Let's See How Smart You Are...

Yes, with all the exams over, I'm posting up as much work as I can. I came up with this a while ago. Bats, if she's reading this, already knows the answer. So, let's see how intelligent you are.

1. Read all the instructions before doing anything.
2. 
   Times six by sixty six.
3. Double this, then divide it by three.
4. Divide this by four.
5. Times this by 21.
6. Times it by five.
7. Divide this by 100.
8. Round this up to the nearest 10.
9. Divide this by four.
10. Half it.
11. Take away three.
12. Don't follow instructions 2-11

So how did you do? At least two people would have failed this.

Signing off!
   A random troll.

The Top Ten Most Disturbing Anime Characters - The Golden-Tooth Doctor

After remembering that this actually existed, I decided that I should continue it, as I hate things being left unfinished. (Note from The Editor: What about your life?) Let me start by saying that I have no idea who Daniel Huber is, but I have met Chuck Huber and he is awesome as heck. Especially with his 'interpretative dancing'.

Anyway, this character is from the show 'Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood'. For those of you who don't know this show, burn in Hell. I shall hunt you down with a spork and torture you until you watch the entire series. I am in the process of doing this to Skald, and am planning on doing the same with Pisces after his 'Anime sucks' comment, which he didn't actually say aloud, but thought rather strongly instead.
The Golden-Tooth Doctor is a minor character in the show that only appears in two or three episodes, but that's enough to leave an impact. If he had been around longer, I might have put him up next to the Major (who he seems a lot like).

Anyway, the Golden-Tooth Doctor is an evil and sadistic man in his 70s who uses little children for experiments (or did) by injecting philosopher stones into their blood stream. This may or may not kill them slowly and painfully, and the entire time he is grinning.

In his later tribute, he uses those kids that are now full-grown men to make another philosopher's stone and tortures one of the main characters, all for the sake of the main villain's plan. Personally, I think he just did it because it was fun.

He only dies because an even more sadistic villain decides he doesn't like him and uses him for a sacrifice. He doesn't mind though, he's still grinning despite the fact he is a blob (except he isn't, but he might as well be).

So, without further ado, here's a picture of the nut job.

Look into his eyes... And tell me he's sane.

Well, let's just say an apple a day keeps the deranged doctor away.

Signing off!
   Rinrei

Concerning Iron Wool

This is a disclaimer to say that Bill's post may well have been a lie, though I cannot guarantee this. All I can say is that the part concerning me is a lie.

First of all, let me point out that I am the furthest from bald that you have ever seen in a person. Matt has likened me to cauliflower (insensitive, but unusually true) while others have, in their own time, called me Afro-Cat and Mop. Some say that my longest work of fiction to date was all about my killing someone - I dispute this: it was the mop who murdered the man. And that was written years ago, back when I had time to spare on haircuts.

Secondly, I have no Iron Wool in my hair, though people (myself included) have speculated as to what actually does reside in my golden locks. I'm pretty sur there is no Iron or Steel Wool in my hair. Deal with it. If there was, then I'm sure I would set off the metal detectors in airports all the time, and seeing as I'm there a fair amount, the lack of that occurring leads us to assume that NO STEEL WOOL EXISTS. Unless, of course, my hair simply threatens to eat the metal detectors unless they lie.

Thirdly, I have hired our good Bill, but not for the given reason. I have hired him to casually and slowly kill Matt, and seeing as to his recent undeadness, one can assume that he first succeeded before slowly failing. This is an error in judgement on his (Matt's) part, as is rather obvious. He should never have been near that radioactive chicken.

Well, now I'm off to prepare to visit France in honour of those who read my blog. Hello, France! We shall be seeing much more of one another rather soon, I'm sure. Come to Paris to meet me. Just don't expect me to a) recognise you or b) care very much.

Until the time of Geel,
   Pisces

Revealing Identities

I'm afraid, everyone, I've been keeping my identity a secret from you, my fellow authors. I am in fact an assassin for hire that will carry out any deadly deed if I get the sufficient amount of coin. In this case, Pisces paid me to... Keep the blog slightly more active. It's not something I specialise in, but I get the income.

But I'm not the only one with secrets. In fact, I've done my fair share of spying on you authors, and I've discovered some very interesting things about you.

First of all, I'm aware that Pisces has an uncanny fear of a Zulu Lawyer inviting him out to play volleyball in the Amazon Rainforest. He's also bald, but he sewed Iron Wool into his scalp and spraypainted it blond.

Secondly, I've come to understand that Matt, when it isn't necessary to act superior, enjoys brushing his teeth in very public places. Also, although he doesn't show it, he loves the name Franz, especially for a slug.

Next we have Rinrei. She enjoys the music of Daniel Auber and finds Lizard People attractive. As well as that, she has a sixth sense which tells her whether or not old folk dislike her.

Now we have EMoC. She has been dead for 15 years now, but her spirit lives on and is currently working for the CIA.

Finally we have The Editor. I've got it; the Editor's secret! And now you'll all know what's behind the ominous being we know as The Eternal Editor. The Editor, believe it or not, is actually sc-ERROR 1252589978090001029384020193040493948 DATA CANNOT BE FOUND.

THIS IS AN INTERNAL ERROR THAT IS THE FAULT OF THE-ETERNAL-EDITOPTER screeshuptinuptitudinal1988680348978987654539016348

Now for More Stuff!

