post longer; nice try, Evil, but nothing gets by The Editor), let's keep a note of how many times ellipses appear in this story. We'll count them even if they have more than three dots.

(Ellipses Used: 1)

You may be wondering though, what with Rinrei's rant about bad spelling in fanfiction why this one seems exempt of any typos at all. Well, the answer can be found in the author's note before the story:

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

(Note from The Editor: Whimper... *Dies*)

That is the Author's true spelling. So why is her story almost completely devoid of this text talk? Her friend Raven is the answer. She edits Tara's story. I don't know how The Editor will feel about this, but I think that Raven was a very kind friend. In fact if it wasn't for this Raven, we may have had a lot of bother... Let's just hope Raven and Tara don't have some big fallout later. *Hint, hint.*

And so ends this short review of the small first chapter of 'My Immortal'. I can only warn you that this will get worse, so if you like well-written stories with decent spelling, please just close the window which has 'My Immortal' in it and back away. You may be very thankful.

I wish you well,
   Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers

P.S. Expect much censoring. It only gets worse.

Temporal Feedback Loops

Ooh, it's been a while since I last used so many tags on a single post. Exciting.

After a long hiatus, I have decided to resurrect my 'Time Travel' series of Insights. I'm sure you're all overjoyed to hear what I'm about to tell you. But calm yourselves, dear followers. I simply state the obvious and obscure. The two are very closely related, I'm led to believe.

The subject of my talk today is to be Temporal Feedback Loops and their projected effects. Now, temporal feedback loops are quite annoying, at least to me. These feedback loops are, in a sense, a form of paradox - and an annoying one at that. Allow me to explain firstly by outlining what a temporal feedback loop actually is, and secondly by explaining the implications of such things existing. Then you shall truly understand why temporal feedback loops frustrate me.

Feedback Loops
Okay, so I first need to let you know what a temporal feedback loop actually is. I can only do this by reverting to analogy. (I tend to do that a lot, don't I?)

Imagine, if you will, a microphone and a loudspeaker. The microphone is connected to the loudspeaker so that whatever sound is picked up by the mike is amplified by the loudspeaker by, let's say, a factor of ten. Without other input, the mike simply picks up ambient sound, i.e. the movement of air and suchlike. Even such minute sounds as this are amplified by the loudspeaker so that it is clearly audible to the human ear.

Now, if you were to hold the microphone close enough to the speaker, you would have a problem. This is because, having picked up the ambient sound in the room, the loudspeaker is amplifying that sound. If the mike is in the right (or wrong, depending on your view) position, then the mike picks up that amplified sound, feeds it back to the loudspeaker and has it amplified. This action is looped to produce what is called a feedback loop. Basically, the loudspeaker very quickly begins increasing the level of the sound until - WHUMP! - the loudspeaker conks out, explodes or a failsafe mechanism kicks in. Not good.

In the same way as a sonic feedback loop (described above) occurs, a temporal feedback loop could be equally disastrous. In this next section, I'll tell you exactly how...

The Temporal Feedback Loop Paradox
Right. Let's revert to analogy again. (I only do this because it's the best way of doing this. That, and it's fun.)

You have, for example, a sponge. At some point, it becomes caught in a temporal loop where it is picked up, used to scrub the back of a person's neck, and then put back in its original spot. It loops so as to return to the position it was in just before getting picked up. It then gets picked up again, scrubbed with, set back up again, looped, picked up, etc, etc...

The problem with this is that, while the sponge is looping, it's being subjected to constant wear from constant use. Because looping back through time doesn't actually undo any change caused by what's happened, each time the sponge loops back, it wears away a little more. Over time, like with the sonic feedback loop, the effect builds up into something potentially disastrous.

Of course, this in itself should create a paradox. And that's just impossible, because I explained that earlier on. (See why here.) Therefore, if paradoxes are imposible, and temporal feedback loops cause paradoxes, it is only logical - and indeed correct - to say that temporal feedback loops are impossible.

*           *          *

So that's the trouble with handing objects back through time. This means that you can't create a time machine and go back in time to give it to yourself. However, that's not to say that you can't be given a time machine, build an exact duplicate and then give that one to yourself. That wouldn't cause any harm at all.

While you all get your heads around that one, I'll just go and test that theory... If the world explodes, this post will never reach you. It will also mean that pretty much everything I've set in these 'Time Travel' posts is wrong, which is severely unlikely.

