When You're Up Late, Strange Things Occur

Late last night, I retired to my room to find myself affected by an acute attack of insomnia. This supposed attack of insomnia was not so much medical nor mental as by design. Basically, I've decided to try working a new sleeping scheme which involves my sleeping two out of every six hours. It's not working.

The following is an email that I sent to a certain Ree this morning at around one o'clock AM. Needless to say, it's an unusual and perhaps disturbing piece of work. Yes, disturbing's the word... There is a question in there somewhere that only those with a flippant mind may answer, and an answer to a question that only those like-minded to myself may interpret correctly. I believe I said something about a swan?

Prepare to read my sleep-deprived revelations. If you can understand them, please, do tell me. Then book yourself in at your local mental asylum.

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Well, Ree, I am up in the wee hours of Tuesday and suffering temporary forced insomnia as part of an experiment into how one copes with social pressures while under the influence of sleep deprivation. Basically, I'm holding an all-nighter and seeing what happens tomorrow.

I thought that intellectual emails would be an interesting addition, therefore I am writing this terribly haphazard email full of useless bits of stuff and so on.

So, firstly I wish to point out that I am not now and never will be Simon Cowell. That would just be terrible and you know it, so no matter what the Morskulentiatiser may say, I am not a body double of simian fowl. As long as that's clear.

Here, have a lolcat. No wait, don't. Provide your own laughable felines. I'm too random to find an image to support this claim.

Do you realise quite how unusual the Hawaiian islands are? They live right in everyone's way. It's inconsiderate, I tell you. I think they should be nuked for military purposes and become the home of dolphins genetically engineered to have legs.

You realise that as I type this message, dolphins are preparing their giant mechs of doom to rain Armageddon down on us? They have the opposite of aquariums: globes of air in which humans live. I'm told that they do a thing where baby dolphins can feed them bread crusts and sushi slices or something similar. Apparently it's therapeutic to go walking with them. Squeak-krih-crack-crack. Well, perhaps that's paraphrasing, but the basic meaning remains.

Isn't Reykjavik an incredible word? If there was a dictionary where words were ordered according to coolness of spelling, it would appear at the front. Or back, depending on whether you start with the most or the least cool.

Iceland is a rather sorry country. I'm not entirely sure what it's plot is. The characters are rather sodden. Perhaps I'm just particular about the pattern of bricks used in house making, but I thought that the structure of the houses there was absolutely terrifying. Not to mention transmogrifying.

In a word of insane people, a sane man must appear insane. In the same fashion: in a sane world, an insane man must be given a high position in government or be made CEO of a major corporation.

Riddle me this, riddle me that: What letter does not come in between the letters j? To follow that chain of thought, we may go in for the following: what is the difference between a duck? If you meet Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball. Millennium hand and sausage.

The British Fish & Chip Association is obsolete in schools these days; did you know? It is a dratted shame, it is. School dinners used to be so much more interesting when they had those lucky days where one dinner was loaded with cyanide. Ah, Jimbo... You're unusually dead now, but that's okay. I gave you that dinner because I didn't like you.

When does a swan not constitute a square root sign? When the basic line drawing is upright. Think that through; it works. I checked.

Okay, a question for you that actually does have an answer: why does fish equal the meaning of life? That has an answer, and it's perfectly rational if only you would work it out.

Scuppernong. Bush bosh, gribble stitle. Enjoy tgvedx. Nice, isn't it? Editor stinks. Schnick.