これはまだ私に属していない別の曲ですが、私は好きです。だから私はそれを宣伝している。Google翻訳は、純粋なちんぷんかんぷんにこれを有効にしますが、私は喜んで私が事前に警告を表示しなかったと言うことができます。それでは、お尻からこの爆発を試してみましょう！


Trolololol


aimai 3(sann) senchi
sore PUNE tte koto kai? chou!
na kyuubunka seifuku na furite koto nai? boon! 
ganbacchau? yacchaccha? son tokkya KYACCHI ANDO Release yo
I say (Fuu) I say (Fuu) no tanima ni Darling! Darling! P L E A S E!!


nan kantaru-
nanka deru-
aishiteru-
are-
ikko ga chigatterun run-
nayaminbo-
koutetsubo-
oishinbo-
IIKAGEN NI SHINASAI!!


tondetta aistu mo moteru ka na
datte iwayuru futsuu no onna no ko
ODOROITA!
atashi dake
tonkotsu
harigane
OKAWARI! dadada


BON-BON ouendann Let's get cherry pie!
RAN-RAN kangeikai You've got a sensation!
High!
sonzaikai
tenten shouwakusei
butsukatte
tokimashta
bouzen
ooi ni utatte
SING AND DANCE!


motteike saigo ni waraccharu no wa atashi no hazu
SE-RA-fuku dakara desu
ketsuron


getuyoubi nanoni! kigen waruino dou suru yo?
natsufuku ga iinodesu
kawaii!

seifuku in 3 PI-SUsorya matette chuucho da YAN!
GANBATTE! YEAH!
HORIKITTA! YEAH!
My darling! Darling!P L E A S E!


私はあなたが適切な英語にそれを置けば完全に微妙でありながら、それがたくさんのことを意味するか気づいた。私は誰かが実際に言ったまでそれが意味したものを実現していませんでした。これは子供のショーです！


Have fun, Editor. (This is slight revenge for numerous other times.)


Rinrei

Exams are Over!

Rinrei here, not writing with capital letters because The Eternal Editor removed them!
Anyway, allow me to explain why I am happy. Either that or you can just read the title. I'll give you a moment to do that now and allow your brain to process it.

That's right, exams are officially over! This means many things for the blog. First, it means that I'll be working on here more often and have less excuses for lame posts about rubbish topics I hate. It also means that Evil will be back!

That's right, EMoC, you have to come back. You have no excuses anymore. Evil hasn't been on for almost three months, and hasn't even read anything on the blog, so she sure is in for a lot of trouble and/or ranting when she gets back on here and sees we've been comparing her to tiny creatures of little significance and claiming she is deceased (we even had a private funeral).

So with that, get to work people! I want to see something interesting coming up!

Welwn ni chi yn Heck! (Translation: See you in heck!)

   Rinrei

A Small Summary of the Future

Google Translate fog kapcsolni ezt a halandzsa, de engem nem érdekel többé. Csak egy kis figyelmeztetés a Kintore Nyári Fesztivál. Később megyek is meghirdet egy nagyon hosszú ... bejegyzést atömegpusztító okozott, hogy én ott, mert a lézer (ne adj egy lézer, még egy hamis 1), de most akkor csak kell rendezni a magyarfordítás.


Elmegyek, hogy megszegjék a törvényt!


Szignálása!

   Rinrei


(Tudnia kell, most már, hogy szeretem fordult angol nyelven a különböző ezen a ponton. Ez, és csinálom, hogy annak ellenére Matt.)


EDIT: I am too scared of the murderous intent in the living room to translate this. To summarize, Skald went missing and I had no way of calling home so I was three hours late. My mum is scarier than me when she's angry and when I got home she was so angry she smiled. When someone smiles when they're angry, you know you're in for hell. So here I am in my room waiting for my demise. Lord help me.

Translating General Madness Again with The Eternal Editor

Well, it's taken me a while but I'm getting around to translating this mangled message. As per usual, a translation paragraph by paragraph is what shall occur.

Google Translate will turn this gibberish, but I do not care anymore. Just a little warning in the Kintore Summer Festival. Later I also advertised for a very long time... e.g. caused devastating nuclear entry that I was there because of the laser (do not give me a laser, even a fake one), but now you just need to settle the Hungarian translation.

I disagree, Rinrei. It appears that Google Translate made partial sense of your gibberish, but alas, its grammar algorithms need some work. Go, Translate team, go! But 'devastating nuclear entry'? Really? I had to break up the word 'atömegpusztító' to get that far. I'm assuming it's to do with nuclear warfare, but that aside, I don't know.

Well, the show must go on whether Rinrei makes sense or not.

I'm going to break the law! Sign-off, Rinrei.

Yeah... Good luck with that.

(You should know now that I love the variety of English turned at this point. This and do that even though Matt.)

Okey dokey, now I'm fairly sure that she's hung up on Matt or something. Probably jealous of his status as Captain Weird But Not Wonderful, though I doubt that'll stay that way for long.

I'm done here. Enjoy whatever nuclear warfare Rinrei attempted to promise you.

A Premier to Attend and a Series to Watch

Tomorrow, something quite interesting is occurring that I'm sure you'll all be interested in. A friend of mine - a certain Dan, in fact - has written for himself a series of Audio Plays entitled 'Plan of Action'. Today at midnight (American time) he releases the first video.

As far as I'm aware, the series is to be about astronauts and an uninhabited planet that shows signs of being previously inhabited. This would, of course, have major implications. Recorded by himself, it's quite the achievement to write and record an Audio Drama such as this singlehandedly.

Please join Dan and co. over at his YouTube channel to join in with the 'premier' of Season 1. Even if you can't make it, please do watch or listen to the vids - they're set to be very interesting. Join him at http://www.youtube.com/user/JohnsonProducStudios

Thanks folks - I'm going to enjoy the premier at my own time, meaning five or six in the morning tomorrow.

A passage of time later... Here's the video, newly released over the Internet by the writer, producer and director, Dan. Whoever said that men couldn't multitask?

Enjoy, people. And do press the little 'Like' button and drop a comment.

Benchmarque

Seeing as The Editor has declared Rinrei as Captain Insanity, I believe it is time for me to restore some law and order to this dark alleyway. Just in case I should ever be bothered to restore my status as a person. Or at least a greater ape. Or a monkey. Or a mammal. Or in fact, anything that is not under the colloquial of 'obese'. Or 'overweight'. Or even 'slightly pudgy'.