Off to Time Travel - I'll see you in a fraction of a second. With kindest regards,

   Professor Pisces

The MPs Are Dead.

I'm posting this as a general announcement. I have hereby removed all sections of the story 'How the MPs Stole Christmas' from the blog. Why? Well, the answer's simple. If I come across a particular competition accepting stories less than ten thousand words in length based on either a political or Christmassy theme, I would quite like to be able to say "Here! I wrote this," and win the competition. That's unlikely to happen if it's online. So that's the reason.

This, for you authors, means that the number of posts currently published has fallen by approximately fifteen posts. I know that The Editor likes his figures, so this bit's for you, Ed.

Aside from anything else, I'm embarking on an extensive edit, so I'll end up with something pretty different to what I started out with when it's finished. that's just an extra reason for you. Meanwhile, have a picture of Zanta Claws.


Zanta, Zanta, Zanta...



Remember Me?

Yes. I'm back, for a short while. Maybe even only for this post, but I'm back and ready to reclaim my title as the Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers. I have left you on many a cliffhanger during my long hiatus. I was studying - evidently not an excuse worthy enough to the Professor, where he points out that Rinrei herself is in the same year as me and still finds time to post on the blog - but I am back. If I can remember the joy of blogging after this post, maybe you can expect more of me again.

"But what on earth caused you to come back to us?" you ask. Well, my loyal servants slaves readers, that is an interesting story.

More than a week ago, while my parents were out of the house and away, the doorbell rang. Answering it, I found my neighbour holding a Tupperware box with something inside - something I could only describe as slime at the time. She begged me to take it off her hands, so I obliged and was given a set of instructions.

That's right. I got Herman, the friendly yeast.

But anyway, ten days of nurturing Herman went by and at the end of it he made such a lovely cake. But we had bits of Herman left over. Three quarters of him, in fact. Overnight, Herman had tried to take over our kitchen. We knew that we couldn't keep him. My mother destroyed two quarters of Herman, but we felt pity for the last one. So, we thought to ourselves, who do we know in the neighbourhood who would gladly take a piece of Herman...?

We gave it to the Professor. He would only accept Herman on one condition: That I post something on the blog.

So here you go, Professor. Have a post. Was it what you expected? I don't really care at this point. I'll post in the future - probably - but I don't know how close or far away that future is.

Peace out, y'all!
   Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers

P.S. What is all this about me being a Tasmanian Devil?

(Note from The Editor: Ah, the prodigal returns. Better late than never. Still, I suppose I can't complain...
   I would go and read through all the posts that you missed, Evil. Especially 'Comparing Authors with Animals'. In fact, check the whole 'Comparisons' section.
   Ed out.)

Ketl of Fesh - FanFecshun

Okey so wonse epon a tim there wis a wee man with very funy heair who had superhairpowers and a pashin fer riteng but he hd no way 2 shw teh world hs tru pwers so he found a special ketl that was magic!!1!!! the ketl was fild wth fart emo fesh and thei wer ol alerjic tohair so the wee man who was called HARRY POTTER emtid the ketl and got a whole difrnt ketl so it was magc 2 n he set of to find mor fesh bcuz de othr fesh wer hairlerjic nd he found a bear mde of chopsteks cold MATT-AT nd he was rndom so he pot hem n the ketl.sm othr rndom peepl joined bt they wrnt good.

then th werld died the end dont expect me 2 rite mor if yo liekd et thn msg me and if u didnt UR A H8R N H8RS GONA H8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for refrnse, this is MATT-AT:


teknicly a berr med of chopstex


(Note from The Editor: That's the best fanfiction I've ever read. Wow. And is that really your face?
   The Professor's gonna kill you.)

Why I Criticize Fanfiction

For many of the reasons Professor Pisces has already explained (unless the whole set up has been altered and his post is above this), fanfiction is seen as an amateur and stupid way to pass time. Most of the time, this is actually true.

In my many years of writing, I have gotten most of my experience from fan-fiction. I won't deny that I have been writing ever since I was ten (by writing, I mean creating fanfics), and in my earlier years, my writing skills were truly horrific. But back then I thought I was a master. Oh boy, I was in for some trouble. After maturing from my half-hearted writing, I reopened one of my old accounts and read some of my older stories, only to die, torn in half by shock. None of you will get that reference, so I won't explain it.

