My Absence and Why I Was Gone

I apologise for my lack of posting, not just to the boss, but also to my fellow authors and bloggers. I'm afraid to say I have no excuse as to why I have been missing as of late. At least, that's what I always say to avoid the situation uprising.

Seeing as I have no fascinatingly magnificent story to bore you with to excuse my absence, I've decided to come up with some bizarre excuses that you could use in situations like this:

The "Creation" Excuse - The world came to an abrupt end and you, being the God you are, created a new planet which is much like the previous one. The only difference is, it's in the Medieval era but you have gifted everyone with a BT router (and computers, duh), so they may browse the Internet to their heart's content. Unfortunately, you have abused your power and the other Gods have judged you and they take away most things you own.

The "Maritime War" Excuse - You have discovered a new kind of fish and you store it away in your house. Now Justin Timberlake, having quit his life of fame to become a pirate on the Seven Seas, spreads word to all the other fish in the water-based parts of the world that you are holding the new species hostage. The fish immediately declare war on you, lead by Commander Timberlake, Zelgius of the army, and being the redneck man from Austria you are, you fight back. The war lasts seven long years and in this time, you cannot do anything else but fight until you drop dead. You have the upper hand in this battle because your home is very much on land, in fact, little work is required from you at all. Soon after the fish realise the flaws in their plans, they become cunning and build machines, U.F.O.s and a Bioweapon named 'The Eternal Editor'. You lose the war and are sent to live in an Oubliette where, as you know, Internet access is not an option.

The "You Have Displeased The Editor" Excuse - You have displeased the Editor.

The "Darwin" Excuse - You aren't far along enough along in the Evolutionary Timeline, meaning you are still at the reptilian stage and you never did anything wrong to begin with. This excuse is more powerful than you may think because, if you are reptilian and can't do anything wrong, then the accusation, no matter what you've been accused of, is most likely false. That's why reptiles win. Amphibians semi-win but not as much as reptiles. Fish win but start warfare, so may never recover from experiences like that.

My friends and foes, from what you've read there, you now remember exactly why you've missed me.

I bid you adieu.
   Billiam Harkin Hanselton III