Back to the incestuous overdose of crime at this junction. Stop it. I mean stop the crime. And the incestuous overdosing. Or I will personally beat you people (or obese folk, if I feel politically correct) to death with a small kitchen utensil. Such as a spoon. Or a spork.

Keep in mind that the only information that has been conveyed through that last two paragraphs was to stop. The sum total. And the only specification on what to stop was 'incestuous overdose'. If you can make any sense of that, you are probably wrong. Also definitely.

Now let's go fly a kite! Up to the highest height!

Ducks with beards and several pitchforks.

La Gardenia

Cette chanson ne m'appartient pas, mais ceux d'entre vous qui ontentendu les paroles savoir à qui il appartient. C'est ou vous avez coché les paroles. Je l'ai fait parce que je m'ennuyais et qu'il n'avait rien d'autre à faire. Vous devriez aussi remarquer mon mauvais français.




Questo profumo di gardenia
Fa incantare anche il sole.
Mi scordo di tutto
E mi unisco con lui,
Questo profumo è l’anima mia.
La mia viaggiatrice, gardenia.
Sei un fiore triste
Che sboccia nell’ isola disabitata
Il tuo odore è come il mio sogno.
Gardenia, sei bella ed onesta
E mi dai il magico splendore.
La dolcissima sembianza
Rende il mio sangue nero.
E aspetterò la luna di stanotte.
Il mio fior bianco è falso, gardenia.
Viene alla porta del labirinto.
Ti stringerò per sempre
Fra le braccia con affetto.
Dammi un bacio, amor!
Per sempre, gardenia.



Adieu toi bien, abrutis.
   Rinrei

Translating General Madness, with The Eternal Editor

Rinrei, I'm going to kill you!

Well, seeing as none of us usual people will actually have understood this, I shall make use of the wonderful software known as Google Translate to sort out this madness as far as I can tell, it's a poem. But aside from this, I can't tell you what the heck the idea of this whole thing is.

The things I do for this blog, honestly... And the funny thing is that although I'm forever grumpy about it, it's the thing I enjoy most about this blog. Madness. I must be sane.

Here beginneth the beginning. The start seems to be French. Good on France, I say.

This song is not mine, but those of you who know the words ontentendu (translate this to 'shall', perhaps?) to whom it belongs. It's either you checked the lyrics. (This is nonsensical...) I did it because I was bored and had nothing else to do. You should also notice my bad French.


Okey dokey, then it changes into some other language. Hang a sec while I try out Spanish, because French implodes at this point. Oh wait! It's Italian. Here we go...

This scent of gardenia

Bewitches the sun.
I forget everything
And I join with him,
This perfume is my soul.
My traveler, gardenia.
Are you a flower sad
That blooms in uninhabited island
Your smell is like my dream.
Gardenia, you are beautiful and honest
And give me the magical splendor.
The sweet semblance
It makes my blood is black. (Because that makes sense...)
And wait for the moon tonight.
My white flower is false, gardenia.
Come to the door of the maze.
I'll hold you forever
Among the arms with affection.
Give me a kiss, love!
Forever, gardenia.

I'm really not sure where this is all coming from. I can only expect this to be an expression of dear, deep love towards a secret viewer. Now there's a final bit. I bet this'll be a beautiful ending to this love letter... French again. How romantic.

Farewell thee well, morons.
   Rinrei

Or maybe not. My bubble's burst. I give up.

So, despite the fact that that made little or no sense, nice job, Rinners. You really are the maddest of us all. Unless, of course anybody wishes to dispute this...?

Regards, The Eternal Editor

Rinrei Rants No. (I'm Too Overheated to Care)

Okay, there are certain things in this world I can endure with ease, including heat. However, I cannot stand strong heat blazing over my head and the sun laughing at me like the sun out of Soul Eater (yes, Pisces, a reference, come at me bro). I especially hate it when I have to do things under the Soul Eater Sun's heat of death.

This is why I hate today. Today it was a hot day. And I was made to walk in this hot day. In heels. I'm not sure who knows why I was wearing said heels, but I was wearing them. I was also wearing a long-sleeved blouse, although I had the excuse of covering my sunburnt arms for this.

It was after the exams that my friends, despite having the knowledge that I was wearing these two things and I had no money to buy water, decided it would be fun to go on a nice, long walk up a hill.

Instantly, you can see many problems with this, but allow me to go into problems that are also involved in my genes. I have pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes. Not a good mix for strong heat. The fact that I was previously sunburnt also adds to a good few problems.

I spent the first hour or so perfectly fine, but my brain began to scramble after being on the roundabout a few times, but this wasn't enough for my friends. No, they wanted to go all the way to the park to play on the death slide.

I was fine for a while, but then I started to feel thirsty and it became difficult to walk (I later found out that the blisters on my heels were larger that 50p pieces) and I began to rummage for water, finding out I had none. Hyper gave me her remaining water before deciding to hike up to an interesting place called 'the broken square' which was once a warehouse, in order to play hide-and-seek.

I decided to play this one game, but already I had a pounding headache, my breathing had become heavy and it was difficult to walk. Only later would I realise that I was suffering from both dehydration and heat stroke.

I limped back to school and finally managed to get a bottle of water, only to find the bus ten degrees hotter than outside and any more than 20 minutes would see me collapsing.

I told my mum the story and she flipped after seeing the blisters on my heels, claiming I should have more sense (although she should know that my other pair of shoes would never be good for this kind of thing and she knew my friends got me involved), which results in this non-ranting rant of rantiness.

SIGNING OFF!
   Rinrei

P.S. Pisces, you have forgotten to update the news. Go on, edit this out, I dare you.

(Note from The Editor: I'm gonna leave this, just for kicks. Go on, Pisces. Do your worst.)