Not only were my characters beyond Mary-Sue (I may or may not explain this in full one day), but I had no proper plot. As you can tell, I blew up my account. I killed it with fire. Or with Hiei if I feel like being creative.

I created a new account on that very same website and started up writing some new stories. This was a fanfiction website, so you seriously expect less from me? I've learned through trial and error about what makes a good fanfiction and what makes a bad one. So far, over 70% of fanfictions have been riddled with so many spelling and grammar errors that it would make The Eternal Editor cry. (Note from The Editor: Boo-hoo. Saracastic weep.)(Rinrei: You've read the story extract in Evil's post on fanfic. You died on that.) It's worse than mine, and that's saying something. (Note from The Editor: Too true...)(Rinrei: I'm getting better!)

So, being the experienced veteran of story writing that I am, I decided to be an online critic. I point out the errors and stick in ideas. This is generally how the 30% of good fanfiction writers get the rest of the population to improve.

However, there are those who do not want to better their plot and do not want their characters to be original or believable. They want their character to be far superior to all other characters and take the canon characters so out-of-character that it makes me want to head-butt a creeper while stabbing myself in the stomach with a pencil screaming: ALL FANFIC WRITERS SUCK! Luckily, the few remaining good writers, or those willing to change the plot with a bit of advice, have stopped me from dying again by being professional about their writing.

While fanfiction has no proper category of it's own and appears simple enough, it requires work. You need to research every single detail about that canon world and make sure you place your characters into it properly without breaking the laws of that universe and without changing any major plot points. In 'Future Talk', although the story is set in an almost alternative universe, Graphospasm (the author) still managed to keep the laws of the universe in place and even add in a few alternative places of her own (except for the Blue Amazons, which seems a bit too close to 'Avatar').

'Story of the Century' managed to keep the entire plot line perfectly in place and still managed to twist in a new theme and a believable, original character without having to alter anything.

There is also '72 Hours', which is a fanfiction of 'Battle Royale' but far more violent and, in my opinion, more awesome than the original. I wrote the clipping of the girl's index finger into my story before reading it, which scares me. I guess all psychopaths think alike.

So, in conclusion, it is definitely possible to write good fanfiction stories, but don't go thinking that it means that you can twist the characters and plot for your own sick and/or stupid fantasies, because no one will like it unless they also enjoy having characters bend to the will of your perfect Mary-Sue. That, and you may get a very unpleasant visit from me about how your lame story irritates me.

Here are some links to the stories I referred to in this post, to avoid the authors thinking I did not acknowledge them:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5656243/1/Future_Talk: Don't judge it by the beginning; it's supposed to be like that to show off how bad half the fanfiction author population is.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590180/1/Story_Of_The_Century: The best fan-fiction I have ever read, minus '72 Hours'.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1501019/1/72_Hours : The black humour really is to my style, although I don't recommend it for the squeamish.

Oh, I almost forgot, Graphospasm has a blog somewhere, and she's really good. Go and follow her like you follow us, minions: http://graphospastictendencies.blogspot.co.uk/

SIGNING OFF!
   Rinrei

Fanfiction, and Why I Dislike It - Mostly

One of the most common types of writing to be found on the Internet is fanfiction. There are fanfictions of Star Wars, Death Note, Star Trek... You name it and there's a fanfiction of it. But the sad thing is that, despite the gross amount of it, very little of it is actually any good.

Fanfiction, for those of you who don't know, is a form of writing where the author adopts a character, setting or other part of an existing franchise/series and creates a story based around that borrowed element. This is, surprisingly enough, a very widespread thing to do. the benefits of doing this are great: You have much less work to do - the world's already made up, and so you have less stuff to work out for yourself. At the same time, if you misinterpret or misuse an element or idea from whatever you're copying off of, it ends up looking very bad indeed.

This is how most fanfictions turn out. Characters are put in situations they would never get to otherwise, and respond in exactly the wrong way. But there is a deeper problem, and one that cannot simply be attributed to the mere existence of fanfiction. The problem is this: Some people just cannot write.

It works like this. You have an idea, and you think "Wahey, I can go and write that down and everything will be fine!" Nuh-uh. As a friend of mine once told me, "I could be a great writer: I have great ideas, but when I get to writing them down, they look very boring."

Well, perhaps that was paraphrasing, and maybe it's because he is simply the most singleminded, stubborn goat of a jerk I've ever had a reaction to meeting, but it's essentially right. Having an idea and having a framework for something is no good if you can't hang something on it. It's like getting a great canvas and some excellent paints and then drawing a smiley face. Though you have all the tools to create a great work, you have to have some skill to be able to pull it off. This has resulted in some truly terrible pieces of writing that end up as hideous, unintentional parodies of what used to be a good thing. (If you haven't read Rinrei's 'A Bad Story', I would. It's a good example of something really badly written, especially when you compare it to whatever it's based on.)


Just as an example of a 'horrible parody'...

Now this is not to say that I A) do not enjoy some fanfiction or B) dislike the idea. However, this is very similar to saying that I like the idea of healthy food in that I appreciate the concept, but don't exactly enjoy the results. (Ugh... Lettuce.) There is some fanfiction that is well worth a read, assuming you enjoyed the original series or what it was based on.

There is actually quite a lot of what could be considered as 'fanfiction' in mainstream bookstores. For example, the Warhammer series of books. I've never actually read them, but they're reputed to be fairly good, and there are a fair number of them. These are works of fanfiction that have been comissioned and published. The difference between these and amateur fanfiction pieces is that the author is paid to be good. They have an incentive to research the universe, get to grips with the details and eventually execute a good story.


An example of published fanfiction, this one being from the 'Warhammer' universe.

It is due to an absolute lack of this incentive that most fan-made, Internet-published fanfiction is either innacurate or just bad. And that is why I dislike fanfiction. This is not to say, however, that there are not some talented people out there who really should be writing some stuff. But the matter still stands that thre are those who wish to write but can't. To those who try but fail: Nice try, but please - don't keep trying! Try something else. A different genre, perhaps. But it's only when a room is dark that a light can clearly be seen...

If anyone wishes to prove me wrong, I'm more than happy to listen. But seeing as no-one will protest - at all - I'll simply end this here and now.

Please, do not write fanfiction! Write something original.

I Like War: The Sequel

The Eternal Editor knows that when it comes to anything to do with violence, blood, war or irritation I never give in. Mainly because I like war. I'm not sure why, I just do. So, with that in mind, prepare for a cold, merciless war on the blog.

I start this war by stating that I am going to punch Botan so hard that she falls into Inuyasha, and everyone knows that is like mixing lava and dynamite into a blender (well, everyone that knows about this stuff). Now, I end this lovely little comment with my favourite quote: Any time, any place, I'm going to rip off your face.

EDIT: I've noticed that Pisces has a draft on why he hates fanfiction. He better hurry up and post it, as I hate a large majority of it too and I want to create a post on why I hate most of them as well, but not on this one since this is for the war between the Eternal Editor and I.

Right, this is how it's gonna roll.
   Rinrei stands atop a hill. I come up behind her and push her off. She falls to her death and dies. Unfortunately, she's undead, so...

I get back up from the hill, proclaiming that it's just a flesh wound while blood is spurting out of my head. I toss the nearest child in The Eternal Editor's general direction while I go ahead and get a machine gun, shooting bullets in his general direction. I then leap into Professor Pisces' time machine and go back to dinosaur times despite the chances of paradoxes and the such. Seriously, I'm too stupid to care about stuff like that.

Being the infallible android that I am (well I'm the Terminator of Terminators), I emulate a sigh and think a binary code. Opening a temporal rip (Pisces cleared this one with me; yippee) I drop an atom bomb in dinosaur times. Guess what caused the extinction of the dinosaurs? Yup. Me.
   Well, I'm not Eternal for no reason.

I, Rinrei, leap through the very same rift in time and appear right in front of The Eternal Editor with a baby Parasaurolophus (you see the reference there?) and proceed to attack him with it. This Parasaurolophus can breath fire, so I killed you with fire. Not Hiei. Just fire. Green fire, too. Not sure how that changes it, but it does!

Being the infallible android that I am, I emulate death and activate my anti-fire procedures. Basically, I start spurting water like mad.
   Batting the parasaurolophus away (Reference? What reference?) with my mutant tyrannosaur, I smash Rinrei to a pulp. As it should be.