The Top Ten Most Disturbing Anime Characters: Rena Ryugu

I shall ignore Pisces' earlier comment about Anime sucking, because I'm going to shoot him down tomorrow. Either that or I'm going to nuke the school from Russia. Naturally. So, without much delay, here's the next part of  'The Top Ten Most Disturbing Anime Characters'.

At the beginning of this lovely little horror show known as 'When They Cry', you see someone getting beaten to death with a baseball bat (how lovely). You instantly know that this is going to be graphic and gory all the way.

One of the main characters is a girl called Rena Ryugu. At the beginning she appears lovely, sweet and she randomly bursts out with "I'M TAKING IT HOME!" whenever she sees something she deems cute (i.e. everything). However, when you get to episode three, you begin to see some changes.

Now I'm not sure if this is all in the mind of Keiichi (the main character of this arc), but it's still frightening as heck. Her original name was Reina and she moved out of Hinamizawa due to unknown reasons. As the story progresses, we find out she smashed all the windows in her school and beat up three boys she used to be friends with in the process (one lost his eye), and that isn't even the scary part. In the first arc, she starts her little horror act by following Keiichi everywhere without him knowing or it being possible. I have only one current quote now, but it's still creepy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fWj6-pQxes&feature=relmfu

You just need to watch this part of one episode to understand the general creepiness of Rena. She gets worse too.

Later on in the show, after somehow recovering from death numerous times, she is the one that becomes the main character and, slowly but surely, goes completely insane, holding the whole school hostage and torturing one of the main characters in front of the children.

The main reason for her being on this list is because she appears so sweet and innocent numerous times in the show and you really get to like her. It's just like what they say: When she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad she was Horrid (or insane).

Here's a picture of her to cheer you up now. The green one is her friend, who sadly didn't make it onto the list.

This is one high school student you don't want to meet at the end of an alleyway.

Signing off!    Rinrei

Comparing Authors with Legendary Folk

Yeah, well you kind of asked for it, people. Bill, you made me an androgynous Monk. And Matt's failed to post forever. And so has Evil, only with more success. Rinrei I have nothing against except her nonexistence. The Editor can simply edit out whatever I say, so I shall say nothing. Still, you all must suffer...

Therefore, I have decided to exact revenge by comparing people with other people. People of legend... Famous faces that never lived... This shall be interesting.

Let's go in alphabetical order, seeing as that's the trend just now. Which means we start with our dear old man, Bill.

Bill
Bill, our most old of creatures (despite him not really being that old at all), is a little bit of a reclusive oldster who only comes out every so often to have a rant, usually about once a week. Due to these apparent facts, he is now christened...

Rip van Winkle. Well, he did sit down for a nap and sleep a hundred years, didn't he? So he's old, a bit grumpy and only comes out once in a long period of time. So it's perfect, really.


Old, old, old... He went to sleep for a 100 years. How lazy.

Bill dealt with, we now move onto...

Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers
EMoC is, alas, rather extinctified at present and so cannot answer to any accusation made of her. This makes for some rather interesting opportunities by way of presenting her. Hee hee...

It is difficult to categorise such a person as Evil, simply because she's never around anymore. However, she is rather fiery, prone to killing people and more than a bit small. She's also rather creative in the musical department. This rather obviously leads to her being Little Boy Blue. Except she doesn't play the trumpet.


See? Small. And musical.

And of course Evil is prone to sleeping under haystacks. Go figure.

Evil out of the way, I would move onto Matt except for the fact that he comes last in the alphabet. So it's not Matt taking the stage, but rather...

Professor Pisces
Ah... Me, the illustrious, egotistical and mildly narcissistic founder and director of the Kettle. I do love to write, and i do love to simply annoy people and argue for the sake of it. A close friend told me rather recently that if I make it into government, I will be assassinated for the things I've said. Hee hee... I look forwards to that day. But not really. That would be stupid.

Since I'm apparently 'untrustworthy', musical and tend to hatch plots like bird breeders hatch eggs, I must (quite naturally) be named forevermore as... The Pied Piper.


Toot, toot...

Next up is our resident psychopath!

Rinrei
Rinrei is, by definition, a changeable entity. Sometimes a delight and others a terror, she can be annoying at pretty much any time and is prone to quoting far too much Anime and other terrible shows. (Yes, that was an assault on the whole Japanese comic book franchise. Deal with it.) Unfortunately, those who cross her die, so that simply makes her... The Queen of Hearts.

Unusual obsessions: Check. Somewhat volatile: Check. A remorseless killer: Check. Looks like she's checkmate with the Red Queen.


Yes, she is a card. Go figure.

Next up, our very own nasteesh...

The Eternal Editor
I said nasteesh. I meant it.

The Editor is generally complained about for being a bit grumpy, which is rather reasonable considering that he is generally grumpy. This probably results from being the personification of... Death.


'Cause that's not morbid at all...

Well, if you thin about it, he does get very annoyed, he was certainly quite pale (which is true) and he likes to wear robes that quite simply drown him. I think he may own a scythe, though it may just be a picture of one. It looked real when I scanned it. But still...

Which leaves us the forgotten, semi-extinct Matt.

Matt
Matt is, as of now, a non-entity that exists. Dead for a long time now, he resurfaces every so often in the form of loose femurs, ribs and other bones. He's also morbidly obese due to his innate laziness and tends to be very creepy. Small children find him amusing whereas everyone else knows him to be mad. This, of course, makes him...

Santa Claus.


Fat, fat, fat...

What, you didn't know that Santa Claus doesn't exist? Well, talk to Matt about it. I'm sure he'll... console you.

This marks the end of this lengthy and entertaining post. If any authors have any objections as to how I've portrayed them, then they can stuff it. This post is un-editable! Exist by The Editor, who seems to find a way to edit everything...