But you failed to realize that the Rinrei you smashed to a pulp was actually an afterimage, and that I leaped back through the time rift and tossed the nuclear bomb that I somehow managed to obtain in your general direction, sealing the rift before the aftershock or radiation hit me. (Parasaurolophus was what Matt was named as an animal. Basically, you just killed Matt.)

Being the infallible android that I am (are you sure you've got the hang of this?), I realise that you couldn't have done that because the atom bomb that I sent through blew up. Having cleared up this paradox, time reverts to its true path and - oh! - you're back where you started, with my mutant tyrannosaur smashing you to a pulp.
  And so what if I killed Matt? Collateral damage!

In which you realise that I am already dead, so your beating me to a pulp results in nothing. And seriously, you think YOU can beat me to a pulp? Clearly you've never seen me in a bad mood.
   The death of Matt results in one angry Professor Pisces, who comes hunting us down with an elephant gun. Let's team up to defeat the true evil before reverting back to our beloved war.

I, Pisces, am the Professor. You cannot kill me. And apparently I have an elephant gun, and just killed Matt. So I'm quite crazy with madness and glee, but then again, I was mad beforehand.
   I aim the elephant gun (what is that anyway?) at you both at the same time, because I went and used that time travel tech that I gave The Editor to recruit my future self. Therefore you cannot kill me me, because that would create a paradox and that's IMPOSSIBLE. Way.
   Now I shoot you both and you die, except Rinrei doesn't because she's undead and The Editor doesn't because he's eternal... We really can't win here, can we? At all.

I take Rinrei out with a wooden stake tipped with garlic (all in the shape of a cross) to the heart while she stares in surprise at the Professor. I can't say I blame her, as this is a rather unexpected turn of events.
   Rinrei dies in pain and anguish. I turn to the Professor, but he appears to have disappeared.

Of course, considering that I'm not a vampire of any sort (I proved this by slamming a stake through the door with a note saying 'vampires have been warned'), this attack has little effect on me. I push down myself and look at my wound. It's just a flesh wound. I turn in the opposite direction and chase after one of the Pisces', determined to defy logic and exterminate the original.

...Despite the fact that they're both the original, just at different points in time. Duh. Haven't you read his posts? I have to. I edit them.
   I use the laws of quantum theory to destroy the universe with me outside of it. The end.

I am no genius when it comes to science, nor do I ever intend to be, but destroy the universe with you outside of it? Have fun with that. Meanwhile, I sit in front of my computer typing up a lame response to your apparent mass-destruction in an alternative universe where you have not gone ahead and destroyed the world where we are having an online battle. After realising that you would probably try and do this at some point, I pack up all my gear and head to Pisces' house to interrogate him about your current location.

Unfortunately for you, the infinite alternate universe theory dictates that in another universe I've already killed dear Pixies (PISCES FOOL!), so that really doesn't work out for you. I randomly do an interdimensional bunny-hop and wind up in a universe where you were killed at birth by a frog with opposable thumbs. I succeed the Queen to the throne and live forever.

Please, I'm fabulous. I kill you with fire. Or Hiei. I don't care, there are many alternative universes and one of my alternative selves is a science genius and leaps into the very same universe you. I accuse you of being a fraud, and people discover that you are not the Queen's son, as earlier thought and they capture you. They torture you and interrogate you until you confess until you are executed. I return to my original universe, where the same bull frog that kill me in the alternative universe kills you. It shoots fire as well, you know. I have a cup of coffee and chuckle as the battle still continues... Editor? Where are you?

Well, I'm right here, of course. And you have no proof that I'm not a prince. You don't know me: Pisces does.
   I ask you what 'Hiei' means and why you continue to think that it's somehow clever. The next move is yours.
   (Also, genius? You? I no longer believe in the theory of infinite alternate universes. Plus, you can't be a 'science genius'. You can be a genius who's super-good at science, but not a 'science genius'. Genius is to do with IQ, not how good you are at something.)

Hiei is a fire demon. He likes burning stuff. Throw said fire demon at stuff and stuff burns. Simple. I say it because it's funny to imagine this demon being thrown at people.
   I know I am not a genius, I came to that conclusion ages ago, but this is not about personal lives or whether you are a Prince or not. As far as I know, Pisces knows no princes. I would know, I threaten him on a daily basis and if there was a prince around, I would ultimately be dead. Don't diss my bad grammar, I'm just cutting time since I should be sleeping like a normal person. Who knows, I might actually be incredibly smart or talented when it comes to certain subjects.
   Anyway, with my general attitude gone at last. I let you start with the first move.

EDIT: I think he's dead. Yep, definitely dead, unless he's given up. *Troll face*
   I'd scream out: I WIN! But I'm sure that's exactly what the Editor is waiting for, so I'll say it quietly I win!

Aha! You've fallen into my trap. You cannot win: I am Eternal. It's in the name. Therefore, I leave you destitute and destroyed, sodden with defeat.
   Pisces knows at least one prince. I am a prince. You have no proof that I am not a prince!
   I transform you into a dish cloth and leave you to soak up your tears. I win.

Of course, Rinrei is in Soviet Russia and in Soviet Russia I win and you lose. Also, I am not a dish rag because otherwise I wouldn't be able to type this and I am typing right now and still surviving the painful death that is bound to occur while writing NaNoWriMo. And me? Cry? I split my knee open and laughed. I saw L die and said not a word. I am immune to pain. So there. Ha. Next!
P.S: Rinrei is awesome.
P.S.S: Will this war ever end?
P.S.S.S: He's forgotten about this again.
P.S.S.S.S: Yep. He's forgotten which defaults me as the winner.

I Propose A War!

Rinrei. You spite me. Your recent post concerning a story that you're writing both intrigues and disturbs me, but I must say that it is the topic of this post. You know the one I mean.

Observant readers may well have noticed a certain post which has a fluctuating title. So far it's flipped between 'This is not a title' and 'Titles Are Important. Suck It Up.' The reason for this unusual phenomenon is simple: I cannot be bothered with laziness (ironic, I know) and like to change the odd title a little bit. Seeing as we are at a bit of a stalemate over what title belongs above that particular post, I seek to find a solution.

I propose a war between myself (The Eternal Editor) and Rinrei. She shall have the first move - ladies and undead, ravening creatures first - and she shall create a post. She'll title it whatever she wants, and then post a short message below. And so shall begin a classic duel, where I shall parry her comment with one of my own. This shall appear directly beneath the previous comment. And so we shall continue, until such time as A) one of us gives in, B) Pisces puts a stop to our fun or C) the post is so long that we need to start a new one.

Yes, it is true that I Like Varr. And I demand satisfaction! Avast, ye scallywag. Pick up the gauntlet or I'll simply mess with ALL your titles. Muhuhahaha... Let the games begin.


I would just like to point out that this is not meant to provoke any kind of anger or annoyance, and would simply make for good fun. I may appear to be grumpy and decrepit, but I like my fun.

I await the war.
   The Eternal Editor

Gustav Klimt

This post has nothing to do with Gustav, nor the Klimt, I shall reluctantly admit. It is in fact to do with the results of the research I conducted on our lovely Matt.

I say, to your expectations, that the answer is: No, he will always be strange, no matter what the cost. This is rather pleasing to hear, for it means he isn't two-faced or, dare I say it, normal. Matt is the core of the blog's silliness and that's what makes him loved. Did I have anything else to say? Ah, yes.

A big warm welcome to our Professor on his return! I would have welcomed him in person, but it saddens me to say that I've been ill for a few days. However, that is all in the past, and we strive to move forward.

My friends, authors and internetters, I bid you another farewell.

Oh, and for all you facebook fanatics, please have a look at this beautiful man and LIKE him:
http://www.facebook.com/feshinon

Bye.

The Truth, Relationships and Myself

Yeah, well, I knew I'd have to let slip eventually. I just didn't expect it to happen on the first freakin' day back... Sigh.

As Rinrei says, I have a girlfriend and Rinrei died when she found out. Fortunately for me (or perhaps unfortunately, seeing as what's about to occur), Rinrei's a vampire and came back to life. But that's pretty much all I'm willing to say about the matter, apart from perhaps that I'm really not the cold, heartless person everyone seems to think me to be. Every coin has two sides, and then there's the side in between. It doesn't happen terribly often, but that elusive third side sometimes shows up. This time, it did. And that's how it shall stay.

Apparently I'm a romantic. I like to think I can just turn a phrase, like what Albus Dumbledore used to do before Snape nabbed him. I don't think too deeply about what I'm about to say, which has resulted in some serious misunderstandings in the past. But I can really say no more - who knows who could read this?