Goodbye folks. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday and a good Thanksgiving in advance to all those Americans. Because, as we all know, Thanksgiving is the day on which we slaughter turkeys for no reason other than to burn them, nibble on the charred flesh and feast on leftovers for the next seven months.

Comparing People to 'Soul Eater' Characters

Originally I was going to post a rant, but Bill got me started on this again. By the way, Bill, I WANTED THE AXE!

Anyway, for those of you who don't know, Soul Eater is an Anime created by Atsushi (At SUSHI!) Okubo revolving around three teams trying to turn their weapons into Death Scythes. I recommend you watch it, especially if you want to really see someone go insane.

So, without further ado, let's start alphabetically. Naturally.

Bill

From what I have discovered, Bill is eccentric and unusual, but surprisingly reclusive when provoked or around strangers. He's also rather frightened of people like the Editor or I (well, we're insane). However, he is capable of attacking back even though the attacks are nothing but a bug bite when it comes to tough people. That's why he's Eruka Frog.



Although I doubt he looks like that.

Evil

Evil is currently dead due to spontaneous combustion. Even I haven't seen her. However, when she was alive, she had ninja skills. This is why she's Sid Barrett.

Yes, she's a blue zombie. Deal with it.

Matt
Matt is the weirdest of us all with a habit of acting goofy in appearance and manner. He usually has a sing-song voice. I'm not sure if he has foam hands that he uses to karate-chop people, but if he does, congratulations! He's unpredictable, switching from goofy and stupid to dangerous and violent within seconds. Not much more to say other than that. All I can really say is beware the silly ones.


"And I'm coming for you."

 Professor Pisces
Well, this is a difficult one. He has a big ego (I shall not deny this) and is incredibly smart (oh look, there goes his ego!). He prefers to make eccentric entrances rather than quiet ones and also has weird hair. That's why he's Black Star.

See, his hair is madness!

Rinrei
Oh boy, time for myself. I appear goofy and reckless with a habit of sounding annoying as heck, but I'm actually usually serious and prone to being irritated by lazy people. I try to work hard and sometimes study for so long that I drop unconscious from lack of sleep (or close to it). (Note from The Editor: That's called being tired.)  However, I also have a darker side, and I am prone to snap into bursts of insanity when pushed too far. I guess this makes me Maka from what I'm currently reading. Mainly because of crazy Maka than normal Maka. 

I've been told I look like her, but other than the hair I see nothing.



Also, here's crazy Maka so you know what I was just talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6F0TMlH8vMo

The Eternal Editor

Ah, the strange creature known as The Eternal Editor. Not much is known about this guy, other than he enjoys dissecting our posts and is always serious. Beware of this guy, because he'll sneak up on you when you least expect it. I guess this makes him Dr. Stein due to his dissecting habit (of posts).

Ironically, that's how I see him. Just lurking in his room, waiting for posts to appear so that he can dissect them.

That's all! Signing off!

   Rinrei

Comparing Authors with Fire Emblem Characters

I apologise for this but we all knew it was coming. However, when it was coming was the mystery. Today, I shall be comparing myself and my dear companion authors with, you guessed it, Fire Emblem characters.

It only seems fair that we go in alphabetical order which means... Who's first? Oh, that's right! Me!

Bill: Hector

This character suits me for a few reasons, the main one being that he favours the axe. But this character is also statistically similar to me: he's fast, and he has high defence. Whilst this is all very well, his lack of health is a major disadvantage. His in-game attitude is also similar to mine: bold, straight-forward and blunt. This is me mostly, but people's attitudes change depending on their mood. He's also a Lord in his game, that's nothing to do with me, but I just thought I'd let you know.

So, next is EMoC.

Evil Mistress of Cliffhangers: Lyndis



Lyndis is an independent and capable young woman who deeply cares for her family and friends... Yup... That's about it. Oh, she's also in love with Hector. Hahaha, I jest of course. Also, my apologies, EMoC (in case you ever read this) but there aren't many Fire Emblem characters that suit you.

(Note from The Editor: Isn't that due to her prevailing dead-ness?)

Now I believe it is Matt (for the 'The' in 'The Eternal Editor' counts.)

Matt: Soren




Not only does Matt love Soren for being "cute", but they share similarities. Soren is a very intelligent, secluded individual. He only trusts one person, and that is Ike (Matt, how dare you not trust me), and he has a strong dislike towards, well, everything. Soren is also a mage (sage if promoted) and both classes have the ability to use magic. Matt is a well renowned witch and witches also have the ability to cast spells. Coincidentally, you could say that Soren is Matt's favourite Fire Emblem character, with the exception of Kyle, his love interest.

Now, we'll have a probably offended, Professor Pisces.

Professor Pisces:

Lucius

Meet Lucius. Odd name for a lady, yes? That's because it's a man. That is what you call androgynous. Lucius is a monk. These are like mages, however they are limited to only being able to use light magic, which mages can't. I have a feeling that if you straightened Pisces' hair, then he'd look something similar to this (my sincere apologies). Despite him being the most feminine man in the universe (both ours and the Fire Emblem universe), he is pretty cool. He is of very high intelligence and has good stats. He specialises in attack and speed, however his defence and health are very low, much like every magic user in the series.

Now for the Rin of the Rei.

Rinrei: Serra

Sorry, Rinrei. Ah well, this is Serra, a Cleric in the game she's featured in. Clerics are healers that can be promoted to Bishops, which can use light magic. She has an amusing rivalry with the Monk, Lucius. She can be rather evil and demanding, but that's why she's like our lovely Rinrei. Her and Lyndis are fairly close, as Serra was one of the first females to join Lyn's group. Statistically, she has high health (which is unusual for a magic wielder) and the rest of her stats are fairly all rounded. Now I'm going to run, before Rinrei kills me.

BUT! Not until I've covered every last author. To finish, we have our very own, Eternal Editor.