What you can expect from now on is certainly not a complete evaluation of my life, but perhaps I'll be behaving a little strangely for a while. Sudden dashings-off and suchlike. Time shall tell...

Oh, and one more thing. Her name. It's Dragon.

I Don't Care What The Editor Says, I Refuse to Create a Proper Title!

Let me start by saying that the post from before was NOT my long post. I am barely conscious after discovering that Pisces is currently in a relationship with a person I found so unlikely that I stopped breathing and died. A lot like what happened to Evil.

Anyway, I'm back to life with a story I said I would most certainly post up. Now, this is based on a mix of 'Future Diary', 'Battle Royale', 'The Hunger Games' and, apparently, '72 Hours'. The idea is that it is a mix of the stories with my friends and myself inserted as different characters (the names have been changed and there are slight alterations in personalities). So, without further ado, let's post up the results of a bored and violent mind.

*          *          *

The Plot: Fifty students have been selected and left separated in an abandoned mining town. What do they have to do here? Simple: They have to kill one another. Only one person can survive, and that person shall gain glory! The students have as long as it takes to kill everyone there, but there is little food supply and some people are more than willing to kill the others. Everyone has a phone that tells them exactly what one (only one) of the students is doing and where they are. They have been supplied with weapons. But can they do it? Would you survive, or would you die like so many before you? Only time will tell.

Name: Lizzie Borden (Rinrei)
Description: A typical, normal girl who’s a tomboy most of the time, but is actually the most psychopathic out of the entire group. She switches between her usual personality and her psychotic one numerous times throughout a single conversation. Her weapon is a Chainsaw. She has shoulder-length white hair and pink eyes (she's an albino). She is good at hiding and axe crazy, with a well-known slasher smile.
Quote: "Lizzie Borden took an axe, and gave her mother forty whacks. And when she saw just what she'd done, she gave her father forty-one."

Name: Jason Bailey
Description: A loud and boisterous boy to most (including teachers) and known for getting into trouble because of this, he is actually observing what everyone does and twists the situation to his advantage whenever possible. He hates blood. His weapon is a BB Sniper Rifle. He is tall and has brown eyes and brown hair. He is not much of a threat to the others, but is able to trick others into thinking he won't betray them.
Quote: [Megan has just survived an explosion.] “Why won't you just stay dead!?"

Name: Heather Hunter
Description: A shy girl with a goofy and eccentric sense of humour, she is always out to help her friends. She hates fighting, but will try when she has to, although she is not very strong. Her weapon is an M9 Army Knife. She has mid-back length blonde hair and blue eyes. She is good at medical care and hiding, and plans to work in a group with the others to escape, although most of the group disagree with her views and work on their own. She even joins up with Lizzie at some point.
Quote: "All I want is to go home. I want everyone to be able to go home and forget about this."

Name: Emily O'Brian
Description: A cheerful and optimistic girl that dresses in a punkish style to purposefully annoy the teachers. She isn't much of a fighter, but will defend people in trouble and has a strong sense of justice. Her weapon is a Crossbow. She has upper-back length blonde hair and green eyes. She is good at spying and also believes that everyone should work in a group to escape.
Quote: "You know, I'm really starting to hate Mondays."

Name: Ryan Knight (Skald)
Description: The eldest of the group and the most mature, he is always making sure the others are okay. He isn't much of a fighter, but prefers to disturb people and make them go crazy (nah, he couldn't do that without getting caught, but that's what traps are for). He is also insane, with a tendency to laugh when the others are trying to escape from one of his traps (unlike the actual Alex, who is simply mad). His weapon is a Straight Razor. He has short brown hair and brown eyes.
Quote: [Caitlin has just killed someone.] “I had no idea she could do that."

Name: Megan Daniels (Bear)
Description: The second oldest of the group, but one of the least mature. She appears to also be slightly axe-crazy, brutally killing someone on the spot when she gets the chance. Her weapon is a Small Farming Scythe. She has shoulder-length black hair and hazel eyes.
Quote: "If you don't mind having your legs ripped off, then by all means try and kill me."