The Eternal Editor: The Black Knight

We come to the Editor, the most feared and formidable member of our blog. The Black Knight is a mysterious, powerful and overall terrifying unit. When he appears, he'll just sit and wait for someone to walk by. When they do, they WILL die. But that's just his job. Much like our Editor, he'll just sit and edit a post (most likely Rinrei's), and if anyone complains, they WILL die. By which I mean they'll get an e-mail from an angry Editor saying that he's just doing his job. Moral to this story, don't upset the Editor, or the Black Knight for that matter. Do either of the two, and it will not end well.

So I believe I have covered everyone. Now I'm going to run from a Rinrei and a possibly angry Pisces. Until next time, my friends.

Unusual Viewings

Well, whether Pisces likes it or not, I'm posting. Which means you'll either all be happy or, so help me, I will not do anything about it. Which, come to think of it, really isn't a good threat.

The topic for my post today is the utter randomness with which our top posts are ordered. It's unusual not for any negative reason, per se, but rather the seeming randomness of the posts involved. Those that have me in particular wonder are the top two viewed posts (linked to via the titles):

1. 'Comparing Authors with Animals' by Professor Pisces
2. 'Death in Paradise, Episode 6 - An Episode Review' by Professor Pisces

Unusual, isn't it? Why would so many people be that interested in an innacurate (if hilarious) representation of the blog's myriad authors? Simple answer is: The pictures have drawn people. Plus, it's hilarious. Bill as a hog-nosed snake... Chortle.

Also, unusual, isn't it? Why would so many people wish to read a review of a more-than-ancient episode of a now dormant crime drama? Why, just today we had a troupe of folk peering in at all the different 'Death in Paradise' reviews. It never ceases to amaze me how things occur.

Of course, there are other posts, but I'm not going to advertise them here because a) it gains me brownie points from Pisces which I can squander on ruthlessly dissecting a post and b) it peeves everyone else. So there. View them all the more, I say - there must be some reason why they're statistically shown to be 'the best'.

Fire Emblem: Kakusei (Awakening) Expectations

Ah. My good old viewers. Today, I shall share with you, for those who don't already know, the knowledge that a new installment to the 'Fire Emblem' series is soon to be released in Europe for Nintendo 3DS. This new game will be called 'Fire Emblem: Awakening' and it contains new features not yet released in any other Fire Emblem game. Some of these things are:

• New soldier classes such as 'Dark Pegasus', 'Dark Knight' and 'Griffon Knight'.
• Dual battles.
• Paid, downloadable content such as characters from previous games, maps and episodes.

Whilst these are to look forward to the problem which has been a problem for every Fire Emblem game is that it will most likely be ridiculously expensive. However, every Fire Emblem game I've played was definitely worth the money. Although, come to think of it, I've only paid for one.

If it follows the same path as the rest of the games in the series have, it will be a great success. I expect great things from this game. I'll be sure to rant if it doesn't please me.

Avengers Assemble - A Film Review

Superhero films are great. You get a guy with some sort of obscure problem and they get turned into a crime-fighting machine, and all because of a radioactive puppy or something similar. Out of all superhero films, I most enjoy the Marvel-made movies, if only because their universe does not include the Mary-Sue that is Superman.

Perhaps because of this, I have been avidly following the more recent set of films that have been released - those following the creation of the separate members of the Avengers. Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor and Captain America - all films that have been precursors to something rather larger than any superhero saga attempted before. That larger something just happens to be the film that is the subject of this review - 'Avengers Assemble'.

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One of several movie posters for Avengers Assemble.

Avengers Assemble sees the conversion of all the latest movies in the Marvel franchise. Director Nick Fury initiates the Avengers Initiative after an attack on a secure research facility, where the Tesseract, a source of infinite energy, is stolen by rogue Asgardian Loki. Now, several extraordinary people must come together to defeat Loki, brother of Thor, and his army of aliens, before they can take the Tesseract for their own and take over the Earth.

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This movie was bound to be a hit from the start: What Marvel superhero fan doesn't like the idea of the best and brightest characters forming a team, especially in the face of imminent destruction? However, there are one or two problems with this idea, one of them being the apparent mixture of genres that occurs.

Take a superhero film. Now imagine aliens in it. Lots of them. And flying whales, too. That is basically what the last half hour of this film constitutes. And thoug it works rather well and makes for some very entertaining viewing, I came out of that cinema thinking "Hulk Vs. Halo". Lots of purple aliens in gold armour against our good old superhero team. This makes the plot somewhat shaky and more likely an amalgamation of typical alien invasion and superhero film ideas. Still, the effect's pretty awesome. In today's day and age, this film appeals to a wide range of audiences.

As far as characters and their construction goes, this film's already set with a full cast. Marvel's planned this one extensively, developing characters in earlier films. These characters, as it seems, can be further developed, and are, throughout the course of the film. They are usually very satisfying in the mot unrealistic ways possible. I mean, where do you find an assassin turned government agent anywhere but in the Avengers universe?

If there's one other thing that I'd like to mention, it's that the action scenes are pretty epic and the special effects are great. The aliens look reasonably realistic - something that's difficult to do when you're painfully aware that they don't really exist.

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So, what did all this achieve for Marvel studios? Well, an 8.5 out of ten from me. This was a very enjoyable film that I'd reccommend to anyone with a taste for action, adventure and superheroes. If you've seen any of the previous Avengers-related films, then I'd only reccommend it all the more to you.

In short, see this film if you enjoy your typical superhero action film - you won't be disappointed!

Bookshelves, or the Lack of Them

Bookshelves are essential furniture. Everyone who's ever owned books (which is pretty much everyone) knows that the only way to store books in style is with the classic bookshelf. There's an amazing variety of these brilliant bits of furniture - you can buy cheap plastic ones dyed pink (yuk, in my opinion), tall heavy mahogany ones that loom like Goliath over David and imitation wood ones that squat in the corner and serve as accumulators for dust. Yet there are never enough book cases and shelves in my home for the books that I have. Why? Simple: I accumulate books faster than I do the space to store them.