Name: Olivia Bickham
Description: A laid back, rebellious teenager that acts as an older sister to most of the group, she is more of a pacifist and sits back to watch the others fight without really doing anything. Her weapon is a Broad-Bladed Kitchen Knife. She has short, dyed blue hair and green eyes.
Quote: "I should leave soon. Far too many people have died here, maggots*referring to students* are going to come."

Name: Taylor Harker
Description: A goofy, carefree person who’s always out for a good laugh, she has a bad temper, but usually has good intentions. Instead of fighting, she sets up traps instead to avoid running into others. Her weapon is a Rifle. She has long red hair and brown eyes. She is only a threat to others because of her traps and she is always able to escape from others.
Quote: [While talking about Lizzie.] “She won't die. Not even when you kill her."

Name: Connor Dey
Description: A typical if perverted teenager who is dating Caitlin. He often gets yelled at by the girls because of the way he acts, although he brushes it off most of the time. He is a bit of a coward and hates fighting. His weapon is a Butter Knife. He has blonde hair and blue eyes. He is often mistaken for being a girl.
Quote: "What the hell is she!? The Terminator!?"

Name: Amy Kincaid
Description: A seldom and straight-A girl in school, she was recently transferred from England. She uses British humour most of the time and gets along well with everyone. She tries to avoid the fights with the others by carefully making her way away from previous fighting areas and instead focuses on getting enough food. Her weapon is Handgun. She has upper-back length blonde hair and brown eyes.
Quote: "I think her friend just spotted me. Did she?" [Shots are fired in her general direction.] "Yes she did!"

Name: Caitlin Blake
Description: An eccentric but cheerful girl who is dating Connor. During the story, she still appears cheerful to the point of insanity. She doesn't fight much, but when she does, she gets violent. Her weapon is a Hatchet. She has chin-length black hair and blue eyes. She's best at sneaking up on people.
Quote: "Oh my, I got blood all over my new shirt."

Name: Timothy 'Tim' Turpin (Professor Pisces)
Description: A narcissistic but incredibly intelligent individual, he spends most of his time in the library or at home when he isn't at school. In the story, he starts to become calculative, using people's fears against them to get what he wants. His weapons are three Hand Grenades. He has curly blonde hair and green eyes. His best skill is using people to his advantage.
Quote: “If you’re going to try and kill me, at least be smart about it.”

Prologue

Michael took one look at the city landscape and let out a low whistle.

"Jesus Christ, this one sure was violent." There were fifty students placed inside a large city and already he could see the corpse of one of the students lying on the ground, their head split open and blood running down the path. (It was suicide, apparently.) It was difficult to tell from such a distance, but it looked like a girl.

Nick collected a ring from one of the bodies and shoved it in the black bin bag. People would pay a lot for gold rings.

"Better hurry up, Mike; when it's night they'll get rid of all the goods." Michael sighed and turned away from the view. The remaining member of the team - Jack - looked at them in disgust.

"What happened to you guys? Don't you feel bad about taking stuff off dead bodies?" He refused to touch any one of them. Nick and Michael stared at each other until Michael finally gave in and decided to tell Jack what happened.

"They're the people that lost the Game." Jack looked at Michael, puzzled. Michael found it strange; it was common knowledge to know about the Game. He took a seat next to Jack and took out a cigarette, only to realize that he had left his lighter at home.

"Basically, fifty students from either the same school or two different schools are selected to take part in the Game. In the Game, each student is given a weapon and they have to go around killing one another until only one survivor remains. That person is deemed the winner."

"B-but why would the government let that happen? Surely this is illegal." Michael watched Nick clip off the index finger of a dead blonde girl to get at her ring. He gave it a look and shoved it into his bag.

"You would think so, but the person that runs the company that does this is also the son of the President."

Jack flushed with anger. "That's no excuse! Just because he's the son of the President doesn't mean he should be allowed to order a bunch of teenagers to kill each other..."

Michael hushed him, looking around, worried. "That's just the way it is. It also helps cut down problems like crime among young adults and such. To be honest..." he leaned forward, so he couldn't be seen by any of the cameras, which he was certain were still on air. "... I think he does it simply because he can."

Jack bolted up and glowered at Michael as though it was his fault.

"Don't go giving me the evils, kiddo. That's just the way it works. The rich lead, and we follow. Now..." he stood up and shoved the cigarette into his pocket, lifting his bag over his shoulder. "... If you want to feed your family, I recommend you get to work now."