This is a simple and easy to understand concept. One can more easily get hold of books. They are, after all, everywhere: Travel ports, shops of all sorts, libraries etc. Unfortunately bookshelves are more diffiult to locate, generally speaking. It's not every shop that sells teak bookcases that come with book ends and the necessary tools to put them together. Speaking mathematically, we could represent this relationship with, quite simply:

Book Shelves < Books

That is to say, there's less storage schemes than there are books. Which makes perfect sense. Who has more bookshelves than they do books? It makes no sense to have more.

Now, we can expand this by estimating the number of books that fit in the average bookcase. Let's say that  your average bookcase has between three and five shelves on it, each about three feet in length. That means that, assuming each book is one inch in thickness, then 108 books in total could fit on the shelves. This may be expressed as:

108 x Books = Book Shelf

or

108B = S

So now that we've established just how many books can fit on your run o' the mill bookshelf, we can work out how many bookcases one should buy each year.

According to my experience, I gain about 25 books a year, of which I lose about a quarter as I sell older books or give them to charity shops. At the end of a typical year, there are about 19 extra books in my home. Which, if you divide that into the number of books the average bookshelf can hold, gives us 5.7. Therefore every 5.7 years I would need to buy an extra bookcase. Assuming a bookcase costs around £150, that means that I'll be losing an average of £25 every year simply so that I can store all my books. This may lead us one of the following conclusions:

1. I need to stop buying books.
2. I really need to get a life. Heheh. I mean, who works out exactly how much money they're losing due to the number of books that they own? This is crazy.

I leave you to decide which of the two is the more relevant to the current situation. Meanwhile, I'm off to read 'Legend' by Marie Lu (except that's a pseudonym), 'cos I'm a professional book critic now.

Good day to you, good sirs and madams.

The Top Ten Most Disturbing Anime Characters

Yes, I have a habit of doing Top Ten series. In this case, I am doing the Top Ten most disturbing anime characters. If anyone is reading this, then you might disagree with the things I say and if you have a complaint then post your comment here: http://www.idon'tcare.org.uk/. So, yeah, let's start with #10: The Undertaker from Black Butler.

No one knows the real name of the Undertaker, but obviously he is an Undertaker and an Informant to the main character, Ciel Phantomhive. The Undertaker has an odd obsession with corpses, or 'customers' as he calls them. There is never a moment when you don't see him grinning.

This character also sets the story on a dark and twisted path. For example, in Madame Red's arc, you meet him just before the 'Jack the Ripper' case, talking about what happened to the victims and how their uterus was cut out (still grinning, by the way). He basically creeps me out. He also appears before 'Shard of Hope' and the 'Book of Doomsday' arcs. So nothing is more foreboding than a mad undertaker that enjoys cutting out the organs of his 'customers'.

His obsession leaves me with an awkward choice: whether I should burst out laughing or shake in fear. He spends most of his time in coffins, and when there are any living people in his shop, he'll want to put you in a coffin too. So be warned, this guys mad.

Now here comes a little spoiler. According to later chapters in the manga itself, he brought back the dead just to see what would happen. Now for some quotes to fill the space.

This one comes after he climbs from a coffin: "Welcome, Earl. Do you want to see how it feels to sleep in one of my custom-made coffins?"

In the following quote, he's referring to some 'zombies' that he's created: "This beautifully stitched skin, as white as wax, just like when they were alive. Their mouths that cannot clamour noisily or tell lies any longer. Aren't they all far more beautiful than when they were alive?"

Yeah, he's definitely insane. You wanna see what he looks like? Here you go.

He's just one make-up artist away from being the Joker...

With that in mind, this is one undertaker that you will just die for.


Signing off!

Rinrei

Dear Editor...

Please stop ruining my paragraphs.
Amen.

(Note from The Editor: I hardly think so, 'bud'. Yes, that requires inverted commas. Is this going to devolve into a correspondence using this one post as a forum? Because if so, I refuse to edit. It's not in the job description. Not that this is a job, ergo needing no description. Leave me to edit in peace. It is, after all, what I do.

Ruin your paragraphs how?)

ObeCity

   Finally and fivemostly, I'm going to point out that Evil does not have an excuse for her lack of content, as even though she is on study leave, she still seems to have plenty of time for things that aren't, well, studying.

   That out of the way, I would like to point out that I am not obese. It just happens to be a coincidence that I have had an excuse to not post for the last ever. But I can't tell you that excuse. That would be wrong. Unless of course your name is Norbert. But let's not venture down that road.

   Unless your name is Norbert. In which case, read the following. If your name is anything but Norbert, stop reading immediately or be condemned to have acorns fall out of your hair and eyes at unbelievably inconvenient moments. Or something to that magnitude.

For the last seven hundred and seventy years, people have not been very interesting. I would know, because I was told by a friend of a friend. Or maybe not. But as it turns out, all the interesting people are unbelievably lazy. Or something to that respect. Unless they have names like Norbert.

   If you read that and your name isn't Norbert, then you should really listen more often. Otherwise, if your name is Norbert, then now you know all the secrets of the universe. Apologies if anyone reading is actually called Norbert. I've been lying the whole time.

As a final note, Killer Whales!

Filling the Gap

Since people are lazy and all other authors have failed to post for the past week (yeah, I've been counting the days), I have decided to take time off from my revising routine to fill in the awkward silence.

Let me start by asking WHERE THE HECK IS EVERYONE!? Evil and I have an excuse, but everyone else seems to have spontaneously combusted or been sent to some unknown place in hell where there is no access to the computer, but the devil is forcing them to read this as I type it, making them unable to contradict me in any way. (Of course that is a lie, they ALWAYS find a way to get on here, especially The Editor. It's his job to criticise me while I work on stuff.).

Anyway... What to say, what to say. You know what? I'm just going to play a word game with myself since no one is alive right now. (I killed them.)

DOCTOR WHO-WHOZ A WHATZIT-ITS A TRAP-TRAPDOOR-DOORWAY-WAYS

CIEL-CIEL PHANTOM HIVE-HIVE MIND-MIND THE GAP-GAPING EVIL CHASM!

BOUNCE-BOUNCY HOUSE- HOUSE OF CARDS- CARD CARRYING FREAK- FREAK SHOW

WELL-WELL DONE- DONE DEAL- DEAL WITH THE DEVIL- DEVIL'S FOOD CAKE- CAKE OR DEATH?

Now for some quotes that Pisces said he would remember, but forgot he said he would remember.

"Old Mother Hubbard and her damned empty cupboard results in one dead dog."

"How are you?"
"I'm me."

"One must endure."

"How did you know I'd be here?"
"Because all sociopaths think alike."

And there was another one, but I've forgotten what it was myself because I haven't used it in so long.
Signing off!
   Rinrei

Nintendo - Why It Should Be Real

Evening people. Billiam Harkin Hanselton III at your service. Although I shan't serve you in any way whatsoever, unless you're looking to read yet another pointless post.

So, have any of you ever owned a Nintendo game? Did it take up a large amount of your time? Have you ever wished that the content of the game was real? Well, we'll soon be seeing whether or not it's a good thing.

Super Mario Bros.
So, you've just returned from a hard day's work of plumbing for an anonymous citizen and you find out that the Princess has been taken captive by a big yellow creature with a spiked green shell and flaming red hair. The next thing you know, you're being attacked by mushrooms, turtles (both airborne and infantry), hermits that cover up their whole body with a red jacket and a white mask, etc. You don't know what to do because, believe it or not, you haven't had any prior experience of this sort of thing. So you grab the nearest thing to you; a flower. Suddenly, your body absorbs the flower and you have the ability to shoot fireballs from your hands, letting you destroy all the little creatures who threaten you.

Metroid
Now, you're done with that ordeal, on to the next one. After saving the Princess, you yourself have been taken away to a space station where you get a space suit thrown on you by an old man and you get kicked to an unknown planet to, quite simply, kill a giant brain that's held in a glass and, along the way, various creatures who inhabit the planet aimlessly. You don't wish to do this but you are told to and you're a good person.

Pokémon
Congratulations! You've destroyed the giant brain! Now you've been told to visit an old man. You go to see this old man and he gives you a small yellow mouse-like creature that has been crammed inside a capsule and tells you to go on a journey to collect more of these creatures. The old man gives you more of these capsules and sends you away. You get attacked by all these creatures, almost at once and you abandon your mouse in a ball and flee.

The Legend of Zelda
After running for a good amount of time, you realise you're back where you started and the Princess has been kidnapped again, but this time by someone else. A few years have passed since the first incident but you remember the basics. You look for a flower but they have all turned into fierce Venus Flytrap-like monsters that seem to have developed a taste for human flesh. Scared, you turn and run into an old cave where you find another old man. This man gives you a sword and tells you to save the Princess once more, and to add insult to injury, he forces you to wear a tight green uniform and white tights.

Fire Emblem
You have done it once more. The Princess now decides to follow you on your journey. You tell her that the journey ended when she was saved, but then an old man approaches you and tells you that an evil King has commenced war on the rest of the continent. So you, the Princess and your trusty sword are sent on a quest to defeat a whole army by yourself and whoever else you can find.

F-Zero
You die. But there's good news and there's bad news. The good news is, you had an extra life. The bad news is, you woke up 5 billion years in the future. An old man approaches and tells you to pursue your racing career. You do so, and invest in getting a machine so you can race in the F-Zero Grand Prix. You finally manage to make enough money to buy a machine and enter into the tournament.

Star Fox
You win the Grand Prix! But an old man approaches and tells you to use all your money and convert your machine into a spaceship; you happily do so and you decide to take it for a spin. You're in the beautiful emptiness of space, all calm and relaxed. Just then a giant floating monkey head appears and tries to eat you. You fire a bomb into his mouth and blow him to smithereens, but his brain is still there and it starts slamming itself into you. Your spaceship plummets back to your home planet.

Super Smash Bros.
You parachute from your doomed spaceship and land on the ground. You're in a place that you're unfamiliar with and you decide to investigate. You now find out that all the things you have gone through have become an abominable mixture of fighting and white tights. An old man approaches you and then you finally realise that it's the same old man you met the time before, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that.

So, does life with Nintendo sound good to you? It sure does for me!

Have a nice day,
   Bill

May 2012 Update

There isn't actually all that much to report for April, except for an infestation of lethargy and general unwillingness to write very much. There's also the fact that I won Script Frenzy, but that hardly matters at this point. You should know already anyway.

So, April... That time of the year when not all that much that's very interesting decides to occur. I'm hoping this will pick up over the next 30 days, but I somewhat doubt it. Rinrei and EMoC have taken an extended leave of absence for matters higher than pretty much anything else, while Matt's been being lazy and growing fat on lethargy. He complains of being bored, and then doesn't do anything but sit there. I tell you, when people say that there's nothing to do, they're wrong: There's lots to do; they just don't want to do it.

On the other hand, Bill's been fairly successful this month, and The Editor has been unusually alive, considering that Rinrei sent her army of sheep after his some time ago. As for myself, Pisces, I have done little, but what I have done has been successful. That is all. Anyway, I had Script Frenzy, so leave me alone.

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So what's up for May? Well, all I can say at present is that it's a big month (literally - it has a 31st) and that we plan to do grossly obese things in it. Or rather, matt does. I just intend to be more active.

And I swear, here and now, if EMoC does't do something this month I will forcibly remove her teeth from her mouth like a small child does barnacles.

That is all.
   With regards for the month,
   Pisces